How do you leave a narcissist?

[Dragonfly23]

How do you leave a narcissist? I can't take anymore. If things dont go his way he gets moody, no empathy, classic narcissism. Tried many times to fix things, but never works. Says he will change, but never does. We are living in my house that I own and have a child and another on the way. I don't want any trouble from him, I just want him out of my house. Any advice on how to deal with a person like this?

Same way you get rid of any abuser. It's classic domestic abuse. Take away the "narcissist" label and deal with the fact he's an abuser.

Speak to Women's Aid 0808 2000 247.

If he kicks off when you tell him to leave, call the police. Tell them you're experiencing domestic abuse. Non-physical domestic abuse is still a crime, and waiting for him to turn physical before you call the police is inadvisable.

Maybe do the Freedom Programme once you've dealt with the practicalities and are safe. It might help you protect yourself in future, and your children. Because he will abuse them too and he won't hesitate to use them as a weapon to hurt you. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Those moods are just manufactured anger to get you to do what he wants, by the way. It's all about controlling you. Hence promising to change but not following through. He's just doing whatever he thinks will enable him to keep hold of his power over you.

The reason I say to ditch the narcissism thing is because you don't know that and it's an irrelevant distraction even if it's true; if you ask for help with his "narcissism" professionals aren't going to be able to help you appropriately or may dismiss you as just having a personality clash or normal relationship difficulties. They may not immediately appreciate the level of risk you're facing as a woman trying to leave an abusive relationship.

Whereas if you give them clear and accurate information about the fact you're experiencing domestic abuse people can help you. They know how to risk assess that. They know what tools are open to safeguard you.

So if you go to the police or a solicitor, don't say the issue is he's a narcissist - be clear that the issue is that he's been abusing you. Then they can help you.

Are you married OP? If you're married, that will make a difference regarding the house.

Contact Gingerbread, they can help you with any questions you have regarding contact arrangements etc. www.gingerbread.org.uk/ They can't give legal advice.

Once you are fully informed then sit down and have a conversation with him.

If you think he may get violent then contact the helpline cited above to get advice on safety planning so you can exit the relationship with minimum risk.

Have a look at the CABx guide to ending a relationship which is pretty comprehensive: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/

Have you already told him that you want him out of your house?

You may have to change the locks and call the Police if he tries to enter against your will. He needs to realise that you're serious and can't continue to live like this, esp. for the sake of your child. This stress is not good for your unborn child either. Maybe then you can both try to work through his issues with individual and couple counselling, once he moves out. Although, it's highly unlikely that he'll change much if he's definitely a narcissist. Lots of helpful websites posted above. Good luck and be strong 💐

Not married thank goodness, don't think he'll be violent, thank you for the link.

I wanted to separate a few months ago, he didnt take it well, tears, where am I gonna live, that type of thing. He promised he would change and things would be better, which was a lie and silly me hoped for the best.

I know the stress is what I'm worried about. My Dr already told me to keep my stress down.

It's just awkward cos it's my house. If I were living in his place I could take the baby and leave and that's it, if you know what I mean.

It's hard dealing with that personality..

Plan everything. Decide what you want. And lay the ground.

From the moment he leaves he will be your mortal enemy if it is not his idea. But since you’ve already tried to leave and he really is a narc, once you’ve planned, get him out ASAP.

Get financial plans done. If you have a child together expect him not to pay. It’s that’s sort of thing you need to plan for - not assume any reasonable behaviour.

You can beat a narc - but you get one chance. And stick to your guns. You will be tested if he’s really got NPD.

I have a few narc family members who I am able to keep at arms length bc I do not live with them. Had no choice as a child. I've learned that the key is to set boundaries and repeat them every single time they try to test and overstep your boundaries. Do not do or put up with anything that you do not want to do or anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. They will find a way to make any resulting issue your problem (tears, where I am going to live?, but I planned to visit today, Xmas is basically cancelled if you don't host on Xmas Day, etc), but stick to your guns. I don't answer my front door if any of them turn up at my house unannounced. They know that this is likely to be the case, but they still do it. One of them will call other household members to speak to me, if they are unable to get through to me via phone immediately.

You say, "I've had enough. I want you out of my house today."
You get a cardboard box and start putting his things in it.
When he starts flustering and blustering you say, "I warned you before, no more chances. I want you out."
When he says he has no where to go, tell him, that is what hotels are for. Put out your hand and say "I want my house key now."
The tears worked last time. He might repeat that performance. Walk away to find another box. If he follows you, say "You are wasting your breath. You go with your things or without. But you are going."

Just out of curiosity, is it a, he's got furniture there or a, he's got clothes and that's about it? Does he have a car?

How to you leave a narcissist?
In plastic bags at the bottom of the ocean. Ideally.

If only it were that easy.

Yeah I think that's it just need to stick to my guns and not give in.

He only has clothes and he has his own car.

Get the locks changed. Otherwise he will be back in. Their entitlement is huge so unless you do change them, he will not be able to resist going back in.

Ideally, wait for him to go out, pack his stuff, get locks changed. No discussion.

Some of these people can turn violent. You are vulnerable and so I would avoid direct confrontation. They can’t handle being told no. Once they realise you are serious, matters can escalate and you are pregnant. It could get physical if you confront him. Their egos cannot take it.

I would also get someone to stay with you for a few days. Narcs are difficult people but they do not like people knowing what they do. Tell your friends and family what you are doing and why. Otherwise you will be harassed via them as he pesters them.

Be steely. Do not waver. And mean it!