My partners accusations!

[cleopatra93]

So I used to be really good friends with this girl we did everything together she was great with my kids and we really just got along she was my best friend she is also a lesbian and was in a relationship with a female before I met her. We were only ever and will only ever be friends as I'm not into women and she's not into me we're just friends!! (Sorry feel like I had to make that clear even though it doesn't need to be like that)

Anyway! Over a year ago she broke off her relationship with the girl she was with when we met as she was abusive and cheated on her (good riddance) and met somebody else who was lovely inside and out I was sooooo happy for her! But we stopped seeing each other because she was always busy with her new girlfriend (we live 10mins drive from eachother) i offered to come to her but she never had time. It was just the typical in a new relationship I wanna spend every minute with them. So we have drifted apart because it's so hard making any plans with her as she takes 5-7 working days to reply to a text and she taken even longer checking her diary to see when she can squeeze me in yes it pisses me off as you can be in love and happy and still have friends but that's another story!

Anyway my partner has never really liked our friendship and has always made remarks about the fact she is a lesbian and she probably fancies me (she's doesnt were just two females in a friendship)! When we started to speak and see eachother less due to her new relationship my partner was convinced that it was because we were having a fling and now she's got someone it's caused us tension ! I've obviously told him he's crazy and pathetic but it didn't really matter because I never saw her anymore. But just recently she has asked me to go out to lunch to catch up so I'm going I've told my partner and he's instantly gone very very quiet with me and snappy and I know why ! He isn't normally like this and he isn't a controlling person so he will never say I couldn't go (I wouldn't listen anyway) but he will tell me doesn't like it by the way he carries himself and talks to me !

I'm absolutely sick of it and I want to squash this bullshit once and for all as it's not fair on me to have my partner make me feel awkward about going to see my friend because he thinks I'm doing something with her !!

How do I stop this ? He's not like it with any of my other friends or even my male friends it's just her he doesn't like. He's not homophobic either because he has a male friend that is gay ....????

Some people are absolutely not threatened by people of the same sex as them but are by people who can ‘provide something they can’t’ . (Quote from people I know who have said they would never date someone who is bisexual)

Regardless, you aren’t gay or bi and he has no reason to doubt you so his controlling behaviour - and the silent treatment IS controlling and abusive is unacceptable. How would he feel if you did that every time he went out with his gay friend?

He feels threatened .... theres something he feels uncomfortable with.

Two options really

Appease your husband....if he is not like this with other friends and is not homophobic then maybe let him.have this one and dont go. Shes hardly a good mate anyway, is it really worth upsetting your usually rational husband for ? She sounds like a user....cant be arsed....picks you up and drops you. Does your DH let you down like this? Priorities.

Secondly you could tell him you're going anyway and try and set his mind at rest.

You'll have many people here telling you hes controlling you, he's out of order but hes clearly got an issue and as his wife, you should make an effort to understand x

He either doesn’t trust you or is hoping to watch/have a threesome.

He 'isn't normally controlling'. Once is enough. He doesn't trust you is what it boils down to. And yes, perhaps he picks up a 'she likes my gf' vibe from your friend that you don't notice.

But even if she did, so what? He should know that you aren't interested or going to cheat on him. You certainly shouldn't have to have a discussion about this more than once.

Is he OK with your other friends/family?

Batqueen I would never have a problem with him going out with anyone ! If he cheats on me I would find out eventually anyway so carry on lol but no I've never felt anyway about him going out with his gay friend and he sure wouldn't like it xx

It's hard once you've got something in your head to let it go. As you said, he isn't co trolling just having a hard time with this. Sometimes they happens and that's ok, people cant always help how they feel even if they know it's silly. Also mayne he picked up on something from her that you didnt.

Mamato3lads

I agree she's a user and I'm really mad with her with how she's just dropped me as a friend because she's in a relationship that's just childish. And when we meet it is because I wanna confront these issues and basically say how I feel and how shitty she's been and I'm literally only going to the local cafe which is 5 mins walk from my front door. I'm not going to not go because he doesn't like it because there's no reason for it. I'd understand if I was bisexual and if something had happened between us but non of that is true so I'm not going to let him tell me what I can and can't do. And for the record he hasn't actually told me I can't go meet her he's just being funny lol

Op I would maybe use that as an example to show him how ridiculous he is being! Ask him how he would feel if you were like this every time he went for a drink with his gay friend.

I can’t believe ANYONE thinks this is ok.

