Was this him or me?

[PeterAndrex]

Name changed for this as very personal.

I met up with a friend today who I have had a flirtation with for years. We had decided to make a go of things and get together. There are feelings on both sides.

Neither of us are sexually vanilla and he has had an online friendship with a woman as they are both members of a niche kink site and they are joint members and submit things together. They have hooked up in the past, but not for a long time, they have both been single and still not got together so all fine and innocent fun.

Tonight, I went to have a nosy and laugh at what they had put on there today and I was blocked. I told him I was hurt as I don't mind what was going on, but it's hard to see something as innocent if I am not allowed to see it. I said that I would struggle with them sharing this kink thing if he and I were making a go of it.

He initially said "ok then, well you have your levels and rules, good to meet up today, take care". So I was gutted and flummoxed and couldn't believe that he wanted to end things so quickly over something that was just a bit of fun.

I explained that blocking me seemed less than innocent, that I disnt have a problem with ehat they were doing, but I would at least like it to not be hidden from me. It was apparently she who had blocked me as she didn't know who I was and thought it may be someone who knew her in real life.

So he unblocked me but was really off with me saying that he didn't want strife, aggravation, stress or guilt trips as he has enough of that in his life anyway and doesn't want to add more.

Was I being unfair? I know he is stressed to death at the moment but he seemed to go nuclear very quickly. I am left wondering what the fuck is going on.

and laugh at what they had put on there today

I think this was your mistake?

His response seems on the first glance quite clear and fair.

I’m sorry, but it sounds like he’s not that into you relationship wise - if he was he’d care how you felt, not say those things

Might be better to jus be friends.

But no YANBU to feel upset/shutout/unhappy about him sharing a kink thing with this woman/that group.

As soon as I told him how I felt, he made sure I was unblocked. So he has taken my feelings on board.

Apparently his mate blocks everyone who seems vanilla (and my Twitter feed is very vanilla) as she is a touch paranoid about being identified. She was worried that I knew her IRL.

And I must admit that I had told him I thought it was funny, so may be he also didn't want to feel laughed at.

It was just the way he went from 0 - 100 about it. It was weird!

Maybe you hit a nerve and were the easier target?

I'm sorry I have just seen the bit where you said you're supposed to be making a go of it together. This could turn out to be your lucky escape, I should have read it properly the first time it's definitely him not you!

Ah ok. Thanks. I have assured him I wasn't laughing at his kink, more that I always had an inkling and I laughed as I was right. But I would never laugh at his kink.

But do you share the kink? I once dated (very briefly) a man with a kink and I just couldn't get on board shall we say

I do so that aspect doesn't bother me.

Why does it bother you? Surely that should be a good thing?

Because he is openly sharing it with someone else?

Not that he is sharing it - I know that there is no more to it than he has said.

What bothered me was when I thought he had blocked me. That made it seem less innocent. And really hurt that there was a part of his sexuality that I wouldn't have been party to. Turns out that she blocked me. Fair enough. And I am now unblocked.

I was bloody horrible to him a while back when I was mentally unwell. I mean evil. I am not proud of it and I can't apologise to him enough. But when I asked why he still wants to know me, it's because he has feelings for me. I do think he worries about it being more trouble than it's worth, and that perhaps that's why he immediately said about ending it. But it makes no sense that he is not into me, or he REALLY wouldn't have the time of day for me after the he'll I put him through.

Do you think that's anything to do with him so quickly saying it's over - how I was in the past?

What is the kink? It sounds very self indulgent and dramatic to block anyone who ‘appears vanilla. Nobody can tell someone’s sexual proclivities by appearance unless you choose to dress in an obvious’niche’ kink way, which many niche kinksters do...
How pretentious and short sighted. She sounds extremely immature and dramatic.
I can’t believe there’s anything they’re into that’s particularly out of the ordinary and warrants their reaction
I would not be happy with my partner sharing a niche kink with anyone else and excluding me.
I am all for kinks but this sounds very one way and none of it is going your way.

The only feelings are yours towards him. He's made it crystal clear the only feelings on his end is getting his dick wet. He doesn't care. Save your feelings for someone who deserves them.

Oh god, is he a furry? I don't know why but I have found them to be the MOST self indulgent, entitled kinksters ever.

As for telling you his gf blocked you - lol of course she did mate, because you gave her your login details and said "so I have this vanilla FWB and I don't want to stop boning her, oh BTW her username is JustHereToLaughAtKinksters"

Laughing at people's kinks is really wrong BTW. It takes a lot of courage to open up to a new partner/potential partner who wasnt met through fetlife.

@PeterAndrex

He sounds like a right catch ... why on earth would you want to get involved in a possible threesome? I know some women do but I wouldn't be interested in that kind of set up.

As soon as I told him how I felt, he made sure I was unblocked. So he has taken my feelings on board.

No he hasn't

You said that he was off with you and moaned at you for causing him strife - that's hardly taking how you feel into account is it?

Ffs get your stories straight

where are all these feelings he has for you ? Are you going to start a relationship which is monogamous or is he going to do what he pleases whilst messing you around?

OP, why are you lying to yourself?

You didnt look for a laugh. You looked because you have feelings and you wanted to know whats going on.

You dont trust him or the set up. Because you jumped to the conclusion, that he had blocked you. That he was hiding something.

Women come here all time with the line 'I was just looking at his phone put of boredom/for a laugh/nosiness' and women come here all the time claiming to be happy with an unusual set relationship set up, when their words show they arent happy with it at all.

Stop lying to yourself. It's ok to not be ok with it.

Do they have sex together ?

I agree you're not being honest with yourself. You didn't look to has a
Laugh, you looked because you wanted to know what their relationship was like and felt a bit jealous. And he didn't take your feelings into account, he tries to bin you off, you has to basically downplay it to keep him with you, I also don't see how she blocked you and he unblocked you. I'd suggest it was him who blocked you and you know it.

The question isn't why is he behaving this way, the answer is clear, his feelings are not as strong as yours and he doesn't really care, this other woman is more important, the question is why are you trying to play it down and pretend to yourself.

Fair points made by everyone. I shall be binning him off. I am not up for a three way thing.

Hrth but you're not his type. Too invested emotionally maybe. An amateur.
I'm fairly vanilla so what would I know.
I'm a one person person.
You might be out of your depth.

Unbearable self indulgent DRAMA.

You are both at fault.

Him for saying he wants to give your 'relationship' a go (obviously not).

You for believing that you're absolutely fine with anything else he might want to get up to (obviously not).

Sounds like you both need a bit of 'vanilla' in your life.

Xpost! Good update OP.