To confront online friend or not

[DoMoose]

I have kept some details vague to not be too recognisable.

Some five years ago, I went through something and found some kindred spirits who went through something similar right here on these boards. We became close and started talking via a group chat every day. We also met in real life a couple of times, though never all at once due to scheduling conflicts and distances.

A year ago, one of the other members of our chat group (we are one of the few people who have never met each other) and I got into a discussion, and it had spiralled into an argument before I quite realised what was happening. It ended up with both of us hurt, but agreeing to drop it. Up until then, we had always gotten along very well, so I thought we'd be able to put it behind us. However, ever since, she has basically sent me to coventry. We both participate in the group chat still, but she has been ignoring all my messages. I thought she might just need some distance and time, but it has been more than a year now, and still she does not acknowledge me in any way. It is really awkward and weird. No one else has commented on it and I have not brought it up with anyone because I do not want to stir up drama.

I don't want to lose this group. What should I do?

I would just stop messaging her. I don't think confronting her is really an option (how can you, when she's ignoring you?).

If no one else in the group has commented then I would assume that either a) they don't know b) they've forgotten c) they're not bothered.

It's a group chat. All messages go to the whole group (but it's a small group).

If I would confront her, I would send her a private message of course.

How childish. If I'm assuming correctly she is ignoring you in the group chat? Could you message her privately and ask what's going on? Or simply stop acknowledging her in the chat but keep talking to the others

I'm not great with confrontation and I'm attached to the group because we helped each other through something really rough, so I have continued responding to her news and tried to be friendly. If I just stop acknowledging her, I don't think I'm going to feel much better about it, because there is only a small group of us and it's so glaring.

Has she blocked you? If so, it might be that she's not seeing your messages. That way she can 'ignore' by ignorance.

Is it awkward really? You might be overthinking it.

No, that's not possible with the app we use. I checked because I thought I could then block her in return so I would not have to see her ignoring me.

@DoMoose but that's exactly what she's doing to you? Surely the others have noticed her doing it. To keep talking to someone when they are quite obviously ignoring you seems pointless and daft. I get that you don't want to lose the friendship group but she clearly has an issue so you either call her out or stop making the effort

I might be overthinking, but it is painful. Imagine something like this:

Me: my mum was just diagnosed with cancer.
Member 1: I'm so sorry, DoMoose
Member 2: that's so awful DoMoose
Member 3: wow, DoMoose, so sorry
Member 3: cat is still pooping on the bed by the way
Her: aww, that sucks Member 3. Did you try different litter?
Member 4: DoMoose, how terrible about your mum. Is there anything we can do?
Member 4: Member 3, perhaps cat wants softer bedding?

She's making herself look a dick. Do not leave the group.

If anyone loses the friendship group it would be her because she's the one who is being childish. You carry on regardless.

Don't respond to her like you have been. If she really doesn't want anything to do with you then you are being rude by trying to force her to engage. If she is the type who like public sulking and punishments then you are feeding her bad behaviour by sending messages for her to punish-ignore. Grey rock for a while, see if she contacts you to make up.

If you really really really want to be mates with her then perhaps ask one of your mutual friends to find out if sulky friend wants to make up and if so for her to offer the olive branch because you have used yours up.

@MiseryChastain27 - I really wish there were more options, though. I don't want to force her to interact with me when she has clearly decided to cut me out, but I also don't want to have to step back and lose the whole group while she is the one who made that decision.

I have not contacted our mutual friends privately because I don't want to put them in the middle. I know they really appreciate her as well, especially the ones who have met her.

If it is blatant as the example you had given, and other members aren't addressing such obvious rudeness/lack of empathy with her, then I'm afraid I wouldn't be considering any of them to be that wonderful, and would take myself out of the group chat altogether. They are online friends, not close friends you see on a regular basis. Therefore, I think the concern this situation brings to you outweighs any positive influence it has in your life.
Personally I would exit with a flourish along the lines of "I have so enjoyed my experience with this group overall and value the friendships I have made very much. However, I no longer feel I can allow the rudeness of Twatty McTwatface to continue without mention. Therefore, I will be exiting this group chat. If anyone would like to keep in touch with me independently, or in a new group chat, I would very much welcome that. See ya!"

It sounds like none of them are really your friends if your example is correct. What was the fight about? Was it in the chat?

It was in the chat, yes. I don't want to say what it was about (I'm afraid some members might still lurk here) but some of it was definitely badly handled on my part, mostly because I was so taken aback about her stance on the issue (we always seemed to have similar world views). There was no name-calling or anything like that, but I probably came across as arrogant and rigid, because I was (and am) equally convinced of the opposite. We both apologised and made up at the time, though. The others did not join the argument, but had weighed in on the issue before it became a discussion between the two of us, and expressed moderate views.

My mum does not have cancer, but something equally blatant, yes.

In a group chat, does it matter if she ignores or doesn’t respond to your messages - assuming you aren’t directing them specifically at her but at the group in general? It sounds like you upset or offended her and she isn’t interested in trying to rebuild the relationship you thought you had, and that’s entirely her right. You don’t have to lose the rest of the group of confront her, just carry on posting as you do and interact with the people who do respond. I’m in a number of group chats for various things and I really don’t keep any track at all of who responds to things and in what way, I think you’re overthinking this.

I feel you, @ComtesseDeSpair, and I do think it is her right. But I have been doing what you suggest for a year, and it still hurts every time, whether I am overthinking or not. It is too small and engaged a group to just lose track.

How about feeling angry instead of hurt? When you've found your anger and worked through it for a while then you can move on to pitying her for being so petty. After pity you can move on to a mild sense of when she's failing to act like an adult.

The situation is the situation. It does not have to leave you feeling bad. You can progress through those other emotions to come out at a neutral place.

Confronting her won't solve it and may get turned against you in the wider group if she involves them. Better carry on as you are and think of her as "weird grudge-holding person".

Sensible advice both of you, and I think you hit the nail on the head, @FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou. I know I have issues with this moving from hurt to anger. If I were a therapist, I would probably deduce it comes from being bullied in childhood and being in a situation where I could not escape it, because I was not in a position to find other social circles (I grew up in a village), so I knew my only chance to belong was to befriend my tormentors. I managed that in the end. But I think I never mastered that process of hurt - anger - don't care because of it. Also, I always think it is me. I need to get over that.

It's a skill. A thinking skill. You can learn it.

In other words it doesn't have to be a huge hurdle to get over in one go, which would be impossible. You can't go from coach potato to fast 10k runner in one go, same with thinking skills. You have to choose a goal then train towards it, getting a bit better every day