Half way through

[HalfWayThroughLife]

I know it's not strictly a relationship issue, although it's relationships with others that has left me feeling is way.

I am, most likely, only half way through my life. The women in my family have all lived to their late 80s/90s. It terrifies me and leaves me with a sense of cold dread that I am, most likely to only be half way through my life.

I'm not suicidal - I'm going to work today as I always do and I'll come home and look after my children as I always do. I'm not at any risk of that. I've just grown weary.

The first 44 years have not been good, despite my best efforts to improve and change things and I'm just not looking forward to the next.

I hope there is something that you can do that will help, such as therapy, coaching or even spirituality. You clearly want to kickstart a change, to have turned to MN for a response. You deserve to feel good about life. Everybody does. I hope you find what you need.

Well, maybe time to start making some changes in your life. Your dc will grow up and be off, and you'll need to be happy in your own skin. Worth looking at what you can do to improve things for yourself.

Thanks for your replies.

The thing is, I don't really know what i can do to improve things. I've tried so hard, so many times for so long.

I gained a first class degree as a mature student and went on to qualify for a professional career but, for various reasons, am only able to work in short term contracts so I don't have career stability or progression. Other than an abusive marriage that lasted far longer than it should, I've never had a relationship of longer than 5 months. I joined a gym last year and I have done yoga for a number of years. I have had, and still have, a number of hobbies through which I have met some amazing people I am still in touch with, but I dont have any close friends. I volunteer. I have a child at university and one who is thriving in school.

I had an abusive childhood that has impacted on much of my life - only realising in the past few years just how much. I arranged some really good therapy only to attend two sessions, start my current job and realise I wouldn't be able to continue - they only offered one session at a suitable time and that now clashes with work too.

I rent because I was advised badly when I was younger and whilst I could have bought when married my now ex husband made excuses only to tell me that he had no intention of buying with me and that scuppered my chances - I don't earn enough, insecure employment and my age now means buying is out of the question.

I just feel like it's 3 steps forward and 4 steps back all the time.

I think this time of life with school aged children can seem very dull and routine. You can try and mix it up by trying new activities or studying to enhance your career etc. Then when the children leave home you have another stage of life and more freedom
And self time. Then grandchildren and retirement. My parents are in their mid 70s and backpacking around Asia currently. There’s always gojng to be new things and better to come

That's the thing though. My life isn't dull or routine. My eldest is at university but still.living at home. My youngest is doing her GCSEs - they are both thriving academically with no issues. My eldest babysits my youngest so that i can have a social life.

I'm out of the house twice a week for hobbies and then at the weekend if my daughter is at her dad's.

I started seeing someone a couple of months ago but am very much aware that it's 'two months down and three to go' given my poor relationship history so.im just enjoying it for what it is while it lasts - no emotional attachment; no expectations.

I have friends I can socialise with but no one close.

I just have a huge sense of sadness, lost time, missed opportunity and emptiness really.

But it's never been any different. When i was younger, I suppose I assumed all my efforts would pay off at some point. I've never sought material or financial success; that's not what motivates me. I try to live a good life but I feel it/I have no value or worth.

I don't know how to change it. I already do many of the suggestions i read on here.

Have you had counselling or other treatment for depression op? Sorry you feel this way.

I've had counselling for low self esteem and confidence over the years. I used, and still use, many of the strategies which get me through day to day but with no significant lasting impact.

I explained in my second post about my recent therapy situation.

I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to what to do really.

Like I said, I'm not suicidal - there is no risk of that - but if someone offered me the option of walking through a door and away from it all, I'd take it. I've just grown weary.

'I don't know how to change it.'

Therapy, and medication. See your GP please hun. If you've tried some things, keep going back because there are dozens of meds they can try- they will hit on one that works for you.

There'll be more than one ok therapist in your area.:) Find one that's convenient for you. xx

Look at what you can do and don't focus on what doesn't work. Think about shared ownership deals...go on a challenging trek ...adopt a shelter animal. What you can control is how you will change your life xxx

But all your efforts have paid off. You have 2 successful, achieving children with no issues, someone put time and effort into raising them in a secure, safe environment and the results of that are showing - was that not you ?

You have a first class degree and and a professional qualification - who put the time and effort into achieving these things ?
You have an interesting and full life and amazing people are drawn to you.
IMO the thing you don't have and crave is emotional intimacy and that's the difficult thing that will open you up to joy and pleasure but also the possibility of being vulnerable and hurt.
Look on all your achievements as you having built the firm foundations that make taking the next step of opening up emotionally to someone, you might get hurt, you might not.
The first half of your life has made the second half possible - enjoy it.

Thanks for the suggestions. Therapy isnt really an option any more. I can't afford to go private. I've looked into lower cost options but there still arent any in my area. The therapy I was offered recently was perfect for me but I couldn't attend the only session time they were able to offer me once I started my new job. And the 'after work' option they offered was the only one that wasn't in the middle of the day.

I don't feel like I need anti depressants I haven't lost interest in doing things I enjoy etc; I'm not 'depressed'. I have been so I know how it feels and this doesn't feel like that.

oldncold thank you. I do see what you mean but I feel like I have fallen short of all of it. Superficially, my life looks pretty good - I know that. I know that none of my friends would know I feel this way and none of them suspect my situation is as it is.

You're right about the emotional intimacy. I've always dated men who were 'unavailable'. Not because they were married, but because they were emotionally closed off or lived too far away or weren't quite over their exes. Obviously, I didnt know that about them at the time but it became apparent fairly early on. As soon as I realise, I end things and walk away - hence never getting further than 5 months. But I havent ever attracted a man who wasn't unavailable in some way.

I don't feel the need for a boyfriend but it would be nice to have someone to wander through life with.

This man I'm seeing seems really nice but he has his own 'baggage' (don't we all at this age?) In his case, he's been single for a long time and has a nice life just doing what he wants, when he wants. He's lovely, but I'm not sure he's ready for a full on commitment. Like i say though, I'm enjoying it for what it is. I'm not even sure I'd know how how to take a relationship beyond the first few weeks of dating, if I'm honest with you!! I seem to have an almost automatic cut off point by 4 months in, give it another month to be sure and then end it.

I'm not even sure that all of them have been as emotionally unavailable as I thought. I think i just end it then and walk away because I'm so used to it having run it's course by then that i see it through that filter.