Practical advice please

[jess3817]

I'm in the process getting this ready so I can leave my husband. Been together 10 years. 4 children - younget 2 are 8 and 4 are his. Older two are 13 and 11.
Very long story short - very controlling, manipulative, twists things and can be quite agressive - when an episode occurs, if I get upset / call him out on his behaviour / ignore it etc etc there's always a reason it's my fault, and then if I stew on it,I'm the one with the problem. This is the tip of the ice berg. He is obviously not like this all the time. And we do have good times..But this last year has been he'll for me and the kids - though most of it occurs when they're at school. I run my own business and am home between customers. He hasn't worked for 5 years I have tried everything t get him to get a job outside the house.

I have opened a separate bank account amd bee putting money it in for few months now. Have all mine and the kids important papers and documents together etc. But..I don't know how to get him to leave the house. We are in a rented house, same one for ten years. He doesn't hae bank account as was made bankrupt 20 years ago. I don't know what he did before me. He could get one of his own now I know, but there's always an excuse. All 3 accounts are in my name and always have been mine. Both our names are on the tenancy but my parents are guarantors.

He has no family. And only 2 old friends - they're 70 odd. He's 48. I don't know if I need to he leave house with the kids or get him to leave. How do I get him to go. Just telling him won't make it happen. He will get aggressive etc.

Thanks for any advice

Too add - no he wasn't always like this. It's the last 3 .5 years and gradually got worse and worse

You should speak to Women's Aid to get some advice about how to leave safely, and also Shelter about housing options.

It may be that you can get an occupation order. Or you may need to give notice on your rental.

Ok thank you. I really dont want to have to leave, as it's been the home they've known for ten years, and feel that he should be the one to leave. But I will if that's the only option.

Is he the main carer of the DC if he doesn't work?
What does he do all day?
I agree with having a chat with Womens Aid.
They may be able to help you.
Could he afford the rent and bills on his own in that house?
Would you have to support him as well?
Really look into that.
I'd get to a solicitor and talk through the options.

If he gets aggressive call the police and call NCDV and ask them about an Occupation Order.

However, he's not been working for five years so is he the primary carer to your children? I'm confused about whose the children are. You say youngest two are 'his'. Does that mean his from a previous relationship or yours and his? You need legal advice because he may be considered the primary carer.

Family Law Panel have a search facility on their website where you can find a local solicitor and the ones with a purple ribbon are trained in DV. You can also contact Gingerbread for advice on becoming a single parent such as maintenance, contact arrangements, benefits etc

You can't just 'get him to go' if he's on the tenancy as he has a right to live there, so you need advice on separation and divorce. Take a look at the CABx website as well.

Op it's hard to get an idiot out of your house even if their not on the tenancy agreement. I am in a similar situation to you apart from all 4 of my dcs are older. I still cannot get him out. I've asked and cried and shouted for years he will not move. The only option I've got now is to call the police. I cannot phone the police as he has stopped physically abusing me so it's a bit sad.

Hi,sorry I wasn't very clear when I wrote the post. The 2 older children are mine from a previous relationship, the younger 2 are ours. Yes he is the main carer/ sahd while I'm at work, no he couldn't afford the rent and bills.
If he got violent I would definitely call the police.
I will take a look at ginger bread and the others you have all suggested, thanks for all the advice

To add - he was made redundant and after applying for tons of jobs and getting turned down he gave up looking. I tried all sorts of ways of getting him to apply for jobs but there's always a reason or excuse.
Also, I've cried/ pleaded /begged with him to get help about his issues / anger/ depression ( wich he thinks he doesn't have) until I'm blue in the face. The last time I called him out on his outburst he actually said here you go again, same shit nagging me all the time - if you don't like it tough, this is me I'm not going to change.

No problem.

@Thatagain You should start your own thread. Domestic Abuse is not just violence. Have you contacted any domestic violence organisations for advice and support?