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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

why does my ex make me feel bad even though he broke up with me?

14 replies

ohlalanoooo · 06/01/2020 19:07

My ex-boyfriend is a lovely guy. Very sensitive and shy, but also suffers from really low self-esteem and insecurities. He has bad mental health, depression and has gone through some pretty shitty things (e.g. abuse/neglectful parents etc). Whenever we argued he thought I was criticizing him, after two arguments in the whole relationship he broke up with me, this was about three months ago.

After we broke up we remained quite friendly, texting and having very long Skype calls (for like 8 hours a time). But, I was finding it hard, and sometimes he was really distant and took days to reply, so I went NC for about two months.

Eventually at the start of the month, I caved and replies to one of his texts. We met up before Christmas and he told me that he found it difficult to reply to my texts after the breakup as he would go to work, come home and get into bed to sleep, for like a month, because he felt too low to interact. He said that he did not see his friends for three weeks after the breakup, and his family had a welfare call to his house, and he had to stop doing his hobby (exercise-based) which was good for his mental health.

Also, he has heart problems (quite badly) but started smoking weed and cigarettes because he felt so down after the breakup. Which I found pretty weird to be honest.

Anyway he said is terrified that if we get back together, then the uncertainty that came from the arguments would come again, and that it would go back to day one after the breakup and it would kill him. He told me he didn't want to lose me, that he would never find anyone like me.

So I stayed at his just before Christmas, and we ended up talking for hours and hours about us and the relationship. He said it was circumstances - stress and distance between where we live - and that he did not have one bad thing to say about the relationship. Obviously we ended up having sex. He said we will meet up again (at the moment I am busy travelling around for work)

We've been texting like we did at the start of our relationship (we met on Tinder and would send long messages to each other over a few days - we spoke A LOT before we met up)... and now I am confused?? He is now calling me the "baby" name he gave me, and reads my messages immediately, apologizes if he texts back late/lets me know when he will reply ...

is this just friendly ex stuff? Or just us both finding it hard to cut the ties? Why does he act like I broke his heart, and not the other way round?

OP posts:
ohlalanoooo · 07/01/2020 09:51

Hopeful for a bump

OP posts:
sue51 · 07/01/2020 10:05

This sounds exhausting for you. Do you really want a relationship where you have to self censer everything you say for fear of upsetting him? The weed smoking will make him even more sensitive to anything he considers a criticism. He broke up with you yet he’s the one who needs comforting over it. I’d cut my loses and look for someone more emotionally stable.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/01/2020 10:08

Jeez, it really is all about HIM isn't it!??
Please back away.
He will drag you down with him, I guarantee it!
YOU are not responsible for HIM.
YOU cannot fix him.
Stop trying.
Block, ignore delete and move on with your life.
You will be forever unhappy with this one.

SophieSong · 07/01/2020 10:19

So he chose to deal with the breakup he instigated by doing things which are dangerous for his mental AND physical health, and blamed you for causing it? After two arguments?

And now he’s letting it be known he’s interested in getting back together - with the proviso you never do anything to stress him or cause an argument. Neatly making you 100% responsible for his wellbeing.

If you fancy ditching all your needs to cater for his needs then I’d say stay in contact. If not then I’d be going back to no contact.

TwentyViginti · 07/01/2020 10:20

He's sucking the life out of you. 'vampirising'. Feeding off all these lengthy texts. Skyping for eight hours? Really? Talking for hours and hours.....bet it was more about him than you.

Relationships should be fun and ADD to and enhance your life - not take it over with endless hand wringing.

anomoony · 07/01/2020 10:20

He doesn't sound lovely.

TwentyViginti · 07/01/2020 10:22

Neatly making you 100% responsible for his wellbeing

Yes, that will be your role. Not a partner - a carer.

Howyiz · 07/01/2020 10:23

Run, run fast and far! Can you really not see that you are worth more than this.his life is all about him, yours doesn't have to be and shouldn't be.

LasthingIlldo · 07/01/2020 10:24

He seems very dependent on you to support his emotional wellbeing. Which isn't exactly the norm after a break and also as you realised he broke up with you but is expecting you to still fix him/his broken heart.
What about you op? What about your healing after the break up? He isn't and can't provide you with any help. Because really when people break up they need space to regroup and then possibly figure out if they can ever be just friends.
But at the moment boundaries are blurring and he is using you as a crutch tbh.
He needs to seek support elsewhere, turn to his friends family hobbies etc seek counselling.
But he has to do all this on his own steam.
And 8 hr stints on Skype after a break up is in my opinion way way too much.
I love my dh but 8hrs of Skype would honestly interfere with my daily life.
You can't fix him and feeling sorry for him ignores you and your own emotions. You matter too so I'd take a step back.

ohwheniknow · 07/01/2020 10:26

He's not lovely and this is seriously dysfunctional.

SandyY2K · 07/01/2020 10:31

Relationships shouldn't be this hard. It sounds absolutely draining.

Howyiz · 07/01/2020 10:31

How long were you dating for before the breakup?

ToBreatheAgain · 07/01/2020 10:41

It sounds like he's setting things up so if you get back together you'll be to scared to argue about anything because of how he'll react. If his mental health truly is that fragile he should be focusing on that and not considering a relationship with anyone. The other option is its a controlling behaviour. Either way run, go back to NC and don't look back.

ohlalanoooo · 07/01/2020 14:43

You're all right.

He hasn't responded to my last messages (which were replies to his) for 2 days now. I guess he doesn't need support anymore.

Its hard to understand how someone can be so selfish and use people so much

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