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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship advice please

7 replies

assss7 · 07/01/2020 14:53

Hi,

apologies for what will be a long post,

been with partner 16 years 2 children 15 & 12 my issue is i no longer feel like i am in love with him, i dont know how to explain it but i feel nothing for him. He is a mostly good man works hard, adores me and the children he helps around the house i shouldn't really be complaining but everything he does really irritates me, he is very full on and affectionate tells me he loves me 20 times a day says lots of lovely things about me but i just find it too much and irritating, he constantly asks for sex and gets very moody if i refuse to have it (he wants it 4-5 times a week) it has got to a point where i am repulsed by the idea i do give in and have sex just to make him happy but i do not enjoy it. He is quite possessive always wants to know what im doing
where im going how long im going to be etc, cant stand me talking to males (other than his friends) let alone being friends with them i work in a male orientated environment and this has caused no end of arguments as he thinks im having an affair with any man i talk to he cant understand that i could have a man as a friend. He can also get very angry at times he lost it on a family holiday recently and started to shout and berate me in front of a full swimming pool of people, there have been many occasions where he has acted like this towards me and the children. i have told him how i'm feeling several times before and it came to a head a couple of weeks before Christmas as i had just got to the point where i couldn't keep up the act any longer.
He is crushed and i feel terrible he has not taken it well at all says he cant live without me saying all sorts of things to make me feel guilty,
suicide has been threatened, he is saying i am not in my right mind that i do love him and i just cant see it but im pretty sure i know my own mind! he is making me question myself though in the past i have always rolled over when we have fallen out but i have said to him i cant keep doing that as it is making me more unhappy and i think that where the resentment has come from in the first place always giving in? i have asked him to leave but he refuses the house is in my name but he says im the one that wants to split so i should leave which is a fair point but i do not have the funds to be able to rent out another property it would take me some time to save up for that as he is the main breadwinner earning double my salary. also i feel soooo guilty on my children as having their dad around is all they have ever known and being teenagers i dont think they would take it very well arghhh its all such a mess i am just wanting any sort of advice as to where to go from here??

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 07/01/2020 15:03

He's not a good man, he's an abusive man.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

It's not a good thing that his abuse has been your children's "normal" their whole lives. This is your opportunity to rectify that.

Relationship advice please
unbaffled · 07/01/2020 15:07

He is an abusive man and a sex pest.

He is now trying to guilt-trip you and make you think that his unacceptable behaviour is your fault.

MalusDacus · 07/01/2020 15:35

You're right the children won't take it easy, you should talk to them about your relationship with your husband is not working and allow them to ask you as many questions they need to. You can go with them to therapy because is the age when everything can go wrong and it can affect them mentally and their behaviour.
You can not live that way especially if nothing can be done in saving the marriage.
Everyone deserves to be happy including yourself. Good luck!

12345kbm · 07/01/2020 15:38

Contact Gingerbread for advice on life as a single parent.
The Family Law Panel has a search facility where you can find a solicitor trained in abusive relationships. They have a scheme where some offer cheaper fees for those earning under a certain amount and offer an hour free advice.

Take a look at the CABx website for advice on separation and divorce.

Contact your local DV organisation for counselling or other local resources. Ask about a safety plan to exit the relationship at minimum risk.

Don't feel guilty about cutting abuse out of children's lives.

unbaffled · 07/01/2020 15:41

It is not just you he is abusing, he is doing it to the children too.

BorissGiantJohnson · 07/01/2020 15:49

It's your house, he has to leave. Get some legal advice.

DesertRoza · 10/01/2020 01:10

Hello! I read your post, and first let me say that im so sorry you're going through all of this, for so long. I too know what its like to have a man be very jealous like you explained. Id like to reach out and be a source of support for you, if you need it. I can be a listening ear, someone to vent to, i can pray for you, and offer you support and encouragement. etc. If you'd like to share private messages.

The suicide issue, to me IMO, is a way of controlling you, and, to make you feel so guilty, that youll want to come back to him. This is not a good sign. If you dont mind sharing, and its totally up to you; has he been diagnosed with any mental illness? Really, im not trying to offend you/or him; just trying to help you with insight.

Hope to hear back from you : )
DesertRoza

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