My abusive ex makes me so angry

[Winterwonderland10]

Been split with him 3 years when I walked away with our 6 month old. I went into a women's refuge. He was emotionally/mentally/financially abusive. I was such a mess, felt like I was going crazy. Cried most days. He gaslit me so badly.

Today I'm a much stronger independent person. I stand up for myself with him now and I hate the guy. However obviously we have a child together so he's still around. I had no concerns for DS welfare so he sees his dad often.

Last night and this morning his has just wound me up. No one in my life gets it and the abusive things that I went through so just need to vent on here.

Last night he said he would call DS. He didn't call, so when DS was asleep I asked why he didn't call. All the excuses came and then he blamed ME for making him look a bad parent!! And said I'm making him for shit for HIS actions! So I told him he's making stuff up as I asked why he didn't call. This morning he FaceTime our DS and he wasn't in focus as DS was holding the phone. He snaps and says can you hold the phone straight so I can see you. So I told him don't have a go at DS he was holding the phone. He rolls his eyes and say whatever to me. When DS is off the phone I tell him not to speak to me that way in front of our DS. He then says what are you on about I didn't speak to you badly. Says I love drama. I just told him you don't like it when I stand up for myself and never have. And I've now ignored him.

He makes me so angry!!! He speaks to most people badly!! What thinks his attitude is fine! And recently some of his parenting has made me so angry! The way he lets DS speak to his parents and finds it funny boils my blood. It's not DS fault as when I asked where DS got it from he says must have been from me!! At my house DS has boundaries and is taught respect and manners. To be kind just general normal morals.

Sorry for the long post but just needed to rant as can't with anyone IRL

I hear you. He knows exactly how to push your buttons. It’s so hard to co-parent with someone who isn’t being genuine in wanting to have a good relationship. Have you heard of the grey rock technique?

I've heard of it but haven't used it before. I think you're right he tries to get a reaction out of me. He is fine with me if I agree with him but as soon as I challenge him and stick up for myself that is when he turns nasty. I cannot stand him.
And my big concern is my DS picking up his traits. I want him to respect people and be kind unlike his dad

My advice would be try and ignore it the best you can. My ex demands contact from me as a result of us having a child together. He threatens access (he too was extremely abusive to me so I’m very content he isn’t a part of my child’s life) unless I stay in touch and give him updates. He actually started insisting on seeing me, his bid to woo me back but in the end I started to refuse and called his bluff.

He almost ruined me. Try and take a step back and go low contact it’s the only way forward.

So, he is impacting on your son's welfare.

You should literally be doing hand overs, nothing more. Stick to the contact you agreed, don’t pursue him when he doesn’t phone, you’re opening yourself up to him being horrible to you. You’ve told him off for not phoning, why bother? It won’t make him sorry or behave better. He’s using you contacting him to be unpleasant. Just hand over your ds, walk away. Stop contacting him between times.

Your ex has not changed an iota since you left him.

What are your boundaries like here re your ex; it seems like they need revising further upwards. Have you considered enrolling yourself onto Women's Aid Freedom programme; it is for those who have been in abusive relationships. Men like this can and do further mash all sense of boundaries here.

Your son does not have a good role model in his dad. You need to consider whether this current level of contact is actually beneficial for your DS because it most likely is not. This man uses your son to also get back at you as his mother; you're still being punished by this man here. Your son needs decent male role models to emulate.

If he was that bothered about his son he would not be treating you as his mother (and in turn his child) with such contempt in the first place.

BTW does he pay maintenance for his son?

Stop continuing to put yourselves in his line of fire.

If he wants to see his son that much then he can now visit this child in a contact centre.

I second what PP said about grey rock.

I am in a similar situation. My son is 4 this year, I also went into a refuge because of his dad. I now have to see him fortnightly and video calls.

I dislike communicating/seeing him alone. Luckily for me, he has a girlfriend and I think she keeps him in place. I actually quite like her. (Why she is with him is beyond me).

Prior to that, everything was done in a contact centre. You may want to look for some in your area so handover could be done. Grey rock is the way forward. I don't engage in anything with my sons dad. I keep it as basic and emotionless as possible. It's a technic you're going to have to learn to keep you sane for however many years to come until your child is older. You need as minimal contact as physically possible.

People like that do not change EVER.

I know it's hard when he's a shit parent at times.

I would be looking to distance myself and my child from this man, he is just bad news and will only poison the environment for you.
Be strategic and also businesslike with him, treat him like a colleague that you dislike but you need to be civil to him in order to get the best outcome for yourself.

You've done amazingly to have got away and got to where you are now OP. I hope you're justifiably proud. I'm wondering if you ever had any kind of specialised counselling or support after the abuse? It sounds like it's triggering you which is a sign of post traumatic stress.

The only other thing apart from counselling I can advise is to disengage emotionally. It's hard but you have to take a step back and not let him get to you. It's so peaceful once you have achieved that state of mind. Have you ever meditated or tried Mindfulness? Might be worth investigating.

