relationship split while baby is only 9 months old

[nevertoolate]

Can anyone give me any advice?
I didn't know my baby's father very well when I got pregnant (after just two months). Our DS is now 9 months old and the relationship between me and the father is very unhappy. I'm so miserable in the relationship most of the time and know it's not going to last for much longer. Our DS is gorgeous and totally the light of my life. I'm just so worried about what will happen when we do split up, I know my 'future ex' will fight like mad for lots of access. I won't deny him access but am very very unhappy about overnight stays. We've never lived together, he lives 50 miles away and comes over to see us less and less (about twice a month), whereas I go over to his about 8 times a month partly to try to keep the relationship going and partly so our DS can see his dad. I'm not clinging on to the relationship, I just want it to be civil. My future ex, however, is just beligerent and volatile and seems quite happy to reduce me to tears on a regular basis and leave me feeling wobbly and worried all the time (I'm not coming over too well here am I?!). He's not arsy and difficult with the baby, just me.
My prime concern is getting through the access arguments (he's done it all before with his last DS). Any advice anyone? thanks so much x

hi never, I don't really have advice but just want to send a (((((((((hug)))))))))

Not sure what to suggest just didn't want to leave your thread unanswered

Can you speak to CAB or a solicitor to get some advice on where you would stand over access if things get nasty?

Can you maybe keep a diary of his behaviour and the things he does/says, the amount of time he makes an effort to come and see ds... that sort of thing?
Should all help you if you need evidence to show why you are not comfortable with ds staying overnight or alone with him. It's easy to forget these things, especially if he gets to you and messes with your head as much as it sounds like he does.

Best of luck

well first thing that he need a kick up in the arse!!! Is he very or just not a responsible parent?.. Youre not being fair on yourself if you cant see the relationship going no where

oops! is he just very young or not a responsible parent?

You poor thing. I split with my ex when DS was 10months - we were living together and he adores his ds and is currently taking me to court for more access. Like your situation, he was awful to me - quite verbally abusive - but loves his Ds. As another poster said - write down everything he says to you. You should not have to put up with any abuse from him. A good parent would not want to make the other parent unhappy as happy parents = happy children (generally).
My ex has ds 2 nights a week - he is now 19 months - but still wants more.
Could you just not go and see him and then he has to make the effort? Then your Ds sees him twice a month.
You have a lot of rights and I'm sure you are doing your best to try and make the best of your situation - but sometimes you need to put yourself first - because long term that is going to be the right decision for your ds. I found the Cab pretty useful. I never wanted to deny my ex access (and never have) - but now I am regretting a few things as he takes more and more. Probably not much help to you - but I do understand your situation. Good luck.

would be fair? Started in relationship thread by mistake my thread if it helps.

"would be fair? Started in relationship thread by mistake. My thread"

would be fair? Started in relationship thread by mistake.

I give up - can't do links - but there is some good advice from other posters regarding setting precedents and stuff.

Hope this works

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=252129#5057832

Can do link's but can't rename them

Thank you for your support and advice. I'm keeping a diary of things now and have phoned a cab for advice. I will carry on as I am for now, to give myself space to think and prepare. I feel happier making these preparations though (eg diary) as they will stand me in good stead when the day comes...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Having a 9 month old is hard enough on its own! Do you really think your future ex is going to fight for access? He doesn't seem overly bothered about seeing your ds now. He might threaten it to hurt you but it sounds like in reality he couldn't be bothered with the hassle it would entail. As he's never had primary responsibility for ds I don't think it would be reasonable for him to have overnight access anyway. 50 miles there and back is doable (if not pleasant) in a day.

It doesn't really sound like you are in a relationship, to be honest. Can you reduce your visits to him over the course of the next few months to save yourself some stress?