Pinkbonbon well I say isn't normally he isn't at all. He's never told me I can't do anything never he just will tell me how he feels about certain stuff and he hasn't said anything about me meeting her but I can tell by his body language and the way he is responding to me that he isn't happy about it which is causing a build up inside me and we are going to eventually argue a about it. I don't think she likes me I'm not her type at all and my partner should see that too. My best friend of 10 years in a tall strapping man who girls swoon over he should be more worried about him really but he isn't worried at all (good because he shouldn't be) me and this friend go shopping together, drinking together we go to cinemas alone he is never worried because he knows it isn't like that but with her it's very different but nothing has ever happened !!

Being funny or moody about it is controlling
He's showing you that he isn't happy so you'll incur his displeasure by going. Red flag.

Useful22 yes I think your right he just can't seem to shift this bad feeling. It even worse because he stopped speaking as much and seeing each other as much when she got into new relationships so he thinks we fell out because she's in a new relationship 😂 it's comical at times but it's really stressing me out !

Batqueen I know it's crazy !!

Shoxfordian he's not controlling at all .. he feels a certain way and I cannot control how he feels and I guess neither can he. He wears his feeling on his sleeve if he's in a mood or happy or sad everyone knows about it because he can't hide is feelings very well. When I told him I was going for lunch with her he checked his work schedule for me and told me it would work out with our kids and he would get the eldests from school etc he's never told me I can't do this and I can't do that he just doesn't like it and I can feel it and it's causing an atmosphere which will eventually result in me saying something and demanding he tell me his problem but like he usually does he will pretend nothing is wrong because he doesn't want to have these feeling he just does which is very annoying for me

If he's going to pretend nothing is wrong and wait for you to ask / challenge him... just ignore the behaviour and let him bring it up if he wants to. I can see why it is annoying you, but you can choose not to react outwardly and let him bring it up like an adult if he has anything to say.

He clearly doesn't trust you though if he thinks you've been having a secret affair with her
He's causing an atmosphere so next time, you'll think about whether you want to keep him happy or see your friend. Sounds controlling to me

Could he be quiet because he is pissed off that a shit friend is now trying to get back into your good books?

If I woman posted on here:

"My husband has a close friend and I just don't feel comfortable about their relationship. He has plenty of friends, including his best friend of 10 years who is gorgeous. They go out alone all the time and it doesn't bother me at all. With this friend, it's different, I just get this feeling that there's more there."

There would be so many replies saying" trust your instinct!!"

I'm not saying that you will cheat, but maybe he actually senses that she sees you as more than a friend... She might never have said it, or outright denied it, but it is strange that she's dropped you like a hot potato now she has a new gf. Obviously, if your friend DOES like you, but you have no interest, then your partner is projecting - which isn't right either.

From what you have written, and if your partner is fine otherwise, then I'd have a very frank discussion about your relationship with your friend. And, rightly or wrongly, I would offer to cut ties with her (she seems like a pain in the ass anyway) if it really makes your partner that uncomfortable. Maybe that would provide the reassurance that he needs to feel she isn't a threat.

Good luck x

@skies If supposed woman said she kept accusing her dp of having an affair on no evidence or remotely suspicious behaviour anyone telling her that would be unreasonable too!

I would normally take the stance of "no"....dont let your other halfs moods stop you doing something fun with a friend or whatever , of course not.

But as this is the ONLY friend he has a problem with, I'd sit up and listen and take his feelings into consideration. He obviously senses something OP doesn't see.....

Two separate issues here. Firstly, she dropped you like a stone as soon as she had someone better to hang out with, took 5-7 working days to even text back!! Why are you now running straight back to her after over a year of her having no interest in you whatsoever?
Secondly your dh. No idea why he's being so odd, you're going to have to talk to him and ask. Maybe he's thinking if someone treats you like shit in a friendship you don't usually go running back to them, unless you want a shag, in which case it doesn't matter if they're a shit friend? Judging you by his standards maybe.

@Batqueen I totally get it. He IS being unreasonable. But something isn't sitting right with him about this specific relationship. People have gut feelings they can't shake all the time. There's a big difference between thinking his behaviour is OK/no big deal (it's not), and saying OK, his behaviour is shit but if it's only this one friendship he has an issue with, and you have an otherwise healthy relationship, then you should try and take his (albeit irrational) feelings into consideration.

I think if someone has irrational feelings, you help them work through those feelings and support them but, there is a danger in letting those irrational feelings control your behaviour, particularly if that person cannot see they are behaving irrationally which it doesn’t sound like he can.

He is being controlling in this situation. Don't let it go - it is a slippery slope. Tell him you will spend time with any friend you please.