DD's friend committed suicide and she is in pieces

[astericia]

About a month ago a friend of DD's (17) too his own life. He was foreign, and on an extended exchange (6 months into a year long exchange), so although she hadn't known him long, the two were friendly through school and an extra-curricular activity they did together. He was staying with his host family at the time, huge sympathy for both them and his family back in his own country.

The school were excellent before the holidays and she was very supported, even though it was tough, and she seemed to be coping well. Unfortunately the break was extremely rough as I think she had time to reflect on what had actually happened. She isolated herself, would cry for hours, would not take, or eat with us, or scream and shout and then recoil into herself again. On a few occasions she would join us for a walk, but with watery smiles and a refusal to talk about what had happened.

School starts again tomorrow, and she is claiming she cannot go. I made a GP appointment, which she managed to cancel and is refusing professional help. Are there other avenues I can take? I worry about her own safety, and I want my bright little girl back. I was hoping there might be a service or something at the school the students would be able to partake in, but that appears to all be taking place abroad. Any advice welcome please. Am at wits end.

I do feel for your daughter, she is at an age where the enormity of her friend's suicide will impact her. It will just take time, she needs to grieve and process it all.

Ask her school if they have a counselling service or can recommend one for her. You can't force her to go back there though (I'm not saying you would), and I can understand how she feels about it. If she doesn't return, maybe she can repeat her year at a sixth form college which will be quite a different experience to school. It's worth thinking about.

Mostly though, just give her lots of love, take car of her, listen but don't question and she will gradually come out of this.

You sound like a great mum.

Apologies if you have tried this, but would she like a journal to write in, get her thoughts out on paper? Might help her to deal with it all?

Is there an online counsellor she might feel happier contacting/ messaging if she doesn't want to meet the GP face to face?

Could you ask the school if they are arranging a service or could you ask the local church to hold a service?

for you all xo

So sorry about this OP. It's so frightening trying to deal with suicide.
Might I suggest Winston's Wish. They specialise in bereavement with children and young people and have specific advice about suicide.
As a parent I had occasion to use them and they were absolutely brilliant - giving me clear advice about supporting my child.
www.winstonswish.org/
The other group I rate is Young Minds who again can give specific advice re suicide.
youngminds.org.uk/find-help/feelings-and-symptoms/suicidal-feelings/

Young people may be more comfortable seeking support online than face to face- I work with young people and Kooth is highly recommended.

How awful

She will talk to you when she's ready I'm sure. At the moment it must just feel too raw and overwhelming for her to talk about.

Grief is a real rollercoaster of emotion and sometimes all you can do is to be a background comforting presence until they're ready.

Thank you all, I feel the online support might really help.
A few of the older students that knew him and were members of their shared interest arranged a meal before the term ended, which she went to and seemed to really enjoy, she liked spending time with others who understood and she could talk to. I am hoping she can maintain this bond once she is feeling stronger as I really feel that them spending time together was really beneficial.

Will speak to school about service, they were both also involved in a musical theatre production so I'm hoping there will be a tribute included in that. There has otherwise not been much said, which is heartbreaking in itself, she said there were no social media posts or anything and seems upset that everyone else could move on so quickly. Googling his name only showed the date of his inquest.

This happened to me.

I was 17.

The first 6 months were horrendous. I cried every day smoked loads was totally lost. My gp at the time was amazing and personally counselled me. Counselling really helped.

For me it was enormous. First bereavement. Brutal. And suicide is violent.

Give her lots of hugs, talk about how bereavement has been for you, don’t minimise her feelings, if you can reassure her that she won’t always feel this way (this is vital but aware for her it might seem like minimising). Give her time, she will be fine. How she is reacting is normal. Grieving is horrendous, but it’s part of life.

Xx

There are no short cuts with suicide. It's not like any other bereavement and it will keep on hitting her. I've heard it described as a bomb going off and that was how it was and is for us when we lost a friend. It's more than two years and my ears still ring with it. Give her time. She needs it.

Here are my tips.

Listen, just listen, recall the young person if you knew them. Run her anywhere she needs to be to be with people who knew her friend. Be prepared to pick her up at stupid o clock at weekends, be prepared for them to sleep on hard floors just to be with each other.

You are needed to be both invisible and visible.

She will eat, just not with you, fill the fridge with stuff that takes zero effort for her,in my sons case it was the following.

Garlic bread, though turning on the oven was some times too much effort.

Though it went to my heart to pay for pre packed fruit, do it, they can see fruit and they can see minimal effort.

Homemade sausage rolls.

Sushi from Sainsburys ( I stopped looking at the price and just ended up grabbing and wincing )

Chorizo

Salami

Mini bahjis and yogurt

A scone from the bakery section, it is one scone in splendid isolation if you make a batch it looks like pressure.

Small bottles of water, walking to the tap is too much trouble.

Keep an eye on school they will profess to get it and then try and hammer them back into their pegs within weeks.

My heart is breaking for your daughter, let her go for now she will be back and in her own time she will talk, in my sons case it took nearly a year to talk and four years on he is still not "fixed"

I am so sorry for your dd,
Could this help?
uksobs.org/we-can-help/services-for-under-18s/

Oh and most important, grief is not linear, every time you think you have a handle on it, she will throw you a curveball.

Sending you love and strength.

What a horrendous experience for your DD, i am so sorry.

Does she have a favourite auntie, or a grandparent she trusts? Teenagers sometimes find it easier to talk about deep stuff with more distant relatives than with their parents. At her age, I would have sought my auntie.

My best wishes for you and her, you sound like an amazing mum.