Narc.. mum in hospital

[madmum5811]

Awful mum, all the DCs went NC years ago. Today received a phone call that she has been in hospital since August, an op. went wrong she can no longer walk. She posted her funeral plan to me last year. Now I really do not want to go down that rabbit hole again. She has been in sheltered housing for nearly 30 years, driving them mad, police involved etc. So what do I do. Have informed one sibling who really does not want to know, the other lives abroad.

I am nc with dm and df. No phone call from anyone will change that.
She will still be the same imo.

The fact that she's been in hospital since August and you've only just found out is quite telling. What do you feel you should do vs what do you actually want to do?

I was nc with my narc mother but when I got the call to say that she was fatally unwell I did go and so did my sibling , to spend her last 5 days of life with her. I held her hand while she died .
What was important to me was that the air could be cleared . While we could, we chatted and I told her I forgave her .
When she died I was so glad we’d had that conversation. Now I feel like our relationship is at peace .
Is that something that may be important to you?

Will you feel guilty afterwards if you don't go? You need only spend half an hour with her or something, after all.

I would do the basic minimum whilst protecting myself. Contact anyone you believe should be contacted, giving them the option to visit. Call and make sure she is receiving appropriate care. Ask to be informed of any changes if you want to know. You don't need to visit or contact if it's detrimental to you.

I did not fully reconcile with my DM before she died, but did care for her, visit her and put up with her narc bile. It helped me massively, because I have no doubt in my mind that “going high” for me was the best resolution. Only do that if you feel able to though. If she can hurt you more than you can bear, keep away. You could always send a card just saying you have found out she is unwell.

I couldn't, but that's just me.

F*ck.that.noise.

Sounds like an awful thing to say not to go to her if she is on her...last legs...as it were. But it would be smart not to. Monsters don't change.

I got a call last year from my in-contact sibling to support my mum as she was blue-lighted to hospital. I did, sibling eventually arrived from halfway across the country. Sibling left for work obligations, I visited a few times. Fortunately in rude health again, up to old tricks, was seriously affronted when I said things weren't fixed between us just after a few visits.

My MH took a serious nosedive, affecting my close family and my job, big shadow over Christmas.

Think very carefully about your next steps op

Tricky situation, can understand your dilemma. If she wasn't ill you would probably continue to be no contact because of her previous behaviour. How does her illness change that? Will her disability make her easier to deal with and do you want the potential ongoing responsibility for her? You could end up trapped and resentful and trying to find the courage to disengage again.

Posting her funeral plan to you is highly manipulative behaviour. She's not trying to build bridges is she? She's trying to guilt you. No one would blame you for keeping away but a bit of counselling to deal with the guilt might be very helpful for you.

Hold tight, OP. She's trying to guilt-trip you and you really mustn't fall for it.

You need to think about what are the best and worst possible outcomes for getting back in contact versus staying nc. And then decide which worse case scenario would be the easiest for you to cope with if it comes to that.

Who contacted you?. The timing is of note given that your mother has been in hospital now for some months. Was this person really acting here as a "flying monkey"? (a well meaning but usually easily manipulated person co-opted by the narcissist to do their bidding for them). Regardless, this flying monkey is not interested in hearing your side of things so that person should be ignored by you. Do not fall for such a guilt trip.

It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist and you are no contact with your mother for very good reason. It is also telling that one sibling is abroad (perhaps primarily to escape mother) with your other sibling not wanting to know about mother either.