And I don't want to!
I have had 3 disastrous relationships pretty much in a row, in the last 10 years.
The first was a friendship that started to develop and then just didn't happen, I'd fallen pretty hard but kept it to myself thinking it was one of those crushes we all get from time to time, until he made moves and confessed feelings and then so did I. I don't really know what went wrong but it did and I lost a close friend, we are still friends but not in the same capacity. It was quite hard to navigate through at the time.
Second one was hot on the heels (yes, I know) I was needy and vulnerable and l walked into it with my eyes firmly shut to the red flags smacking me in the face. Predictably I ended up leaving an abusive man 2 years later with nothing. I had a good job, friends, a house and savings before. I accept my part in it and I was incredibly naive.
Third was about a year after that, pretty much fwb, and sort of fizzled out, had the potential to be more but I was hypersensitive to anything remotely negative, and in all honesty I don't think I was fair on him.
For 2 years now I've been on my own, and in the last year really sorted my head out and been genuinely happy not being in a relationship. I haven't even found anyone particularly attractive either, just wasn't really any interest. I could appreciate attractive men, but in the same way you like a pretty view I suppose!
A few months ago a new guy started at work, nice guy, I could appreciate he was attractive and got on ok with him and that was about it. Until about 2 weeks before Christmas when we were chatting about something and made eye contact and I had a 'Shit, I fancy you' moment. I've kind of ignored it and it worked until a social situation recently (alcohol involved) where we chatted as part of a larger group, got to know each other a bit better, nothing happened, not even a hint I don't think. But now I've realised I do actually like him, and I don't want to. I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to accidentally give myself away with unconscious behaviour, and make a fool out of myself. Or act on it and get rejected.
I have no plans to act on it, we're both single but I don't want to even feel this way, never mind contemplate being rejected or worse, not being rejected and having to try and trust someone intimately again.
I hope it's just a short lived crush, because I just want it to go away!