Anxious AND Avoidant - help!!!

[GertieBell]

I have had a series of disasterous relationships and I’m having personal counselling to help me through this and to stop making the same mistakes.

In learning about myself I have discovered that I have an Anxious-Avoidant attachment style, which is a terrible combination of both Anxious and Avoidant attachment. It means that I desperately want to be close to someone but when that happens I fear the emotional and physical intimacy that comes with it. Especially the emotional intimacy.

Does anyone else have an Anxious-Avoidant style and did you make any inroads to recovery? Have you had a fulfilling relationship since working things out?

I’d really appreciate people’s thoughts and experiences. Thanks.

Has anyone experienced this? Thanks

No helpful advice but sounds so like me.. so I'm following if that's ok..

Single 11 years & starting to really believe as well as choosing a few wrongs ones it's probably me who sabotages things x

Thanks for replying Dilly. In my case I seem to go for emotionally distant men who aren’t going to demand emotional intimacy from me but they never want to get as close as I would like. I know that sounds contradictory! On the rare occasion that a guy has turned around and been interested back, it has ultimately pushed me away.

I need to be less ‘Anxious’ when I’m attracted to someone.
I need to be less ‘Avoidant’ if that person reciprocates my feelings.
I need to stop falling only for ‘Avoidant’ men.

Arghhh!

I'm like this. It's a bloody curse, it really is. Been single for about 15 years and dated some really nasty pieces of work in that time.

That's me! In fact, it was a big relief to find out that there is a name for what I am! I married an emotionally unavailable person, because that was all I could handle. Now I'm separating and I have NO CLUE how a healthy relationship works, or how to be intimate. Probably will stay single for a while. And have therapy.

Una, I’m sorry hear you’re experiencing the same. Have you got any tips for me? Do you think you have made progress?

bringon2020, I feel the same. The thing that gives me home is that Anxiety and Avoidance must be on a spectrum. Let’s say a Secure person is 15% Anxious, 15% Avoidant and 70% Secure. I think I’m 45% Anxious, 40% Avoidant, 15% Secure. So if I can just move the Anxious and Avoidant elements down the spectrum then maybe everything will be OK! Perhaps by working on increasing Secure??

Totally relate to this ... I've been chasing the same emotionally unavailable man for nearly 7 years... he is damaged by a tough childhood & is also a cocaine addict probably due to his childhood too.. we tried having a relationship 3 times each time he lets me in a little then shuts down.. I'm scared to push him further so he takes that as I don't care.. I want to move on from him but I can't.. if anyone is nice to me & is keen it puts me right off!! I can't take compliments in fact they send me running!! I want a nice guy, I deserve a nice guy but they bore me.. I know that says more about me than it does about them & I wish I could work out what?!!