I wonder if any mums can lend some guidance... I met my husband 15 years ago this year (I’m now 38). I thought he was cute; he knew straight away he wanted to marry me. He was lovely, so kind, funny and understood me, good looking... a nice guy. We broke up for some months a decade ago when I wanted to sort my head out - he started studying later in life and our lives became very different. I’ve always been sociable and he has had few if any friends - people like him a lot, but he makes no effort to maintain friendships. In those months apart I met an older guy who I found fascinating and opened my world to my people and interest. But I left him and returned to my now husband - I knew he’d make a wonderful dad and we married six years ago and have two wonderful children. Naturally as two working and financially struggling parents with young children we are constantly tired.
The thing is, I am feeling so frustrated. Everything we ever do together has been organised by me (unless a trip to the in-laws). He instigates nothing. He’s completely absorbed in his workload and can’t really see beyond it. I had to partially give up an amazing career to be a mum and do my best cramming in as much self-employed work around childcare. My husband is very negative and gets very stressed and angry as a result of his workload and tiredness. Life has become a real grind and now in 2020 I find myself depressed and not sleeping and wondering what to do.
So here’s the spanner. A couple of months back, while helping my friend through bad depression I met his best friend - a guy 17 years older than me, who is living in a shared house after his long-term partner split up with him - who I fell instantly in love with. When we look at each other there’s obvious chemistry. Nothing has happened with this guy, but he shares my love of culture and is incredibly interesting. We’ve been to the pub, we’ve seen a movie... we text every day. The intensity of my feelings is way beyond the feelings I ever had for my younger husband. I love my husband dearly but as family - I don’t feel a spark intellectually and only moderately physically after this tiring period for us both, and I’ve had years of zero effort and negativity. I don’t know whether I am using this new guy as an escape route. I really really don’t want to upset anyone and I had no intention of creating a broken home - I’m the child of divorcees and it wasn’t fun. I can just get on with it and be the best mother and wife as things are. But if I carry on in an unfulfilling relationship, I guess I’ll never be loving someone to the full and actually being in love... Worth mentioning that I know this guy I’ve fallen for likes me but he knows I am married and has been going through a lot of stuff of his own lately - so it might well not be a good thing for him either. Help.