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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he using me?

14 replies

Losingthewill12 · 12/01/2020 20:58

Hi, I keep putting this question off but here goes.

I’ve been with my husband now for 3 years and we haven’t had the best of times together so far. We have 3 children (2 together and I have 1 from previous relationship).

I guess I just want another opinion on our ‘marriage’ as all I’m thinking is I’m being used and I’m only needed when it’s convenient to him.

The only time he really speaks to me is when he needs or wants something and I’m constantly feeling unloved unwanted and down. I’m so sick of feeling like this. My DH doesn’t show any kind of love or affection unless he wants me to do something for him.

We have sex like once a month maybe longer and he says he just doesn’t want it, even if I initiate it he rejects me. I feel like I need to have sex to feel wanted and loved. Is that wrong of me? I do feel like he isn’t physically attracted to me anymore. He’s told me in previous relationships he had sex every night so I’m guessing it has to be me and he’s not attracted to me anymore.

He literally doesn’t touch me, we don’t kiss, no hand holding, nothing. I feel like it’s a sham of a marriage like it’s all lies.

He can’t even have a conversation with me because he's either on SM ignoring my existence or falling asleep. I could be talking to him and he will go to sleep. He can’t even get through a film without going to sleep. Is it just me?

I’ve told him how I feel on a number of occasions, he says he doesn’t know why he is with me or I force him to stay with me or that there must still be something there for him to stay. Some times he’ll say he knows he’s an idiot with me but he never makes any effort.

It’s driving me insane. What should I do?

OP posts:
ToastandCheese · 12/01/2020 21:12

Well it sounds like he’s checked out. You’ve only been together 3 years and you’ve got married and two kids? That’s a lot to deal with in a really short amount of time, for both of you.

OldWomanSaysThis · 12/01/2020 21:20

What would he be using you for exactly?

Losingthewill12 · 12/01/2020 21:20

Got engaged 4 months in then married 9 months being together. His idea he didn’t want to wait. Same with kids, they’re 19months and 8 months.

Yes think your right, does seem that way

OP posts:
Losingthewill12 · 12/01/2020 21:22

He has no job so no money, I’m a SAHM, I was doing my degree until baby no 2 came along. So financial support and the kids

OP posts:
ToastandCheese · 12/01/2020 21:43

Why does he not work?

Bamboo15 · 12/01/2020 21:49

I think you need to bring this to a head - either suggest that you start talking and working on your relationship, with counselling if you can or agree you will separate. Do you have family support locally?

ohwheniknow · 12/01/2020 21:58

Maybe do the Freedom Programme. There are massive issues here.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Is he using me?
Thankssomuch · 12/01/2020 22:04

I don’t understand, - why does he have no job, where is the income, unless he wanted desperately to have children and he’s using you for that I can’t see what he’s getting out of it anyway?

ohwheniknow · 12/01/2020 22:07

Power. Control.

Fivetillmidnight · 12/01/2020 23:56

Why on Earth did you agree to have two children when neither of you have a job and you already have a child ? Is this unemployment recent ?

QueSera · 13/01/2020 00:09

How is he using you for financial support, if you're a SAHM?
He sounds awful OP, I don't think I could stay with someone like that.

TheYearOfTheDog · 13/01/2020 00:23

@fivetillmidnight, very unhelpful comment.

OP if it doesn't feel good, that's reason enough to end it. You are entitled to end a relationship because you want to.

willowmelangell · 15/01/2020 18:49

From what you have written it does sound desperately sad.
He seems very passive. I am wondering why he doesn't work outside the house. Does he engage with the dc? I am half expecting you to update that he smokes weed....
How would you manage if he was not in the house? Would you sigh in relief or struggle to juggle all the balls?

bigchris · 15/01/2020 18:53

Yes you're right it's over

Why would you want to be married to someone who doesn't work with no ambition and who now doesn't want to even touch you

You'll find someone much more deserving of you Flowers

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