Hi, I was going to post this under mental health but I actually think it's more of a relationship issue. I sometimes have these thoughts that come unbidden such as 'what if I am only in this relationship because I like the security/it's easy' etc etc and then I feel bad for thinking this way. There is such a thin line between 'Am I only doing this because X' (doesn't make me feel guilty to question) and 'I am only doing this because X' (makes me feel terribly guilty as it's like a statement of truth that has come into my head).
Sorry if that makes no sense, but I am feeling really anxious to be having these negative thoughts. Sometimes I get a strong sense of wanting to run away and start my life again anew, then literally minutes later I will be sitting with DP on the sofa watching something on TV, or at a restaurant with him, or whatever it may be, and I will think 'how lovely this all is and how lucky I am to have such a gorgeous man.'
I try not to vocalise these ups and downs in my moods and the absolute wavering that goes in my head because I know it would probably be deemed emotionally abusive to do so (basically me blowing hot and cold?) but then I feel mental and dishonest, like I have all these wild thoughts going on in my head and I just blandly stare ahead and can't discuss them.
Anyone else feel like this? I just feel like I want a blank mind, I'm so sick of living in this way, letting my moods blow me from one resolution to the next. This is why I feel I should be forever alone so as not to inflict myself on anyone. I was convinced earlier this year I was going to leave DP and move country, told my mum all about it - and now I don't want to do this but am guilty, imagining him telling his mum that he was going to run away... it seems absurd. And yet it's the sort of thing I say to my mum.