End of an affair

[Endofanaffair]

Mumsnet please go gentle. I've wanted to post this for a long time but know the MN view and haven't been strong enough to take the kicking. There are huge mental health issues going on here and I really need helpful advice rather than you are an awful person /kick me when down.

Background. Deliberately vague so as not to be identified.

How do you get over someone you have loved and cared about for nearly 15 years?

Not an affair for that entire time but a real true friendship and knowing each other better than the mask we both have worn in real life at times.

I have been completely in love with him and totally betrayed all of those around me including my own values. My mental health has been awful and I've considered various paths to end this all. Suicidal thoughts. Leaving husband. Abandoning family. Right now the plan is medication and counselling. Guilt comes in waves. It's mostly self doubting and loathing at moment.

Recently he's acknowledged his own mental health issues. It's far worse than I ever realised. I've supported him - classic rescued at one point. All of thoughts of him and I together went. Completely vanished. I just wanted him alive and happy.

We'll never be together and whilst we have said we will always care and be friends for now we can't be in touch. He doesnt love me. It hurts. I feel rejected plus I really miss him.

Think screaming was reacting to my post. I don’t want people to comment in a way that might be upsetting for the OP - in reference to what I wrote. If I can help OP, please pm me.

Thanks Linkedout321

Hope the counselling comes through soon, OP. Grief is tough enough but the kind of grief you are experiencing is more complex because you can’t acknowledge it openly: it’s sometimes called ‘disenfranchised grief’. A good counsellor will listen with no judgement so that you have some emotional space to process what’s happened and what you want for the future. Good luck!

I feel nothing but sadness for you. Life (unlike MN) is never black or white.
That's coming from someone who has been happily married for 37 yrs.. but have seen dear friends in such awful conundrums.. strength to you

@Linkedout321 yes, I’m sure it was aimed at you, but it was still uncalled for, but I’m used to that from that poster, best just ignored. Projection & Stones & glass houses. 🙄

@Endofanaffair. I can imagine it’s going to take you quite some time to process all of this because of his lies. I’m glad you can at least see there’s definitely no future with him, so at least you can work on what your future is going to look like without wondering if you can be with him...

Life is, sometimes, really very shit. The good news is, there are also some very good times and a comforting feeling when you can be honest with yourself and do what’s right for you and make yourself a nice cosy safe space 😊

I've been taking on board all your comments and looking to some of the suggestions tonight.

I'm angry with him. I did it for love. Him; what ego? A good shag?

Can't confront him though. It's over.

I don’t think you can look at it that way.

Do you think that your husband suspects an affair op? Could that explain his apparent behaviour? A 15 year affair must surely have aroused some suspicion at some point?

As a side note you say on had 3 or 4 affairs - you should have an std check up, and assuming you've had sex with your husband, he needs one too.

I really feel for you... I really do.. it kills to love someone who doesn’t feel the same way. Makes you question everything. You feel worthless. I know it’s easy to say, but please try and find what makes you happy. Don’t waste anymore time/energy on someone who doesn’t feel the same way. I think some of us carry on trying thinking of how much time/affection/effort has already been invested in this relationship... but in all honesty, you need to shift your focus to how much time/energy/affection/effort you’ve WASTED on this relationship/friendship.

I know it HURTS. But don’t let this hurt dictate your life anymore. It’s time to let go.. be free x

Sounds like you’ve wasted 15 years of your life.
And 15 years of your husband’s life.
A starting point in your recovery would be to stop feeling sorry for yourself and acknowledge that you and your affair partner have behaved horrendously to your respective partners.

Std check up already done.

I'm aware of how we've treated our respective partners. Neither of which have been innocent either so that fuelled it. Still wrong though.

Skirtsandshoes yes that is how I'm trying to move forward without trying to let anger rise.

@Endofanaffair I am ending my affair too. The reasons for ending mine is because I know it is impossible and don't want to hurt anyone else. OM has said how much he loves me and wants to be with me, the difficulty is that he has children which we don't want to hurt, so even though he does't love his wife he will stay with them for the kids. I completely understand him but it doesn't change how shit it feels. I have decided to sort out my life and look into my own marriage as I think it is going nowhere, will look for some counselling as well. Good luck during your process and as me we need to be strong and really stop the contact with OM