Divorce, child and military

[Sarahc4665]

Hi there
This is the first time I’ve used this.
I’m going to cut a very long story short, I’m in the process of divorcing and sorting a parental plan with my narcissistic, emotional abusive husband who had an affair.
He is in the military and lives in a single man room on barracks. Our LG has always stayed over one night a week and he is pushing for longer. I’m not happy with her staying in an environment like this and he cant control others behaviour ie. late night noises, intoxicated residents and sexual encounters etc. I don’t believe this is an appropriate environment for a 6 year old girl. My solicitor has advised me this is not unreasonable of me to request this.
Is there anyone out there who knows the absolute facts on the rules on children staying over night in barracks?
Thank you

I should add that I’m not denying the one night just no more unless he can provide alternative accommodation. And in the holidays it’s the one night plus another night in the week but not consecutively over the weekend. Thanks

Is he even allowed to have her stay in single male accommodation?

I doubt the army would be very impressed with a little girl sleeping in a male barracks.
My DH is ex military, before he met me, and judging from some of the stories he's told me there's no way on God's earth I'd let a child of either sex sleep in a male military barracks.

He needs to contact the welfare unit, they have houses or apartments to facilitate this, so they can see their children in a safe environment. It does vary by location, but you are right, it is inappropriate for her to stay in barracks with him.

I have said to him about welfare housing but he always says there is none available or it’s too expensive which is all excuses and BS. It’s a mixed dorm apparently but either way it is still not appropriate. I’m standing my ground with this as I believe it’s in our daughters best interest, but I just wanted to get further info As to the facts within the military, he’s also told me that children are allowed to sleep over as there are other fathers that do it and as long as the powers that be know, it’s fine.
I’m hating this, he’s such a manipulative person.
Thank you

Just get your solicitor to ask him for the paragraph of standing orders which states that children are permitted to spend the night in soldiers’ accommodation and for the barrack safeguarding policy in relation to the presence of children in accommodation blocks.

It’s extremely unlikely that he’ll be able to produce either of those because it’s extremely unlikely that children are permitted within the accommodation as it’s a safeguarding nightmare considering some of the behaviour they may be exposed to, but by asking you appear more reasonable than just giving a blanket no.

In no way should he be having the child in SLA.
Here’s a list of welfare/contact houses (not all bases have surplus stock available) if he doesn’t have access to one it is his responsibility to secure accommodation for them while your child visits. Your daughter shouldn’t be in barracks, not covered by insurance and definitely not a suitable environment.
You are still entitled to contact the units welfare officer or HIVE as well as the various families services depending on which branch he is in, and they should be able to offer you advice and clarification regarding any concerns.

www.army.mod.uk/umbraco/Surface/Download/Get/3995

Contact the AFF in your area. On no account should he be arranging overnight stays in SLA. Just no.

When we were still serving DH used to do this with his 6 year old, but that was in a Sgts Mess with private facilities, on a weekend when there were only a few other occupants and all of whom had known DH for years and DSD since birth. Whilst she probably did see or hear the odd drunk, she was never in any danger and the others were remarkably respectful of her and DH (and she was often spoiled by them - surrogate uncles!)

A ‘singlies’ block is a different kettle of fish and wouldn’t be appropriate at all.

Hi Sarah as mentioned upthread is he allowed your LG to stay legally? Have you checked this out with the higherarchy? Is yr partner Army? I’m ex Navy and there’s no way this would be allowed and I’ve certainly never came across this before!

I would not allow any child of mine to sleep on the camp. That’s why couples live in Married Quarters.

There will be a welfare house available for him to use. He needs to contact welfare.

There are always empty houses on camp. He needs to contact welfare to have housing arranged until then your DD shouldn't be staying there

Just to confirm he is in the Army Uk, and lives in single man accommodation with private bathroom in the Sgt’s mess. The others on the block are generally respectful when she is with him but he can’t control their behaviour should that change.

Thank you lolalovesmarmite and all of you for your input. I think I’m going to have to call the hierarchy, I’m just concerned they might tell him I’ve asked. X

I asked him ages ago to contact welfare and he just tells me he has and there’s nothing etc etc I shouldn’t have to tell him that though. I’ve asked him to look into requesting his own place then he could have 50/50 visits but he’s just so anal with money, lies about everything so I give up. I’m not going to force him to change his living accommodation for him to have her more as to me that’s just a given and if it were me I’d do anything. 😢

Oh, Sgt’s Mess? Bit different than a singlies block. Not ideal but probably fine. Guests in and out of both Officers and Sgts Messes all the time, and while they will probably let her eat in the bar of a lunchtime (usually families all over at the weekends) I doubt she’ll be allowed in at night.
If he is in a suite with a private bathroom then it’s basically the same as him taking her to a hotel. Except that obviously he knows everyone, and in a hotel he wouldn’t.

I’d say fine for a year or two, then he needs to start getting his shit together. He earns plenty and should be making long term living arrangements that allow for a pre-teen dd to come and stay. So at least 2 bedrooms. Or is he planning on doing the whole ‘I’ve served my country so my country has to house me’ routine?

Singles block? No.

Sgts Mess? Private room/bathroom? Yes, of course. Your DD will be well respected and looked out for. (Honestly it's not very much different from staying in a hotel in terms of accommodation, except in the Mess, you know everyone!)

Your issues with your ex are, of course, separate (and sound awful OP). But don't use use this excuse about accommodation as leverage to stop him seeing his child because of his appalling behaviour towards you (tempting though it might be!). I've lived in Sgts Mess accommodation and it often hosted young children in similar circumstances.

@nachthexe She'll be allowed in up until 7pm in most Messes (timings do vary of course depending on who is in charge, or if there's a mess function on), but my children and I often had dinner in our Mess and then be out by 7-ish.

I can hand on heart this is not an attempt to prevent him seeing her, I wouldn’t do that as it would effect her and this is mine and his crap. She has been staying with him for about the last 10/12 months on a Friday, I have no doubt she is cared for properly and fed etc. I just don’t feel comfortable and don’t think it’s in her best interest to be in that environment over a weekend ie. a Friday and Saturday. He has made no attempt to find/request/ask for ‘suitable’ accommodation. I just don’t want her to be around the ‘block’ environment.

Thank you all for your help.
Your point about it like staying in a hotel has a very valid point and I’m going to seriously consider it. But I think I’m going to have to request a time when he looks into ‘proper’ accommodation.
You’ve all been very helpful, thank you x

The Sgt's Mess I wouldn't have a huge issue with. We used to have family happy hours in the officers' mess and occassionally stay over with our (then) 2 year old with no issue.

As others have said there will be welfare houses for this sort of thing though and they're usually VERY cheap! Especially if it's facilitating access to a child, it's tiered and hed get one of the cheapest rates.
(To deter people using them for non welfare reasons, like going to their mates camp for a piss up). The HIVE would speak to you about it if you call them.

Why are you ok with one night? But not 2?

OP...NOBODY ever refers to anybody who is staying in either the Sgts or Officers mess ‘living on the block’. They are ‘living in the mess’. Which has very different connotations!

Also, the Mess is a good choice for a single or divorced Sgt or Officer, unsure of where/when they’ll be posted, as it means they won’t be paying two lots of rent whilst away, or paying a mortgage on a house that’s standing empty for 6 months.

But...you know all of this, so 🤷‍♀️