Cant stop seeing my ex

[AlrightyyThen]

Me and my ex broke up about 8 months ago because of external circumstances. Not problems with each other.

We've not been able to stop seeing each other or acting like we're still completely in a relationship and have been in touch every single day. But he maintains that we have to stay apart and that it will never work. Neither of us has been with another person since the breakup and the thought makes me feel sick.

I'm a SAHP (kids aren't his) and he is in uni and wants to focus on a big career which includes travelling a bit. I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic and would be happy to move to where he is and do anything to make things work. But obviously won't while he's saying it needs to end.

We're both still in love with each other and are really struggling to stay apart/away from each other even though we live hours apart. We've jumped in the car and drove for hours at silly times to be with each other.

But then like clockwork we have "the talk" where he reminds me that logically there's no future for us and i try to stop contact but always give in (within hours). I've even asked him to block me but we're finding it impossible. We both have bad impulse control and i have mental health problems that include not being able to control myself sometimes.

Neither of us really have "other friends" so every time we have a problem we want each other for support. I wish we could just be together and i can't come to terms with it.

Sorry that was so long, is there any advice?

What is the issue that's keeping you apart?

Tbh OP, I think while ever you're still acting like you're a couple, your ex has no reason for you to get back together 'officially'. From the sounds of it, he's keeping you dangling while he can and it sounds like he's going to up and leave when he feels the need.

I know that sounds harsh but I think you should go no contact with him. From your post, it sounds very much like you want him more. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, he would be. At the moment, he's getting all the benefits of a relationship with none of the responsibilities. Cut him out because it will only be harder later on.

'Can't stop seeing my ex'.

Yes you can, but you are choosing not to. Meanwhile, he has his cake and eats it too. He is stringing you along Im afraid.

You say that you would move anywhere the what about your kids?

If you broke up because he went to uni and wants to travel he wants to live like a student and sleep around and be free. I think he's stringing you on I'm afraid...

Cut him off and focus on you, in time you will find someone better suited to you and your needs who wants to put in the same amount of effort as you, I promise

There's family problems. I've had a big, very serious falling out with one of his siblings, he also has issues with their partner so no-one can be around each other (they can only spend time together without partners around). Plus the constant grief.

And the main thing i think is that he has a vision of being a city business man and all his financial plans etc are very based on moving about or being able to apartment share and stuff. He's a few years younger and had planned to settle down and have kids when he was in his 30's. If i waited until then i probably wouldn't be capable of getting pregnant again.

I don't think it's anything to do with women and sleeping around, he doesn't seem interested in that. More like the fact that i have kids and can't move about freely a lot. My life as it is just doesn't fit in with his plans. I think if i wasn't a parent and was in uni too things would be different. However he does love the kids to bits, spoils them and spends time with them.

If i moved i would take the kids, we haven't really any ties here and my mental health is awful living where i am (due to a traumatic event). So i would happily make a move into the city while they're young. But it would be unfair to constantly move them around and around.

Cut him out because it will only be harder later on
This is what i want to do for my sanity but my heart breaks every time i try

I agree you need to cut him out. There's nothing in this for you at the moment. It will only end badly.

I think he'd got his whole life planned in his head before we met and a timeline of what he's doing and when. I kind of put a kink in his timeline, like an anomaly that he's trying to smooth out and get back on track. But can't seem to let go of me.

Where as i just "go with the flow" and see where life takes me because i know that often, things don't quite work out so in my mind i keep thinking "if we compromise it could work".

To be honest we should have never got together in the first place but we really struggle to stay away from each other.

You're at different stages of life and the age, future kids I'd a big issue.

You need to cut the cord.

Have you considered counselling to help you through this time? I really feel for you in this situation. Families can be a nightmare.

He hasn't even graduated yet - the world is his oyster, he has ambition and even if it doesn't work out for him, he wants to go as far he can, see the world - and good for him, why shouldn't he?
He does not want to be saddled with somebody else's children. Cruel but true; you are a millstone that he doesn't need.
I'm guessing that this might have figured in the row with his brother?
Time to move on and retain some dignity.

But then like clockwork we have "the talk" where he reminds me that logically there's no future for us and i try to stop contact but always give in (within hours)

It’s really cruel of him to keep saying that to you then continuing to see you. I’m sorry but it sounds like you don’t feature in his long term plans. Be careful as one day I expect he’ll turn his back on you, leaving you heartbroken.

Does anyone have any advice on how to move on? It feels impossible right now.

It also feels like noone will ever want me because I’m just a burden on a life they could have, as long as I’m not around

You need to prioritise your MH and currently you are not doing so.

External factors didn’t end your relationship, his desire not to work through those issues is why he’s ended your relationship.

You aren’t a hopeless romantic, you’re lonely and don’t have much going on in your life and your clinging to a momentary bright spot that has long since lost its brightness.

You can end this and you should but instead, are choosing not to, which is your prerogative but it will hurt much more deeply when he finds a more compatible option.

You have kids. If you want to relocate donut for your and your children's life, not chasing a younger man who isn't ready to settle down. Wish him well and go no contact with him so you can start to feel better. I'm recently separated and know just how hard it is and I also have kids and they need my time and attention more than wasting it drawing out a relationship that is over.

I know you're all right, but i'm really struggling.

Part of my MH is BPD and this feels like the end of the world. I'm trying to reassure myself and just focus on being the best mother i can be but can't handle the rejection.

Maybe it's even a little bit of ego, that i can't understand why he doesn't love me like i love him... when i believed that he did

And obviously every time he gets in touch or says he misses me etc, my world lights up a little bit and i get false hope

Hi Alrightyy- look up separation anxiety. Also be aware - he may not cut contact as he can come to you any time he wants.
I think there is a 30 day no contact thread.
It does stop you moving on too in whatever shape that looks like to you.
It also probably seems a little exciting too for you both.
I wish you well.

Hello @AlrightyyThen

I also have BPD, and I have just gone through a breakup where I have found it majorly hard to cut contact.

I have found the way I got through NC (which lasted 3 months!) was to really harness my angry stages. BPD rage is quite good for that! During those times I would write texts I really wanted to send him, save them in my notes and wait an hour - I never sent them after calming down.

It also helped to envisage him rolling his eyes receiving my texts. You know, a person can pretty much saying anything in a given moment - and it is likely true that he loves you - but as PP say, there must be a part of him that is unwilling, unable or uninspired to work through the issues - so, unfortunately, he should have no contact from you.

He misses you, he loves you - but, it seems not quite enough to do anything to remove those negative feelings permanently - by getting you back.

The relationship you have with this man is very common with people with BPD. We all think we are the exception to the rule - we all think our love is the greatest, the most passionate, that we are "soulmates" - but, you two are not the exception, you are playing out the toxic dynamic of codependency. That is not love.

Neither of us really have "other friends" so every time we have a problem we want each other for support

I would suggest you put a lot of your attention towards building a support network. Join ParkRun. Join groups. Even a BPD support group.

I also went to a CoDa meeting (codependency like AA). That might be of benefit.

what a head fuck he is... he's draining the life of out you OP... and using you emotionally and physically, I assume when you meet you're having Sex ? so he's having all the benefits of a relationship without any effort of the relationship...

Oh op. This is so sad. I think you’re seeing this as lost love that can find it’s way.

Whereas the reality is lots of people don’t end up together for a myriad of reasons.

This is one of those circumstances. And I fear he feels slightly differently to you. He may well love you, but he’s managed to compartmentalise that. You are not in his future vision.
So him being so loving towards you is actually quite cruel,

You need to block and delete now. Move forward with your life. The mixed messages are just that, mixed messages.