Your ex is abusive and he will continue to abuse you, only you can change your reaction to it. Don't get embroiled in arguments with him. Get a third person to do handovers if you don't want to see him.

Sounds like my ex..a poisonous little dick...i have nc and neither does ds...noway i will have my child grow up to speak to people like shit and be an abusive/manipulate arsehole, which is the only thing ex would teach...i put effort into teaching my kids good morals and principles...sorry for the hijacking rant

Hand over happens at the door. Disengage as much as possible, do everything by email or text. He’s never not going to be an arsehole so limit your exposure to him.

Are these arrangements court ordered or set up by you?

The mistake you made is contacting your ex and engaging with him.

Do not contact him when he screws up with contact.

Simply say to your son however old he is that his father must have a reason but you don't know it. Your son will unfortunately learn quite quickly his father is unreliable. No bad thing if his father is also abusive.

Thank you for all your replies, i took some time yesterday to try not think about him. He has a new gf, been with her more than a year. Don't know when exactly, so he does not want me back and neither do I. I do think he likes the power play though.

We only spoke if its regarding our DS, nothing personal. Well i say nothing person, he took it upon himself to tell me he was struggling as he just went cold turkey on his AD. I just said ok well you have support from your GF and family/friends. Dont think that was the reaction he hoped for from me. I now believe he was hoovering, as i've really disengaged from him.

Could do the freedom programme again, although i've done alot of my own research and reading on abuse. I'm also currently in counselling again, just restarted it.

@ohwheniknow and @AttilaTheMeerkat I don't know he adores our DS he really does. The only thing that concerns me if lack of routine, not many boundaries and ex's attitude to discipline and the bad behaviour that he find funny. I don't believe he would ever get full custody but he has threatened many times for 50/50. And he really seems to think he would get it. The only reason i believe he wants this is because of maintenance. He hates paying me it and has admitted it numerous times. I've always said i don't care about money, take me to court, he then doesn't mention it again.

@12345kbm he does trigger me but I have recently begum to think i have PTSD from another trumatic event that happened last year and not ex. I have gradually become worse. I believe i had PND though when i had my DS and ive had anxiety and depression ever since. He could have contributed to it when i was with him.

No court arrangements. All done by us. However DS begins school this year and ive stated he needs a structure and not to keep being passed around by us. He needs to do school work and his friends will be in this area. His Dad has yet to get his own place and lives 40 mins from me so i believe we need to redo our arrangement but he will go mental if i cut his dad which i want to do but dont know how?

Sorry for the long post again!

Sorry typos "he will go mental if i cut his days"*

I had my counselling this morning and feel alot less angry and better now for letting it all out

Any one around to give advise regarding cutting back days?

OP why are you getting into a discussion with your ex about his anti depressants? He's not your 'mate', he's an abuser. He seems to have rented a room in your head and you are spending an awful amount of energy anticipating his reactions. I can tell you his reactions - abusive. He'll do what he can to make your life difficult.

That's why you've been advised by about 10 people to disengage entirely from him.

You need advice on contact arrangements and you're right, your child needs firm boundaries. If you contact Gingerbread: www.gingerbread.org.uk/ they should be able to advise you on that or take a look on their website which is very comprehensive.

Keep communication with him at an absolute minimum. Child stuff only via email. It's always best to have a paper trail with an abuser.

If you can afford it, get a solicitor. The Family Law Panel have solicitors trained in domestic abuse. They have lower fees for those earning under a certain bracket. Some offer free legal clinics.

Unfortunately he's unlikely to be receptive even if it's in your son's best interests. The standard seems to be eow plus one night midweek overnight for the none resident parent. Would that work for your son? Perhaps email or message him to say you need to come to an agreement as to what is going to happen when your son starts school and if he kicks off you have time to get a court order in place for September.

@12345kbm I didn't enter into a discussion. It literally came out of no where this message. I just said ok well you have your gf and family around for support and that's all that was said. Thanks I'll have a look on their website.

He did message yesterday to ask what was happening with arrangements when DS goes to school. I just said I hadn't thought about it yet and didnt engage. Even though I have thought about it so much.

Sounds so similar to my ex. I've had years of it. We've been to court several times and having an order in place makes things easier and contact is limited but he will still use any opportunity possible to get to me. Unfortunately most of the time that means he involves my DC

However my attitude towards him has changed hugely over the years and I am much less stressed and stronger.

I know it's a worry that your DS will pick up his bad behaviours but you can control how your DS behaves in your care and teach him what is and isn't acceptable in your home.

@Winterwonderland10 I apologise. I've got a bug and am not feeling so great so am perhaps being a bit irritable. I understand that you are concerned and going through a lot.

I'm glad you're getting counselling and am wondering if you could research EMDR for the previous trauma. I don't know if it will be suitable but there's no harm looking it up.

If you get proper contact arrangements set up there would be no need for messages. If he gets difficult about it then like I said above, consider getting a solicitor involved. It's always best to have as little contact with an abuser as possible, so if you can get a third party involved, all the better.

As I said above, Gingerbread are the best place to start. They can advise and signpost you if necessary.

In the meantime, just do your best to remain disengaged.