Sexless marriage- is this ever ok?

[boredwithfootball]

Does anyone live happily in a long term sexless marriage?

We are struggling and have since our second was born.

This was a helpful watch but we haven't really been able to deal with them properly yet.

I've had a number of health issues and we are both stressed. Going back to work with two kids has been very tough all round.

https://www.ted.com/talks/emilynagoskiihowcouplesscansustainnastronggsexualconnectionnforaalifetime?utmcampaign=tedspread&utmmmedium=referral&utmsource=tedcomshare

Not sure if link works

https://www.ted.com/talks/emilynagoskiihowcouplesscansustainnastronggsexualconnectionnforaalifetime

It wouldn't be OK for me.
But it works for some.
But if you want some romance and intimacy back then you may need to look for outside professional help.
Couples counselling.
Sex therapy.
No sex would be a deal-breaker for me.
I'm happy single so the sex bit would be very important for me.

Counselling etc only works if both partners want to address the situation. My dh is very happy to carry on with his head in the sand for ever. There's nothing I can do to change his mind and I don't want to - I want him to want to change.

I think the danger is that even if you are both happy with the 'no sex' situation, there's always the danger of someone else appearing on the scene - I think it makes the marriage more vulnerable to ending either due to an affair, or due to the possibility of an affair making one partner realise the marriage has run its course. Especially if there is no other physical affection.

I think TheWindowDonkey has said it perfectly...no sex is fine as long as their is a deep connection between the two of you and you are happy with that.
I’m one of these people who is in a sexless marriage (my doing as I just don’t want it with him) and there is no connection - hence, I am deeply unhappy.

Hi op

I was in a low sex marriage as far as I was concerned before DH underwent testosterone treatment. We used to have sex once a week at best. It made me very sad and lonely and the less sex we had, the more I withdrew (the rejection stung - we didn’t know at the time it was medical). The less sex we had, the less I could bring myself to hug and kiss him. I wanted to make him feel equally rejected.

Sex is so important in a relationship- unless there is an agreement for no / little sex and both parties are happy with that.

Talk to your husband.

I am also in a sexless marriage for the past 3 years after having a very good sex life, been with each other for 24 years married for 13.

Finally asked him outright at the weekend and he told me he no longer finds me attractive as i have put on weight, i have put on 3 stone admittedly, but thats over a period of 24 years for god sake!

Do i think if I lost said 3 stone that he would come running back and find me attractive again.. that is the question and i doubt it!

Have 2 kids don't really know where to go from here any advice would be welcome.

@SpaceCadet2020

You poor thing. Copy and paste your issue into a new thread and I’m sure lots more people will see this and offer support and advice.

I’ve gained 6 stone in the last 25 years (most of that in just the last three). I’ve gone from size 8 to size 18. DH has never once said he finds me unattractive. I just asked him now as we’re sat together on the sofa. He said
“You’re always attractive” and when I prompted more, he said “I don’t see your weight, I just love you”. So, your husband has been pretty mean. There’s definitely ways to go about telling you if that’s how he feels. Does he love you? How’s your marriage apart from this?

Also, what’s he like? I assume an Adonis?

Hope you find some excellent advice 💐

It mainly doesn't work. I was in a sexless marriage for years. My instigation as I just wasn't interested. Ex said he wanted it but did nothing to address any issues. Just buried his head in the sand and slept in the spare room for 10 years which was hardly going to help matters.

We split up and I'm with someone else. Before I would have said sex isn't that important. Now I very much disagree. It's about the intimacy and connection. I'd never let a relationship go without it again.

@spacecadet2020

Sounds as though your DHs sex drive disappeared quite quickly. So there is probably a reason - if it were just the usual ageing process it would be more gradual. Blaming your weight is a way of blocking on the true reason - if a guy needs to sh*g the changes that come with advancing years will not put him off if he needs it strongly enough.

