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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I send this man a message?

25 replies

TashieWoo · 12/01/2020 13:13

I don’t usually agree with making the first move but in this case I think I might. Just don’t know what to say!

I left my job at a large building contractor in November last year. There I briefly met someone, probably only about 4/5 times and just casual chatting in the canteen / by the coffee machine etc but he always made an effort to strike up conversation and was very personable and open. He worked primarily on site and I also visited one of his sites as I had to write it up as a case study, I had a chat with him and he made me a coffee etc but really I went there to meet one of his colleagues.

I found out that he had dated one of the other girls in the office, I don’t know how long for and I only found out when their breakup was mentioned in a larger group conversation. It sounded amicable. I never spoke to her about it, or to anyone about him or anything like that. I certainly wouldn’t have shown any interest in him when I was working there as I don’t think it’s a good idea to date people at work.

I never discussed relationship status with him and when I last saw him I was with my ex. I broke up with him last July and have done a bit of OLD since but haven’t met anyone special. I think this man is single as he came up on my tinder a few months ago but I swiped left because I still worked there!

Anyway.., he came up on my Instagram last week on ‘people you may know’ and I just thought I’d be brave and add him. His profile was private so I sent a follow request, which he accepted pretty immediately and asked to follow me back. No pics of women on there.

I know this all sounds very teenage, but should I message him? Nothing to lose I guess, but want to do this right. I’m not really in touch with anyone I worked with, I wasn’t there long and it wouldn’t affect my present role even though it is in the same industry. He may not know I have left, but probably does by now.

OP posts:
VerySale · 12/01/2020 13:31

Yes message him. You have nothing to lose.

MustardScreams · 12/01/2020 13:35

Do it! The worst thing that can happen is he says he’s not interested.

Newnamewhodis1 · 12/01/2020 13:36

Don't overthink it, just do it.

MikeUniformMike · 12/01/2020 14:03

Yes but do it in a friendly way rather than a flirty way. See what happens.
Good luck!

OldEvilOwl · 12/01/2020 14:07

Do it. You don't need to ask him out straight away, just get chatting

TashieWoo · 12/01/2020 20:07

Seems like the general consensus is that I should message him, I don’t know though it’s not like we were ‘friends’ at work but clearly if he didn’t like me (in any sense) he wouldn’t have added me and requested to follow me, and he did so immediately.

Rather than messaging him now should I post something then see if he ‘likes’ it? I don’t post very much at all though, and it’s mainly my horses!

Any ideas what I should say? I remember he said that he planted a tree in his garden (think he’d just bought his first house) on his birthday last year and he showed me a pic of it on his phone at the time, I could ask whether it’s grown much I guess Hmm

OP posts:
GreyTS · 13/01/2020 09:04

Men have often started conversations with me on Instagram by commenting on my story, so maybe post a story that would catch his attention and see if he bites, otherwise yes of course message him, I'm really bad at putting myself out there romantically speaking and I always regret not doing these things

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2020 09:07

Just say hi, how are you doing, that kind of thing. Don't play weird games, you won't be able to tell anything by asking him if his trees grown.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/01/2020 09:07

Don't play games - he might not bother liking your post whether he likes you or not.

Message "hey, it's been a while! How are things? Are you still working at xyz?"

Tafelberg · 13/01/2020 09:10

I logged in just to answer this thread and by the time I did so, @Bluntness100 and @GiveHerHellFromUs had said exactly what I was going to - almost in the exact same words in @GiveHerHell's case! General, friendly and chatty is the way forward for sure I think.

TashieWoo · 16/01/2020 09:05

Thank you all for the further replies, especially for @Tafelberg for logging in especially to reply!

You’re all right, I shouldn’t do anything that looks like game playing, but I can’t help thinking he’s not going to be interested as he hasn’t messaged me yet? But I have nothing to lose. Just need to pluck up the courage and get around to it!

OP posts:
Musti · 16/01/2020 15:48

Well he doesn't know that you're single, does he? Maybe mention to him that you saw him on tinder and would have swiped right if you hadn't still been working together. Then see what he says

TashieWoo · 18/01/2020 09:42

@Musti that would be quite brave wouldn’t it! I don’t know... maybe save that for if he returns my message (the one I haven’t had the courage to send yet)

OP posts:
Palavah · 18/01/2020 09:44

If you ask him about his Christmas and new year his answer should tell you whether he's attached, and vice versa.

EoinMcLovesCakeJumper · 18/01/2020 09:46

Musti says what I would probably say if I was feeling brave. If not, then a general "Hey, how's it going? What are you up to these days?" It's not as if you have anything to lose, is it? You don't see him at work any more and you won't have to avoid him if he turns out not to be interested. Do it do it!

dontgobaconmyheart · 18/01/2020 12:41

I would just message to be honest OP, otherwise why even friend request him? Even a simple 'Hi how are you' will do- if he is interested in replying he will regardless and I don't think most people would accept a request then ignore a message. I wouldnt degrade yourself by putting up posts designed to fish a response when you can just say hi. He knows you're vaguely interested because you've found him on IG and added him (he will have no idea he came up as suggested)...may as well say hi!

You realistically barely know him so you'd need to get chatting to find out more anyway and there is no reason the Instagram DM wouldn't work for that.

I wouldn't put huge amounts of stock in his 'immediate' acceptance though. People like having followers on IG and I accept (legitimate) requests usually immediately because my phone is usually in my hand like most people and the notification pops up so I just deal with it.

mamato3lads · 18/01/2020 17:31

Definitely a friendly casual message

Come back and let us know what happens!

Good luck Flowers

TashieWoo · 19/01/2020 20:07

I’m so scared I keep putting it off! Maybe tomorrow evening.

My 89 year old grandma told me to yesterday so I definitely need to do it at some point!

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 19/01/2020 20:18

Yep you should- and nothing wrong with making the first move.

Musti · 24/01/2020 13:08

@TashieWoo did you message him?

toomanyleggings · 24/01/2020 13:17

It's a bit desperate. If he replies and you go out you could waste months not knowing if he actually likes you or just thinks you're easy

PinkMonkeyBird · 24/01/2020 13:21

Do it!

Newnamewhodis1 · 24/01/2020 15:44

@toomanyleggings WTF are you talking about 'desperate'.

Ignore someone who owns more than one pair of leggings OP. did you message him? What's the update?

toomanyleggings · 24/01/2020 15:54

@Newnamewhodis1 entitled to an opinion. Chasing after men rarely ends well

TashieWoo · 30/01/2020 19:01

Hi, sorry I’ve just seen these subsequent replies, and I appreciate your interest! I think I will at some point but I haven’t so far, to use a hideous term I’m not really in the correct headspace at the moment. I went through a close family bereavement less than two weeks ago and we haven’t had the funeral yet, plus other family problems and I’m working on a very big contract for work so I don’t really have any time/emotional energy, and while it could help to lift my spirits a bit, it could also go the other way!

Thank you though Flowers

OP posts:
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