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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I was fine with my post cesarean body until I realised that my husband wasnt

31 replies

LaBoda · 10/01/2020 13:26

While pregnant, I prepared as much as I could for a vaginal birth, eating all the dates I could buy, kegels, perineal massage. I really wanted to go as natural as I could. But I ended up having to have an emergency c section. There was the bit of me that felt like I failed, and I am still trying to get rid of that feeling. But more important to me was that my baby was safe and in fact, I was really impressed with how tiny the scar is. I really wasn't bothered that I had it and honestly felt like it was almost cool, that my baby came from there.
Despite the trauma of the birth experience, I was recovering well and feeling good about myself. I have been ready to have sex again for a long time, but any time I became affectionate towards my husband (who had always been super affectionate) he has always claimed to be too tired, or some other excuse. It was last week when he said he wasnt feeling well that I realised that he had lost all interest in sex with me and my post pregnancy body. I know it does look different, but I didnt put on much baby weight during pregnancy and I have lost it since. I understood that he didnt want to have sex while I was pregnant. He said because his baby was in there, it felt wrong. Ok. That I was fine with. But now, we are 6 months after birth and there is no sign of him being attracted to me at all anymore and it hurts. A lot.
If I ever approach the subject he tells me I am crazy and that I am beautiful and he is still very attracted to me. But, if that were the case, would he not have tried to have sex with me. It feels like actions speak louder than words.
I might sound like a sex maniac, but if I mention that we used to have sex around three times on a normal week and since getting pregnant until now have had sex THREE times in 16 months, I dont think that is a sex maniac!
Has anyone else had this experience and how did you cope/ deal with it?
I cant take my scar away and I dont want to!

OP posts:
Treesthemovie · 10/01/2020 13:29

It sounds like he isnt able to see you as a sexual person now that you have carried/had his child? Which is a bit odd

Mrsjayy · 10/01/2020 13:32

Was he at the c section was it a rush to hospital it might be he is traumatised too but doesn't realise it or he is seeing you as "mummy" and is struggiling it is probably nothing to do with your body.

Mama1980 · 10/01/2020 13:35

I think it's called the Madonna/whore complex (hideous term sorry!) or something like that? Now you're a mother he is struggling to see you in a sexual way.
I'm not sure what to suggest though other than talk to him, and plan a date night away maybe....give you a chance to reconnect outside of your roles as parents?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/01/2020 13:43

Have you actually asked him? You say you've broached the subject, but what did you actually say?

it sounds as if your scar is tiny, so it's probably more psychological and physical... or does he have ED issue?

2020BetterBeBetter · 10/01/2020 13:47

Are you sure it’s your body/scar or is it as Mama1980 says and because you are now the mother of his child (its a known condition)?

Original poster
LaBoda · 10/01/2020 13:58

It didnt even occur to me that it might be psychological. I jumped to the physical.
I have brought it up by gently asking him why he thinks we havent had sex. I have said that I would understand if it was to do with my post baby body, as long as he was honest. But that's when he tells me that this is not an issue and he still finds me attractive, etc. I havent said to him that I feel like it is him. He might think it is me, now that I think of it, who knows.

What is ED?

OP posts:
BonnyConnie · 10/01/2020 14:01

ED is erectile dysfunction. Are you sure he isn’t depressed?

Original poster
LaBoda · 10/01/2020 14:06

Oh. Lol.
Hmmm.... that's never been a problem in the past and we did have sex about two months ago and it was all good.
That was the only time since birth though, so I really dont know.

OP posts:
Sultanaofping · 10/01/2020 14:20

Thing is you're never going to know unless you can get him to talk, whether it's physical or psychological it's him with the problem so you can do nothing until he tells you what it is. How you get him to talk is best left to you because you know him and we don't but it's pointless for you to even try to resolve anything until you know what you're dealing with. My advice would be to not let this drag on though, get it out in the open and try to fix it because it's amazing how quickly no intimacy becomes a habit and it can be enough to end some marriages.

Middersweekly · 10/01/2020 14:21

It doesn’t sound to me like it has anything to do with your body. A tiny scar and a relatively unscathed body shape wouldn’t put off 99.9% of men! It sounds like he’s still processing the trauma of your birth and emergency c-section. Some men are not great with blood or stressful situations. Perhaps in his head he’s worried that you’ll end up pregnant and have to go through the trauma again. I would have a serious conversation about it because he has a mental block. Perhaps he needs counseling.

minipie · 10/01/2020 14:22

How’s your baby sleeping? Maybe he really is tired? If his sex drive was always lower than yours then maybe you’re not put off sex by being tired but he is.

