Has anyone got back in contact with family after being NC for a while?

[viccat]

I've not had any contact with my mother for coming up to two years now... We always had a strange relationship, I've now lived abroad for 15 years and only seen her a handful of times in that time but she used to call me several times a week and send post etc. I've always found her massively overbearing and I don't really like chatting to people on the phone in general, but she used to call me and expect to chat for 30 minutes up to an hour at any time she wanted to, even if I said it's not a good time.

I didn't plan to go no contact with her but after a particularly stressful week when she kept calling me and I didn't want to chat, I texted her to say "Please don't call me again." and she didn't... ever. Prior to that there had been a few times I had said I didn't want to tell her things because she was so judgmental, and I had also said I wouldn't always answer the phone if I didn't feel like it.

She's sent a couple of postcards in the past two years with just a brief note, the most recent from a holiday she was on in November. It just literally said "I'm on holiday in X with Y, will be back home [date], best wishes, Mum". A card she would send if we were talking all the time, so it was strange.

I'm an only child with no other family and occasionally feel really guilty that I don't speak to her anymore... She's in her mid 70s and I'm also aware she won't be around forever (obviously).

The thing is, our relationship was never based on honesty. I remember lying to her about small things even as a child, and as an adult I always kept many things from her. She's very critical, very much a "my way or no way" person and would always endlessly judge all my choices, however small. If I said I bought a navy jacket she would ask why not a black one, when I cut my hair short she asked why on earth would I do that... that sort of a thing... And it's SUCH a relief not having to talk to her. I've had a tough time in general all through last year and wouldn't have told her about it all anyway.

But... she's the only family I have and one day it will be too late... I've been thinking recently maybe I should get back in touch but try to assert my boundaries more clearly? Maybe say we can do Skype a couple of times a month but sorry, I won't answer the landline for a long chat if it's not convenient. Or write to her but not call.

It feels like opening the Pandora's box again, though.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do? How was it?

Hi OP

I understand totally. (I am NC for a decade)
If you are only going to get back in touch out of guilt, please be very careful.

I think the idea of putting boundaries in place is good if you do go ahead, given her reaction last time (Adhering to the boundary) this may work. Itll clearly not add much to your life though, but work to clear the guilt.

I do almost feel a little bad for your mum though, with no other family and you living abroad. If her only faults are being a nosey judgemental pain (Please do correct me!) It does seem a bit of a shame.

It's hard to explain exactly why I've always found her so hard to deal with. I wouldn't describe her as emotionally abusive as such but definitely controlling, and like she struggled to think of me and her as two separate people, if that makes sense. It was even more obvious because we didn't live with my father until I was 11, so it was just us a lot of the time (mum was my father's "other woman" when they first got together and had me - long story, his first wife was terminally ill at the time etc...) I've had a lot of therapy over the years and understand why she is the way she is, though, and I try not to blame her for how things were.

Living away from her definitely helped but I think over the years it got a point I didn't feel I got anything out of talking to her or visiting her, it was a chore. I often thought if she wasn't my mother, I wouldn't particularly like her as a person. She has some quite racist and homophobic views for example.

While I've lived away, our relationship was mainly conducted by phone, but rather than ever being a nice, relaxing chat, she would always call when I was in the middle of something (think 8:45pm on a weeknight when I'd been at work all day) and criticise everything I said. Or she would tell me about other people we both know and criticise them.

The guilt factor is definitely high because I'm an only child. I so wish I wasn't! She's also an only child and ironically I don't think she was always very nice to her own mother.

If i were you i would keep it low contact. Written cards for birthdays, maybe some flowers. Cards for xmas and mothers day etc.

If you dont like her, dont feel pushed to be with her or engage.

Google enmeshment, if you havent already.

I am an only child, very similar position.... I have been no contact for 25 years. Every 5/6 years have broken that & made contact... Regretted it every time.
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