So I think you should consider other possibilities which include porn use, alcohol/drug issues, depressîon, stress, medical problems or perhaps an affair? His attitude seems selfish and designed to put you down whilst also refusing to engage with the issue.

I’m in a sexless marriage and it’s horrible.

Without sex we move further and further apart, resentment grows and I can’t see a way out.

From comments on here I think a lot of women don’t understand how important sex is for closeness and affection.

My wife has told me she will fight me seeing our children if we divorce and I love them too much to risk it; plus she is frankly not interested in them and has never connected (postpartum depression possibly).

Unless it's mutually decided fair enough, can't ever imagine making this decision myself but each to their own.
But if only one of the people doesn't want it I think it's doomed

I guess it depends on why there's no sex - if there's some kind of medical reason, then that might be acceptable (but then there's usually plenty of other ways to be affectionate/intimate). If it's because of general lack of sex drive, and both sides have low libido, then could be workable (but it must be really rare for neither of you to have any desire for sex). If there's no desire for sex (where there once was) becuase you're no longer attracted to each other, then that's a problem.

Everyone's different, but I could never imagine not wanting sex with a partner I was in a healthy relationship with. I've been trapped in a bad relationship in the past, and the lack of sex was a bit chicken/egg scenario - did it make the relationship bad, or was it a result of the bad relationship??

I think all good relationships rely on either having a closely matched libido, or failing that a good understanding/tolerance of each others differing sex drives.

I’m in a sexless marriage, the reason there is no sex is because I don’t find my H attractive there is no kissing hugging anything, he try’s I reject him it’s a fun life!! I have told him the reasons why

@HisOpinion

I’m in a sexless marriage and it’s horrible.

Without sex we move further and further apart, resentment grows and I can’t see a way out.

From comments on here I think a lot of women don’t understand how important sex is for closeness and affection.

My wife has told me she will fight me seeing our children if we divorce and I love them too much to risk it; plus she is frankly not interested in them and has never connected (postpartum depression possibly).

It doesn't matter whether she will fight it or not. You have a right to be with them from a starting point of 50-50.

I think intimacy beyond just sex is perhaps the important thing. We have three kids and are in lockdown. There are larger gaps between opportunities. Sometimes my partner is just knackered when we do get an opportunity (and we're both pulling our weight... promise.) At one point after what was technically a 'dry spell' we talked about it.

I pointed out that even though we hadn't actually had 'sex' she'd been flirtatious, affectionate, and let me know on the odd occasion when she would really wish the kids weren't there right at that moment. I can live without for a fair while if I know it's only circumstance, exhaustion and bad luck preventing it. If we can feel the flame is still flickering away ready to burn when it can.

Take the rest away, the little kisses, the hugs that are more than just an automatic response, the little strokes while we watch TV while knackered that scream out "by the way, if I wasn't completely knackered...." and I know we'd start drifting apart.

@boredwithfootball

I think babies got in the way then never got back into it then the longer it goes on the more difficult it is to fix or even talk about. I'm not unhappy in my life but because of this I don't think I would describe my marriage as happy. And it's not just sex it's no touching or kissing or anything.

I was you and I had just accepted that I would never have sex again . We split up however due to his cheating and since then I have discovered an amazing new sex life . I realise that sex is a special thing that pulls you back together and keeps you bonded in a special way . It's not just sex though . I realised that my children had grown up never seeing my ex H cuddle me or kiss me to any great extent. You think you are Ok with it until you then realise what you were missing all those years .

We do it about once every 3 months. I always initiate, and we never kiss or get intimate at any other time. I try, but he almost gets embarrassed. It affects me greatly, my confidence and self esteem -we've spoken about it often but he gets defensive and says 'I just have a low sex drive'. I haven't orgasmed with him in about 4 years, he wants it over and done with. Before we were married, he lied to me. I didn't live with him and we had sex maybe once a week, but it was very intimate and loving. Now if I mention it he gets the hump so I languish in unfulfilled silence.

For now.