Have I done the right thing?

[Mumofone87]

Feeling a bit lost this morning. Last night I told DH I don’t think I’m happy anymore. I felt like I pulled the rug out from under his feet. He looked absolutely devastated. But I just don’t think this is what I want.

There is no massive backstory, yes we’ve had some issues, him not pulling his weight primarily, but since my last blow up (November) he has been trying more then ever. I just think I’ve had that conversation too many times but do I really want to break my marriage up because he doesn’t help out. I told him back then that I wasn’t sure I loved him any more. He’s my best friend and I do love him but as cliche as it sounds I just don’t think I am in love with him.

After our talk last night, he went out, which I totally get. He needed time to get his head straight. He did come back but we didn’t talk. I’ve barely slept, I’ll have to get my toddler up soon and get ready for work but I just feel like I’m going to break.

I just know I can’t take back what I said, but I could see from his face last night how much I’ve hurt him, I just don’t know what to do.

Don’t really know what I’m asking for here, he’s the person I usually would turn too for a bosie but I can’t :(

You bored in your marriage?
You really need to analyse why you're not happy.
Maybe not enough action somehow? Is it tedious?
If he does some good stuff but you just see the negatives he's probably hurt for sure.

If he is your best friend and you love him I think you can work things out. For me marriage went through different stages, sometimes I was madly in love/lust, other times I was happy in love, then just loved him as my best friend then it would all start again. I don’t think we are meant to be madly in love for the duration of a marriage. If the relationship isn’t abusive then I would work on things.

I agree with kezmum but I know posters will be along to tell you to LTB.

Can you be ‘in love’ consistently over a 10,20,30,40 year period?

Dh and I do go through cycles with each other but we both see each other in each other future enjoying life when the DC have grown up and moved on - I fact I think We both cling to that sometimes! I could have walked out just before Xmas but were back on track now!

If it’s not abusive it’s still salvageable. Sometimes the grass isn’t greener - I know this from family members who are still bitter they left.

Do you think you could be a little depressed? Having a toddler is hard and used to make me feel like I just wanted to escape the situation.

Would couples relationship counselling be something that you both concider?

I know people on here are all LTB over the slightest thing, but honestly if you're married and have a child/children then it's my opinion that unless the marriage is awful or abusive in some way or one if you has cheated, then you should try to work hard at it before throwing in the towel. It doesn't sound like it's any of those things right now? More that you are just fed up?

Me and DH have three children under four and pets, we come really quite far down in the pecking order of this house and it can be tough to feel 'in love' all the time, so I get it. I also do most of the housework and DH can get lazy about that if I don't remind him, so I get that too. But it sounds like your relationship can be worked on if you try to see the big picture and think back to why you are together in the first place.

Usually communication and maybe counselling are a good place to start.

I agree with the other people. I've been with DW 26 years and we've had good years and bad years together, but the key is we've been there for each other. I can also say this for a fact, there is not another person that I want to grow old with. DW, can drive me crazy sometimes, but she is the only person I know who can make me feel joyful, smile and brighten my day simply by smiling.
No you can't take back what you said, but honest communication is the rock of any relationship. He needs to know what you want, how you are feeling, and what you are thinking. He probably had an idea, but having an assumption is not the same as actually knowing what your partner is actually thinking, feeling, or wanting. But, you have to know what those things actually are first, and from your post you don't. Now you've dropped a bomb on him and it sounds like there are second thoughts. I would suggest as others have, counselling, and have a conversation when both of you are in a good place and try and figure out what you both want, and if there is a way for both of you to get there together as a couple.

I have read all your comments and I know our communication needs to improve, I just feel like it’s always me having to instigate it. Last night we talked for a few hours and still no where further forward as to what happens next. His answer was to leave for a few days and give me space, I said I think that would be the nail in the coffin for me, as I would realise I could do it on my own. I was absolutely breaking last night and he just sat there, I was met with a wall of silence and I don’t know how to fix this. I’ve told him it’s something we both need to fix. I don’t deal well with the silence and he knows this. I interpret the silence as him not caring and the reasonable part of me knows that’s not the case, he’s just not very good at expressing himself but when I’m reaching breaking point and he’s just sitting there it’s hard to see that.

Sounds like you need a weekend away from the house and the normal day to day stuff to try and work this out as a couple.

How long have you been together?

Maybe you have just fallen out of love and want different things in life?!? It happens.

6 years. We’ve tried to get away and spend time together, and as I say we get on well usually and we have fun, but don’t really get intimate. I feel over the past while I’ve just put up a wall, and I don’t know whether it’s just me trying to protect myself, but I don’t know how to stop it.

Men not pulling their weight is the main reason both my marriages broke down. I absolutely resented being left to do all the '"womens work" and childcare alone when I worked full time and was the main wage earner. I could cope with anything else but not that.
Why do men think it's OK to sit back and do nothing? We are in 2020 not 1820 any more.
In the end it was easier to go ito alone. Your husband has been told and he still isn't doing enough. You can't go on like that
I was happy to go on with my marriage despite falling out of love with him but the drudgery did it for me.
I can understand where you are coming from OP. They do step up after a row then as soon as they think it's safe they stop doing it.
My husbands wouldnt even mow the lawn or do DIY or keep the car on the road. I could not live like that.

Yes I got the wall of silence too.

That’s exactly it madcat! I work full time, as does he, I do all the household chores, I look after our finances, and he does very little. He’s a really good dad to our son, and he does a lot of the childcare when I do all the boring tasks.

I took on a full time degree alongside work in the summer and I made it explicitly clear that I expected him to help out more, and for a while he does and then it just slips back into the previous routine. I just can’t do it anymore, I am knackered, I am done in, and I’ve told him this. One of the things he said to me last night in response to this, is that he told me I take on too much sometimes. I don’t need him to tell me this, I know, I need him to step up.

Tell him that if you split up he will be expected to do 50/50 residency with your dc. So he had better shit or get off from the pot.