Moving on from a cheater

[Thisismyusernamefornow]

I was with an emotionally Abusive partner for ten years and we have been separated for 29 months now. We have two children together.

Before I met him I always had self belief and that I was enough. I still carry myself this way but it's only skin deep. I have recently started a new relationship and I am finding myself looking for signs that he is cheating on me. When I step back and think rationally or through the eyes of somebody else I can see this is my problem and not anything he is doing but I just can't help myself.

I think this is from years of living with a manipulator and a liar who could convince me black was white with the right words.

I don't want to continue down this path and know it's destructive and unfair but I can't seem to help myself.

I am happy to talk about this and know it needs work but don't know where to start.

Do I need a counsellor? Psychologist? Or are there books that can help? Happy to put the work in as I do want to be happy in a relationship and not have these thoughts blight it.

FWIW I am happy on my own and enjoy my own company but I also like being with this man and don't want to ruin things.

Thank you for reading.

I don't think you should let yourself be a prisoner of the past. I know its hard to trust again after you have been let down but it's important that you know the warning signs of an abusive relationship for reference but you shouldn't always specifically look for these in an individual if they are not there. This can then cause you to mentally see them as a cheat or a liar when in fact they're are not.

If they're any warning signs you would notice these without looking in depth for them. It's also important to remember that people are not all the same just because one person hurt you doesn't mean all will.

I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years I finally decided to leave 3 years ago and I am now married to the love of my life and we're happily married.

I would start off by speaking to your doctor who will refer you to some counselling sessions. This would great for me as it gave me focus and an action plan to stick too.

Hope it all works out for you x

Yes, counselling or therapy would really help you.
After 10 years of abuse did you get any support?
If not, then do contact Womens Aid.
They can help you with specialist counsellors in your area and also talk to them about doing their Freedom Programme.
It will really help you with self-esteem, boundaries and spotting red flags in the future.
Please try to attend a local group in person but if you can't there is an on-line course.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - it covers the dynamics of abuse vs healthy relationships and the warning signs of an abuser (which let's face it is what you're frightened of here).

Trauma therapy would probably be a good idea to explore. Being traumatised means that for your brain those traumatic experiences remain with you in the present because they haven't been properly processed and archived like normal non-traumatic experiences.

If you find reading helpful then perhaps try Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery.

I'd been cheated on in all 3 of my long term relationships prior to meeting DH.
When we got together I obsessively phone and email checked for about 2years . I didn't realise he even knew until one night he said something about plans his sister had messaged about and I said "how would I know?" and he was immediately like "because you read all my messages"
I was gobsmacked, ashamed and mortified all at once. He wasn't bothered in the slightest. He knew my history and said he had nothing to hide. That there and then ended it for me, I didn't need to check after that. We are together 7 years now, 4 of them married with DD. I'm not proud of my actions, and I know it was unfair to tar him with the same brush as my exes but I think I was just trying to protect myself - which is ridiculous really as even if I had found something I'd still have been devastated.
You have to make the decision to move on and trust. If you need help with that professionally then there's no shame in that either. Take care of yourself x

Hello op. Just wanted to say you are not alone. I could of written your post myself. With ex 10 years 3 kids. And now struggling to trust even though I've been given no reason not to trust in current relationship. It's like a battle with yourself. Really want help to get past this x

Thank you. I have just looked online re freedom programme and emailed a contact on there. I will also look at women's aid.

I haven't had any support really.

I reported him to the police at the end of our relationship as he was doing some crazy things and I needed an adult to know (I know that is eye rolling).

I need to break the cycle of thinking I am going around the bend. I am scared of missing genuine signals of something that's wrong but seem to continually question everything. It's exhausting.

@thisismyusernamefornow I have a post where I snooped and I found messaged from when we were together for 4 months- been together 16 months and living together now. I only found them a few weeks ago but I have always had trust issues in this relationship due to an abusive marriage and relationship before my XH.
I totally understand how you feel. I take everything as hurtful, inc him masturbating which I know is just my way of making it my problem. If i find out it's over anyone else (porn,sexy celebrity etc) then i go full throttle and turn into a possessive knobhead. I'm wearing him down and for the first time he turned around and told me it makes him feel like shit that he cant make me happy no matter what he does or what he tells me.
I'm going to my counsellor I had after my marriage ended, it really does help x x x

I'm starting to becoming controlling and turning into exactly the person I escaped from. He could of left a long time ago. Most of the reason he self pleasured to fantasies more than usual was because I became this unattractive, pushy person. Wanting sex as a reassurance reason and throwing a huff if it didnt happen cos 'he must be wanting someone else to waiting to self love'
Honestly our own worst enemy is ourselves.
We are still together and I'm working on myself in order to better myself first then our relationship will grow but I have to come first in getting sorted x

@Thisismyusernamefornow how are you feeling hun? X

Thanks for checking in.

I'm trying really hard to have perspective and recognise that where my mind goes first isn't necessarily the truth and to just deal with FACTS! That is a very useful tool - facts not fiction or make believe!

How are you?

I'm not doing so well. Keep picking at him and looking for things that arent really there but I seem to think he is hiding stuff.
We have a good morning and then by lunch time my brain has woken up and its filling my head with loads of thoughts. I was doing so well 😫😔 he gets tired round about this time as he works in the evenings till 2am so end up bickering and then I have to keep going on and on cos I'm scared I've pissed him off and things will be awkward.
I'm on last chance saloon with this crap and I'm hoping the counselling will help me sort my shit out, even if we dont work out, I need to be better for myself.
I need to follow what you have just said cos it's so bloody logical when you think of it but the over reactive brain doesnt think x

@Lost87 have you started counselling? I am in the middle of organising some. I haven't heard back from the freedom programme but intend to do the online course too.

I feel guilty for pushing this onto another person (boyfriend) so I am trying to keep it with myself. Don't get my wrong I can talk to him about it but I am not sharing my ridiculous thoughts with him as I do recognise it's my problem not him or his actions!

Take care b

I have started counselling. It will take time and I'm hoping I dont fail and just mess it all up.
No matter how much I read people saying that men and women having fantasies or looking at things to aid self love etc is normal and doesnt mean he doesnt love you, I just csnt stop feeling so ugly and worthless(so sorry if this makes you uncomfortable) I know I cant stop him as I do not want to be one of these controlling gf who makes him change something he has been doing before he met me and is natural.
I got to a point where I didnt want to leave the house and him be alone cos he would probably go straight on his phone and do that, I know it's happened a few times.
I hate sounding like a crazy psycho and I hate that my past and my X's are absolutely taking over my future but that's only cos I am letting them!!
I know deep down that even if I had the perfect body and was sexy, he would still find other women sexier.
Injust want to be able to go out and feel confident enough to not let my negative thoughts take over.
Counselling is helping and I also got a mental health anxiety journal from Amazon- cost like £7, it's great
I really hope you get your happy every after and someone can help you xxx

@Thisismyusernamenow how are you doing? X

@Thisismyusernamefornow