ExH domestic violence in new relationship and risk to DC

[SomeonesRealName]

Hello everyone.

Looking for advice about how to handle my concerns about DC's safety at dad's.

Apparently XH was arrested over Christmas for domestic violence and I had a call from social services to let me know it was the third occasion.

DC wasn't there when it happened but knowing XH and in the aftermath of his partner involving the police I can imagine things are tense in the house and I wouldn't put it past XH to be violent in front of DC.

Just wondering if I should say anything to DC (age 7) and if so what, or if we just continue as though nothing has happened.

I haven't seen DC since I got the call yesterday and I don't know what to do. Social services advice was that I should talk with XH about how we safeguard DC, given our shared responsibility for his welfare - but I'm not sure how that could possibly go well - I'd probably get a load of abuse myself!

No prospect of changing contact arrangements as DC hasn't been exposed to any DV as far as we know and contact arrangements have been in place and settled for 6 years.

Thanks in advance... maybe I just want sympathy!

I think you should get legal advice regarding this. In cases of proven violence (and there have been three police incidents and social work involvement) supervised contact may be recommended. That's certainly what I would push for given the details, as he sounds dangerous and abuse isn't just about physical violence.

You could contact Rights of Women who give free legal advice or try the Family Law Panel who have some solicitors trained in domestic abuse (which is recommended when dealing with abusers). They offer a free initial hour and reduced fees if you earn under a certain amount but check first!

You're in quite a bind being asked to sort it out with the abuser and I really feel for you. Get advice on this. You could also call Gingerbread for more information and their website is very comprehensive.

I know 7 is very young but could your dc have a basic phone to take with him? If he needs you he can ring.

Thanks @12345kbm I've made an appointment to speak to a solicitor in the morning, it's someone from Family Law Panel. There might be nothing I can do but at least I'll know for sure.

@Whynosnowyet that's a good idea, I'll look into it.

Thank you both.

It's such a weird idea that as long as children aren't present at the pressure points where domestic abuse escalates to the point where someone has to call the police, it's ok.

I haven't seen DC since I got the call yesterday and I don't know what to do. Social services advice was that I should talk with XH about how we safeguard DC, given our shared responsibility for his welfare - but I'm not sure how that could possibly go well - I'd probably get a load of abuse myself!

That's shocking advice. They are expecting you to go and see a violent ex and confront him about domestic violence putting yourself at risk??? I'd put a formal complaint in about that one.
Your DC should never be exposed to this. I'd have a quiet word with your DC and ask if everything is ok at his dad's and if he feels safe there. Don't do nothing.

@madcatladyforever I know! They also said we could access therapeutic support for DC through school they must have been calling from a different decade if they think that's an option!

If he was arrested you should be able to get full custody of children and maybe allow visits in contact center. I would get my child out of that situation permanently

No problem, glad to help. I would also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (often just referred to as 'Women's Aid' here) for advice on being told to speak to a violent man about his abuse in order to 'safeguard' your child. I'm sure they'd be interested and could give you some advice on that: 0808 2000 247

This sounds so weird, I know I am paranoid, but are you sure it was social services who contacted you and not the ExH or a crony trying to get you to meet him? It's the sort of thing they do.

Social services normally try to keep children away from houses where there is domestic violence.

Were they basically saying to try to get him to agree to contact through a contact centre only or something? Surely that's their job, not yours, especially when it would endanger you?

Definitely get legal advice, and speak to Women's Aid as others have said.

Oh no it's a good point but i see him all the time for handover so he wouldn't need to do that.

Just to update, as suspected there is nothing I can do without evidence that DC is negatively affected. I do feel better for having got the advice rather than just making an assumption - but it's still a bugger of a pill to swallow. Thanks guys x