Too late to change name?

[PiafPilaf]

We’ve been happily married for 13 years and have 1 DC. I willingly changed to his surname, but have never liked it - I don’t like how it sounds, I don’t like how kids in the playground abbreviate it so it pretty much becomes a swear word, I don’t like that it’s difficult to say and is constantly misspelled. Most of all after all this time it still doesn’t feel like my name. My maiden name was no better except it felt like my own. If we’d double barrelled them it’d have sounded ridiculous, but suddenly I’ve realised that if you combine them to make a new one it’s actually really nice and has none of the above problems (not sure why it’s taken me this long to realise this but never mind).

My DH is a very reasonable person and aside from thinking it was a bit weird he’d probably go along with it if I really wanted to change it. Ideally we’d all have the same one but I’m not going to make him, that’s his decision. I have a difficult relationship with my in laws - another one of the reasons I don’t like the name - and they are extremely traditional. They tend to disapprove of most things we do that aren’t exactly what they’d do, and after spending the past decade and a half trying to get on with them and get over all the times they’ve reduced me to tears but now just try to avoid them as much as possible. They already think I’m a bit of a weirdo (basically because I don’t dress in twinsets and want to - shock horror - have a career of my own) and the proverbial would really hit the fan if I did this.

So - would it be utterly ridiculous to change my name now, and potentially that of my DC too (provides DH agrees)? It’s particularly pertinent as we’re expecting DC2 soon and it would be a good opportunity. I have never felt part of their family, never felt comfortable with the name, and there’s (hopefully) enough years of my life and marriage left to make it worthwhile.

Personally I'd say do it!
With all the issues you mentioned there's more reasons to change it than not.

You are still keeping a part of dh's name which is most important if you chose to take his name which you did.

Some things that get to us we can't change. I don't see why we shouldn't change things that will make us happier and this is a name that lasts forever!

I'm another one who thinks just do it!😉

I changed my name and the dcs names 7 years after my wedding day. Dh too.

We became double-barrelled.

Told the school and everyone that was the case and then sorted deed polls and passports.

My parents married in 1952, had three children and then changed the family surname of all of them in the mid sixties. I was the only one born under our surname in later years. They had different reasons but the outcome was the same and they never regretted it, so I'd say do it, and before you have another child. My siblings have had to produce their deed poll on occasion, whereas my name is on my birth certificate.

Do it... really easy process to do

I have dh's first name as my surname as I never wanted to be connected to his dps at all!!

I had a friend who along with her whole family changed their name in the school holidays one year, go for it!

Hmm sounds positive! DH is thinking it’s a bit more crazy and unnecessary than I’d anticipated. He still won’t stop me if it’s what I want to do but I worry his family will think it’s some blatant anti-them statement, which makes things a bit more complicated...

Only if your DC share your surname. Otherwise it will look more like a step away from you DH.

@ThisIsSharonVanEtten sorry, probably being dim, but do you mean DC should or shouldn’t share my surname? Ideally we’d all change it but not sure what I’d do if DH refused.

Bollocks to his family, just do it!

If you and DH do it together then it sounds great. You and the kids only, or you only seems strange. I know you're not keen on the in-laws but you didn't take their name, you took your husband's so that you, he and any children you had would share one name together. It's not who's name that's important (could just have well been yours or an entirely new one like you're proposing now) but that you're in it together as one little unit. At least that's how I would feel about it!

Absolutely you should do it. Change yours and consider changing the children. My children are now adults but I'm considering changing my name for many of the same reasons: even after decades of marriage it still doesn't feel like my name, my husband doesn't really mind one way or the other, and I don't get on well with the in-laws. I wish I'd done it years ago. Having the same name as the kids was much less an issue than I thought in hindsight.

Sorry for the late reply but I mean regardless of which way you go, I personally would want the same surname as my children. It is personal though.

Is there actually any reason why you should tell inlaws and if you didn't, that they would ever find out?

@TwigTheWonderKid they live very near and without being too specific we are both involved in the performing arts so they’d see it on a programme! Plus they need to know grandkids’ names. The proverbial would really hit the fan if we didn’t tell them!

I do think your in-laws will take it very badly and see it as a fuck-you. is it really worth it?

It's a shame that your in-laws' opinion is such a strong factor in this decision; it really shouldn't be.

FWIW, I think that ideally you should all have this new surname, you, DH and the children. If he is not willing to change himself and give permission for changing the DC's surnames, it's rather pointless you changing yours isn't it?

Of course he doesn't want anyone to change because the status quo suits him nicely. The status quo tends to suit men nicely!

Whatever you decide about the names, i think the bigger issue is the in-laws and their influence on your relationship and lives. I strongly recommend the books Toxic In-laws for you and Toxic Parents for your DH, both by Susan Forward. Don't be put off by the word "toxic" if you feel they're not that bad, most people don't seem like evil people and have their good points of course, but the books are very helpful for getting your head around dysfunctional and unhelpful dynamics.

@AnotherEmma Thanks, I’ll have a look for the book. Yes you’re right - the point is that we all have our own family name and if he doesn’t want to do it then I won’t because I want the same name as him and DCs (which is why I changed in the first place, as I wouldn’t have wished my maiden name on anyone else )

Go for it sounds a good solution.!