This will be long so please bear with me. NC for this as quite outing.
I have been in a relationship with a man for 5 years. When we first got together he was everything I wanted, charming, funny, generous, would do anything for me.
Over time I noticed little things like, he would say things about my friends to try and maybe put me off them. Just little things like "so and so is a right tramp" or "that one is a slag" or "she dresses like a prostitute". I always used to defend them and say well thank god you aren't with them then eh!
Then started things like, if I picked something up in the supermarket he would frown at me and say "Isn't there a cheaper version of that" or "bloody hell havent you got money to burn" this would be over something stupid like a bag of pistachios or a tub of Ben and Jerry's. (We never pooled our money; mine was mine and his was his)
Then started the comments about my mother, things like "she was never there for you as kid" or "she's jealous of you and how happy you are"
Over time it became apparent to me that he didn't like me going out without him. Even just something as simple as going for lunch with a friend, he wouldn't specifically say that he didn't want me going but he would act moody and barely speak to me when I told him my plans. Nights out were just a complete no go area. I knew he didn't like it because as he already had opinions on my friends I just knew it wasn't worth the hassle of even asking to go.
One night in the summer my mum asked me if I fancied going for a few drinks into town just me and her as a way of rebuilding our relationship (another story) and about 30 minutes after I met her he rang me asking what pub I was in. I told him and within 15 minutes he was there. Said he was bored at home and needed to get out, was meeting his own friend in a couple of hours so thought he would join us until then. My mum didn't like this and it was at that moment she told me she felt he was quite controlling.
He started mentioning things to me about ex partners, he made it very clear that he thought I was a slag (I have never been the type to sleep around) and that he always has visions of me sleeping with other men and acting in a less than ladylike way. Whenever we had sex he would grill me for ages afterwards about which specific part I liked the best; whether it's the best I've ever had. I had to just agree with everything to keep him happy or the interrogation would have gone on for ages. Or it would have been brought up again later in the evening.
He was obsessed with the idea of me getting some sex toys, I told him I really honestly didn't like the idea of them and that I was happy with just normal sex. Anyway I came home one day to find a box on the bed with lots of different dildos in. He straight away told me to get undressed and wanted to experiment. I just felt so uncomfortable but I felt like I had to please him. The first one he tried was too big for me and it caused me a lot of pain inside and I told him I didn't like it. I knew he was unhappy but I made sure that he knew I just wasn't ready for this type of sex play. Fast forward a few weeks and I got home from work and he has candles on everywhere for me and a bottle of massage oil, said he was going to treat me to a full body rub. I was quite happy with this laid down enjoyed the massage until all of a sudden I felt this immense pain and he had rammed the big thing up me after I had specifically told him that I didn't want it or like it. I felt as though he got great pleasure out of hurting me and it turned him on even more.
More things he did were things like: he would tell me that I need to join a gym (I'm a size 6) because I was letting myself go and he wanted someone really toned. He would tell me "oh I don't like your hair like that put it up like that" or "is your mental health ok lately; do you think you need to go and see a doctor as you don't seem right to me" (there isn't anything wrong with my mental health). He would question me about men at work and ask whether he needed to be worried about anyone. (Even though I say it myself and I'm cringing to do so- I am an attractive woman; I have a distinct look and I do seem to attract attention from men and women alike and always have done).
I tried as much as possible to avoid alcohol under any circumstances. Once he was drunk he used to sit me down and just lay into me about allsorts. About how I've clearly been a little tramp in the past, that I'm lucky he took me on as no other man would respect me. That he doesn't really respect me but he is willing to tolerate my past. (There was never anything in my past that I would feel is wrong. I've dated and had relationships like other normal people out there. Never had a one night stand.) These talks could go on for hours at a time and they mentally exhausted me because I knew I had to be careful what I said as at any moment he could explode. He's never physically hit me but he's grabbed me by the neck a few times and left bruising. He's emotionally manipulated me into living my life the way he wants me to and I just started to feel so suffocated and controlled. I began losing weight which wasn't good for my already small frame and I felt like I was just tired all the time. He would tell me I had no motivation and no get up and go at all and that I needed to sort my head out.
There is so, so much more that I could go on about but I know this is already long so I'll wrap it up.
Basically 9 days ago I left him. I walked out on him my mum came and got me and I've ignored him ever since. My mum is insistent that I should contact the police about all of this as he has been abusing me.
What my question is, is how has he been controlling me? What would be the technical term for it because I can't find anything like it online and I just need to be able to read up about it all and know where to go from there. She says it's coercive but a few of the things don't match. He wasn't physically abusive or violent throughout only on the odd occasions.
I really want to stay strong and stay away but it has happened before where I've walked out and he's sweet talked me round promised he would change and then for a time it's been ok and then back to normal.
This time round I am determined to stay away. I've blocked all contact removed all photos of him from my house and phone, deleted all of his friends off my SM and I keep my door locked at all times. I've even started taking a new route to work to avoid going past his house.
There's just a very small part of me that wonders if he will be able to get back into my head again. I know the only way he won't be able to is if he is behind bars.
So please help me, tell me something that will keep this man away from me for good.