Has anyone managed to co parent and be friendly after their OH/DP/DH had an affair

[nameynamerson2018]

Just that really.

Oh had a 2 year long, physical affair that I discovered 2.5 years ago. I subsequently found numerous shorter emotional affairs throughout our relationship.

This knowledge still destroys me and I think about it often. My self confidence is at an all time low and I cannot be intimate with him. I know we have no future.

Before we were together, we were best friends for a really long time. I'd like to think an element of that still exists and, I'm probably being incredibly naive, I would ideally like to split amicably and cohabit and coparent. For the short term at least. We have 3 dcs. The eldest is 11 and youngest is 6. They're great kids and I want minimal fallout for them.

Please tell me someone has managed this!

It may work for a while but it must make sense for both of you.
Cohabiting while separated can get complicated if/when people start to date. How would you deal with that?

I know lots of people that manage it fairly well. They’ll be bumps in the road of course.

Communication is key and reaching amicable decisions with children being the main priority of course x

I've no plans to date for a loooong while! And I don't care if he does. Saying that makes me sad, but I just don't care where he puts his dick as long as it isn't near me.

I only plan for this to be short term, definitely don't expect him to still be under my roof when/if the youngest goes to uni!! 😂

Not here , no. No co-parenting. More counter-parenting.

Communication.... yes, that's a potential issue. He's very defence attack when he's had a drink. He accuses me of cheating, undermining him at work (family business - hoping that doesn't put me), anything and everything. Alcohol makes him very argumentative and the aggressive pigeon he was during the affair.

@spongedog, can I ask why? I mean, I get it, but I feel like I'm past his affair now and we're only living as roommates / friends anyway. But I really want experience from both sides because I'm not sure he'd go for it initially

Why are you friends with someone who cheats on you and attacks you.
I mean I get you don’t want to be combative.
But you don’t have to be friends

Have you thought about why you really want to be friends still?

You can be great co-parents with someone and not be friends with them. He doesn't sound very nice OP, and has caused so much pain to you and your children. I don't think co-habiting is a good idea, it just won't work when your spilt, how are you going to sort out bills, childcare, cooking, cleaning etc.
He has no vested interest in the relationship anymore, who's to say he refuses to contribute and you get left doing all the childcare and housework, while he comes and go's (to his GF's) as he pleases and treats the place as a hotel. I know you're worried about your kids, but you need to put yourself first, so you can be the best mum to them. Have a clean break, own homes, no messy emotions, and then work to building a happier relationship as co parents.

He's spent his time since I found out, trying so hard to fix things. But I'm not interested. He has no gf (I'd be glad if he did).

I'd be quite happy continuing to split the house chores as they are. He pulls his weight and I'm happy with the status quo.

I've had intense therapy for social anxiety and depression this year and am going to work on my self confidence next apparently. Not sure if that's relevant, but I know I can come across as awkward or not listening, so maybe saying it as more of an explanation/ apology?

Myself and my exdh co parent extremely well but i am not his friend and never will be after how he treated me. We split 4 years ago and eventually divorced after the discovery of his affair, it helps that there is 150 miles distance between us and its taken a long time to not feel physically sick in his presence. I am very happy with my new life and am still single, our 3 dc see their dad eow, sometimes from my house for the weekend and although it was tricky having him in my safe space and im still not particularly keen, it shows the boys that their dad is welcome in both their homes. I think the turning point for me came a year ago when he actually sat and listened to me tell him precisely what i thought of him and his behaviour and the pain it caused everybody and although i would never forgive i could look past it for the boys. Communication since then has been extremely good, i do make most of the decisions, but we support and back up eachother with the boys, we do both come from similar families and have similar values and a united front works very well with the dc. In the end we have a lifetime of seeing and chatting to each other at various events and i do not wish the boys to have to worry about a seating plan at their wedding. (i also think it secretly unnerves him that i and my family are extremely polite and welcoming, considering our circumstances. Hes terrified of my sisters!)

My friends split after her DH had an affair and co parent their 4 year old DS really well. It's been two years anyway. But she just stopped caring when the affair was discovered and the marriage was dead and her XH hasn't been stupid enough to introduce their DS to a new partner or the OW so the situation hasn't become inflamed. They get along well and attend stuff together with their son. But the marriage has to be dead for both parties.

Dps ex had an affair. He agreed to try again as he wanted to keep the family together for the children. He caught her in his bed with the same guy 18 months later. They manage to co-parent fairly well. I think the guy is both parties putting their egos aside and focusing on the children rather than their own feelings.