If I can’t “act’ differently is my relationship over?

[MissKittyBeaudelais]

I’ve known I was different all my life but was diagnosed with Aspergers 4 yrs ago. I am 57. I think I learned early to mask well and there are few people who “believe” I have autism. I had a career in a very person centred arena and was in a senior role when I left. My DH knows about my condition and has always playfully teased me about my preference for animals over people 😉

However, as I’ve aged, I’ve become less able or just too worn out with the masking. DH and I were recently discussing a social get together which was a weekend away and I said I found it “pretty excruciating”. I was at my Aspie best. Couldn’t think of much to say until the conversation moved on; missed cues over and over and eventually, separated myself politely and let it all carry on around me. DH was cross. Sarcastic.

I’m worried that it’s going to be difficult staying together going forward. I love him to do things and tell me all about it when he gets home but less and less do I want to struggle through social situations. It. Is. Exhausting.

Cross and sarcastic? That's really not very nice of him. As a neurotypical I find I'm having less patience with social events unless it's with close friends. The fact that you went and tried says a lot about you.

Is he otherwise supportive?

Well, to be fair, when we met he though (and so did I) that I was just a bit reserved/liked “people” in small dresses. We’ve been together 15 years and I’m just less and less inclined to put myself through it. Also, I’m a good actress. Now, that doesn’t mean my feelings about people or an event isn’t real. They absolutely are but what I can’t do is “do” full on social for hours/days on end. It floors me. It’s NOT my natural thing.

I feel so sorry for him and I don’t want to be without him but I think he resents me.

Work out how much you think you can deal with.

Once a week, once a fortnight, one a month.

Then what kind of things are you better able to deal with and what’s the worst.

Then talk and see if you can compromise

My wife is ASD, we have a signal for social events, if she wants to go she gives the signal and we leave no questions asked. She says just having the out allows her to cope much better.

She's similarly exhausted for at least a day after social events though. Masking really takes it out of her.

Bujinkhal's signal is a great idea, you'd feel so much more relaxed knowing you could just leave whenever you were peopled-out.

Have you heard of the Spoons Theory, it's often a good way to explain to people how you feel after having to do something like socialising.

My adult DD has ASD and if I've not noticed, she tells me as soon as she's feeling she can't manage any longer and we leave.

“Liked people in small dresses” 😂😂😂. Doses! Small DOSES!

Hats a good idea. I’ll work on the signal. Spoons theory sounds good too. Thank you.