is he abusive?

[lemsipz]

I have been dating a man for 12 months. I was head-over-heels when I met him - he was kind, interesting and attractive, but very shy. Almost a loner.

When we first started dating he would say things like "I can't believe you're dating me, you're leagues above me" and "i can't believe someone like you exists". This, paired with our interests and values being extremely similar, and him being respectful and not pressuring sex in the early days made me extremely happy. After a bunch of aggressive, cheating and manipulative exes, i thought i had met mr right.

3 months in, he seemed to change overnight. He would prioritize me less. For example, he said he would pick me up from the train station at a particular time, but he would be 40 minutes late, not send a text, and then shout at me saying he was "trying to keep everyone happy".

Small, insignificant issues blew up. I would mention something to discuss that was bothering me, and he would respond monosyllabic and then ignore me for days. I would be pleading over text for him to please talk to me. Eventually, he would text saying "you can ring me tomorrow at 8 to discuss it".

He started to criticise me. Saying that I wasn't a healthy person because I wanted to communicate and "help" him. He said that I was "too nice" that he was "broken".

He said that I was "making me feel shamed" and that I was expecting him to change his behaviour for me. He said that he felt he could no longer be honest with me, because I twisted his words. He felt that I was wrecking the relationship because I kept complaining. He said that he would have to end things because he "had to protect himself from me"

He would switch from this to then having totally normal conversations - for example, he would ask to meet me and pretend that we hadn't been on the brink of breaking up.

And then, he would switch again - he would say he was depressed, that he couldn't think straight. He would sleep during the day, call in sick to work. He started smoking cannabis. He even started drinking (he used to be religious and this is prohibited).

I got to the point where I didn't know whether I was coming or going - I started to doubt that he was the problem. I started thinking I was asking too much, that I was nagging him too much, and that I was a nasty person. All the time, I was walking on eggshells, not knowing what comment would be taken out of context.

And it wasn't just issues that would cause resentment from him. He would mention things i had said days ago, that offended him. We were talking about toxic masculinity one day and he asked me if I thought he had it? His views especially on porn, inclined me to say no - days later, this was used against me for making him "sound weird".

I feel like I can't do anything right. I feel like I am creating all these problems, and I don't know why.

I don't think this is a good relationship for you to be in, do you? A healthy relationship shouldn't make you feel like you're going mad.

Why don't you do the Freedom Programme course so you can weigh things up yourself and make a decision on what you do next? Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Why you didn't dump him months ago is a complete mystery. He is an abusive, gaslighting, controlling fuckwit. Get rid and move on.

Run. Block on all forms of communication and social media. Run and don't look back. Look into doing the Freedom Programme because you're in a pattern of abusive men. Think about doing some counselling to address this.

After a bunch of aggressive, cheating and manipulative exes, i thought i had met mr right.

I would caution you against evaluating men in this way. If you do the Freedom Programme course you can develop the skills to make independent assessments.

Different abusers use different tactics, and an abuser at his most extreme at the end of a relationship is always going to look worse than one in the early days of luring you in. It is not a safe method and leaves you vulnerable.

@ohwheniknow

Thank you for that link to the freedom programme, i am going to look into that, it looks good

Leave now and don't have any contact ever again! This is how my last relationship started, I endured 6 years of emotional abuse and had a breakdown.

I hope you are okay now @pigdogridesagain 😔

I lost so much sleep last night about this. I don't understand. He seems fragile, depressed and broken. But then he can be so cruel to me. When he is really annoyed he won't look at me, saying looking at me makes him uneasy. He never responds to me crying, never even flinches.

We have been apart now for a few weeks (my decision). But he is staying in contact talking about irrelevant things, making general conversation as if nothing has happened

What are you getting out of this relationship? He sounds awful OP, and you're only 12 months in. Stop the contact, and stay away from him.

He criticises you
He twists your words
He is up and down, blows hot and cold

This is designed to make you feel uncertain and insecure. It's to mess with your head. If he had acted like that at the beginning you wouldnt have stayed so he pretended to be nice for a few months until you liked him and then the games started.

I think he is abusive but the bottom line is he doesnt make you happy and this isn't going to change. You need to leave

Did you post about this a couple of months ago? There were wider issues, other women, sex, he had finished with you, but there was confusion and eventually you blocked him?

You posted a few times, and sometimes the facts changed?
Did you start as friends and move on to fwb and then relationship? Was there another woman involved?

Have there been some things which you have in fact done to him or the other woman which were wrong and there was some nastiness involved so it wasn't all gaslighting?

I am very sorry if I got the wrong person, it is just that it sounds very similar.

He sounds like a narcissist to me. It's really common for them to say things like "I can't believe someone like you is interested in me" and whine on about how they are not good enough during the lovebombing phase. He is not so subtley telling you he's a twat and you really ARE too good for him. He didn't "change" after 3 months, he just dropped the act and you entered into the devalue stage of an abusive relationship.

As PP's have said, he's gaslighting and manipulating you. He clearly lacks empathy as doesn't react when you cry. You say you've been with a few abusive men and I would suggest reading up on NPD so you can spot the signs. Once you have been with one narc, its common to find yourself with another (been there).

I have found YouTube videos really helpful, particularly Little Shamen and Lisa Romano . Stay away from dating until you have recovered from whatever it is that is stopping you from recognising abuse much earlier and you have stronger boundaries. These types can sense who they can manipulate and you will be continually targeted by them until you heal.

@ezpad

No not me. We were only every partners and no other women

Martha Stout, in her book 'the sociopath next door' says that when you find yourself feeling sorry for someone who treats you badly, chances are you are dealing with a sociopath. It's what she calls 'the pity play' and is a prime means of controlling people, especially people who are 'rescuers'.

Run.

Yup, abusive. And agreed, he sounds like a covert narcissist.

Run for the hills. And block all contact or he will try every tactic under the sun to try and convince you you are making a mistake.

I am sorry for mistaking you for someone else.

In relation to your question "Is he abusive?" it sounds as though he had MH problems for at least part of the relationship and that although it started well, within a few months it stopped going well and I think that you need to think about why you continued with it. The Freedom Programme is really good, but I think that in addition you need to work out why you stuck with something which was not working for so long.

I would mention something to discuss that was bothering me, and he would respond monosyllabic and then ignore me for days. I would be pleading over text for him to please talk to me. Eventually, he would text saying "you can ring me tomorrow at 8 to discuss it". I really think that needing to plead with someone to talk to you and they finally respond but give you an unrealistic narrow window in which to call, it is a strong indication that the relationship is not working and your effort is not being matched by the other person?

he would say he was depressed, that he couldn't think straight. He would sleep during the day, call in sick to work. He started smoking cannabis. He even started drinking (he used to be religious and this is prohibited)

He started to have more serious MH problems - did he see someone about it?

I started to doubt that he was the problem his MH problems are NOT your fault but at the same time you aren't going to be the person who helps him either.

I feel like I can't do anything right. I feel like I am creating all these problems, and I don't know why. The relationship isn't working. It is just one of those things and it is fine to finish and move on.

Yep! Definitely abusive OP

Get away fast, life is too short to be with someone who is such a knob.