Keepmewarm · 10/01/2020 14:32

It might have absolutely nothing to do with you, the birth or your body. You won’t know until he starts talking.
Don’t let it drag on. It sounds like it’s getting to you already. You sound lovely and really understanding but at some point you need to know where you stand.

Molly2016 · 10/01/2020 14:34

Is he worried you might get pregnant again?
I know it put me off completely until I got my contraception sorted.

Winter2020 · 10/01/2020 14:34

could he be afraid of making you pregnant again - either because of birth trauma or the cost/responsibilities of being a parent? Has becoming parents led to him becoming the sole provider and financial stress?

Disfordarkchocolate · 10/01/2020 14:34

I'm sure my husband was traumatized by my emergency c-section. I was drugged up and anaesthetized. He saw me pass out with pain, vomit, witnessed the massive blood spurt across the room and the wait for a consultant to deal with the problem. I remember strange rummaging and hearing how much the baby weighed. I'd also told me that if anything went wrong it was 'baby first' he would have opted for 'wife first'. It didn't affect our sex life but he was very shaken by it all. Hardly surprising really.

Has he tried counselling ?

KaptenKrusty · 10/01/2020 15:20

I have a close male friend who got very down after the birth of his baby and behaved similarly - he ended up on anti depressants for a time - things are all well again.

He found being the sole earner hard and felt a lot of pressure to be better at providing for the baby & wife - he started feeling that he wasn't doing enough / earning enough - then lack of sleep etc all came to a head and he had a bad patch.

Definitely need to have a proper chat with him and make sure he is doing ok and get to the bottom of this

Notthebloodygym · 10/01/2020 15:31

I would insist on joint counselling.

NaviSprite · 10/01/2020 16:07

I second the advice given by many PP's here, it could be the trauma of being the witness to the birth, or it could be exhaustion (mental, physical or both) that are killing his libido.

My DH was very much the same after my twins were delivered by emergency c-section, they were premature and really low birth weight. I could only think of my reaction to the whole situation for months after my twins were released from NICU (after a 4 month stay there) and it wasn't until they got to roughly 10 months old that I started coming out of my own mental haze following all the difficulties that I stopped and asked him how all of it had made him feel. I could go into a stupid amount of detail but that will probably read like a Novella so suffice to say, encouraging my DH to open up about it all really helped our relationship in many ways.

He had been keeping it to himself for so long because he didn't feel his experience came close to mine in comparison and as I was 'getting on with it' so should he, in fact he moreso because he didn't have the physical recovery to endure, he wasn't living in the NICU ward for 4 months desperately trying to pump whatever milk that could be eked out.. it took a few attempts to get him to really talk about it, with a lot of assurances from me that I wasn't looking for comparison between our experiences, rather what it was from his side of the experience (if that makes any sense?).

I look at it this way, whilst we shared the experiences as a family and a couple they are still two separate stories, two roads that eventually met and merged back into one after we started communicating again properly, that's okay, so I convinced him with this rather poor analogy to speak to me openly (because he was also afraid of any backlash from me). If you don't feel you can get through to your DH in this way then maybe joint counselling is the way to go.

Good luck OP and I hope you find a resolution together.

ConfCall · 10/01/2020 16:11

I don’t think it has anything to do with your appearance OP. I think that your thread title is barking up the wrong tree.

I suspect unresolved and unconfronted “issues” around the birth, as others do. I’m sorry that he’s struggling and I’m sorry that you’re feeling low. He needs to seek help. Maybe jointly.

Original poster
LaBoda · 10/01/2020 16:15

Thank you everyone. Im glad I posted, very helpful advice.
It is probably more than one thing, as suggested.
Baby goes down at around 21:30 and doesnt wake up properly until 07:30. He does stir twice to be fed, but I overheard my husband tell a friend he stopped waking in the night a while ago. Turns out, he never hears him so thought he has stopped!
But, im sure he must be a bit tired, he loves his job and works hard at it.
Similar to darkchocolate, I was doped up during the c section and for two weeks after, so I can see how hubs may have experienced it all more lucidly than I did. It was a bit 'numb' for me. He is pretty great at dealing with things and never seeming phased, so I am always trying to get him to talk to me.
We will work it out together.
Thank you all.

OP posts:
midwest · 10/01/2020 16:19

I had a traumatic birth, DH ended up with clinical depression much to both of our surprises.
I agree it could well be several things together but your body doesn't sound like the main factor.

Epona1 · 10/01/2020 18:41

You seem to be missing the fact he was making excuses to not have sex before the birth of the baby.

OP, are you sure there isn’t someone else involved?