Calling time on marriage

[user68435567]

Name change

Been with DH 25 years, married 20. 2 DC (15
& 12). Respect him, trust him, he's a good man, No cheating or abuse but if I'm honest just not attracted to or in love with him anymore. We both feel resentful and taken for granted. Really poor communication.
There is very little warmth between us and the rounds of Relate counselling we've had only seems to stick a temporary plaster on things.

We are very different, albeit with same basic family oriented principles but no longer have a connection. Big fallouts approx every 6 months where I just want to leave but am too scared. He manages to talk me down each time because neither or us have the balls to say 'enough'.

We met at university and he is all I've ever known but I can't live on fond memories.

Been a SAHM mum for years although work casually now - he earns all the money. Terrified of how it would affect the DC especially with DS approaching GCSEs. Feel so lame.

Almost wish he would call it a day because at least one of us would be taking action

Try separating first to ensure this is what you both really want

It doesn’t feel to me that there is a good enough reason to end the marriage and not work at bringing the spice back but you both know best

I'd get retraining/get yourself better prospects for a decent wage to support yourself as your first priority. Get yourself ready to go it alone.

Thank you so much for your prompt replies, so grateful.

I know my reasons look really lame when written down - an older generation I'm sure would just say 'put up and shut up'.
But I've felt like this for a long time and can't help but think there is more to marriage than this merry go round

yes that's essential, don't just go running off. train or get a proper job or you will find life really, really hard and miserable. I know how awful it can be and you don't realise how bad it can be if you are used to a certain standard of living.
My ex husband couldn't be bothered to work for most of our marriage and when he skipped off to a greener grass field he was staggered by how hard his new life was.
I won't have him back though, once someone leaves they needn't think they can keep coming back whenever it suits him.
He has given up a lovely home - he can't afford one on his own - a nice pension and an early retirement. He didn't think it through and is now really angry about throwing it all away.

There is more to life.

Personally I'd focus on getting match-fit for the workplace while your dc does their GCSEs (if it's this summer). And aim to be splitting soon after.

Ducks in a row and all that.

There IS more to life. A lack of attraction and a general feeling of resentment must be so draining for both of you!
You need to be very brave but you can leave. You have that choice , you now need to work out the practicalities.

Dont just settle. You'll be miserable.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Something is keeping you still within this so what is it?.

What are you scared of here re separation and divorce?. Him, his reaction to this, money worries, reactions from friends/family members, where to live, your childrens reactions?. All these and many others can play a part here. Why seemingly would you prefer him to do this?. So that you do not have to be the so called "bad person" here?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Have you both really stayed together merely and simply now because of them?. Staying for the children is rarely if ever a good idea because it places a terrible burden upon them and teaches them that your relationship is based on a lie. They know that things are not good between you and dad and they pick up on all the unspoken vibes and antipathy. You cannot fully protect them from the antipathy you both have towards each other; they will pick up on this.

Would you want them to have a relationship like this as adults, no you would not. You should not either because you two have stayed together really for your own, perhaps selfish based, reasons. One day your children will leave home and perhaps sooner rather than later if you two stayed together for your own reasons. They won't want to visit you very often. Your own relationship with them if that was the case could become damaged because they could accuse you of putting him before them. If they determined that you stayed because of them they could call you daft for doing so and they are not going to say "thanks mum" to you for doing that to them.

Have you actually sought legal advice to date, doing this may give you more knowledge and after all knowledge is power.