Silly heartbroken idiot needs a handhold

[Spacecadetagain]

If I could dig a hole for myself and get in it I would . Right A year after getting out of a toxic relationship and having therapy to understand why I was getting into these situations again. I find myself back to square one devastated over getting involved with yet another man who only wanted me for the ride... literally . Six months ago I unexpectedly found myself involved with a man from my circle of friends. Neither of us expected it and he’s 13 years younger than me . He seemed very keen and from that point our contact stepped up until we were talking every day and seeing each other once a week (distance work etc meant more frequently wasn’t possible ) However A few weeks in I got the classic . I don’t want a relationship. I felt sad but at the time wasn’t particularly emotionally invested to thought its great fun .. carry on .. I’m such an idiot for thinking I could stay detached . As time went on we seem to have got closer . It’s become I guess a situation. Constant contact and support and treating me like a GF when with me . Cuddling me all night etc . He’s a bit of a loner and Seems happy with his own company most of the time . Doesn’t socialise much except with our group of friends but we haven’t done that together . Over Christmas I had a major health scare and he was very supportive acting as though he really cared then .. on New Years Day he tells me that due to him engaging in projects linked to a hobby we both do.. he’s not going to have time to see me for a few months !!! I’m gobsmacked and when I pressed him on it he said .. look we are friends who have sex .. that’s it .. this is after six solid months of seeing each other . To make matters worse he’s suddenly become friends with a married woman he knew from school who is suddenly coming round his on the weekends to help with his project despite him claiming to have no time for me when I could have helped too. I realise what’s happening. I know I need to walk away but I can’t believe I’ve been such a fool . It’s obvious I was nothing more than sex and now he wants me out if the way so he can sleep with his married friend am I right ?

Looks like it. But you're not silly, nor an idiot. You just fell for the attention and read more into it than he intended.

Chin up lass. Have a biscuit and watch something funny on Netflix. You'll feel better soon.

You had fun. Chin up and move on. Next time listen to what they say and realise that you will got involved. He sounds awful by the way - well done for moving on.

It does sound like it OP yes. Many of us have been there before. I didn’t realise quite how common it was until I joined mumsnet. I’ve been in this position twice before. After the second time I said never again.

It sucks and it hurts but it is a lesson learned. Hope you feel better soon.

Also - if he's the type of man who'll knowingly sleep with a married woman, is he really the sort of man you'd want to be with?

Trouble is I developed feelings and was investing in this . He was behaving as though I was very important to him and meant something . I feel so hurt and worse still I’ve got to watch him conduct an affair with someone now as they will both be at a small event I’m going to which I can’t get out of now . I can’t say what as it would out the situation. He had the cheek to say to me that at that event I wasn’t allowed to flirt with him etc but that he was probably going to flirt with her !

Everyone in our (mainly female ) circle of friends thinks he’s bloody wonderful . I now don’t.. and yes .. sleeping with a married woman ! What a lowlife !

Tell him to piss off arrogant dick.

Come and join this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3784434-Choosing-to-be-single-feels-such-a-relief

Argh, I have been there OP, and it's partiularly confusing /bloody annoying when they seen to not just want the sex but also appear to be enjoying 'the girlfriend experience', but without ever actually having any intention of committing. Sod that!

I feel like he treated me like a pseudo GF and was happy to get all the fringe benefits until something more exciting came along

Yup he wanted the girlfriend experience without the title, committment or responsibility. But there is a lesson you can learn from this.

I do hope this link works...some really really wise words from the lovely Iyanla Vanzant

www.instagram.com/tv/B63ovDclNPq/?igshid=18lspvos3btv7

Trouble is I developed feelings and was investing in this . He was behaving as though I was very important to him and meant something. Yep been there. Mine would contact me daily, would tell me he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me, wouldn’t want me to be involved with anyone else, would invite me to meet his family and also was keen to meet mine. Told me how attracted he was to me and how he loved how he could be totally himself with me and have a laugh. Was so affectionate. Talked about what our kids would be like.

It was fucking confusing. But he had begun it all by telling me that he “couldn’t be in a relationship at the moment because of work”. With the way he treated me as a gf I presumed he would change his mind. Nope, he meant it. And of course a few months after I finished whatever it was, he got himself a girlfriend. It’s shitty, but SO common. I realise that now.

He doesn’t sound like a very nice person all and by the sounds of it you are well rid!

Oh yes "the girlfriend experience" with no commitment.

Leave him to his married woman OP. Exquisite manners to him at the do you'll both be at. Treat him as a mere acquaintance. They don't like that!

Been there, done that. Don't blame yourself OP. When they treat you like a girlfriend with wonderful days together and all the affection it's impossible not to feel it's more than friends.

Its the classic manipulation. Keeping you interested by playing the caring boyfriend while telling you he won't commit.
He sounds like a commitment-phobe if he is now chasing someone who is married. Total loser.
Hold your head up and ditch him from your life.

I know . I think I’ve been horribly played . He was keen right up until the married woman said she wanted to come to his and that was it . He tells me he’s too busy to get together for weeks but she will be round most weekends instead. And in my book a married woman reaching out to an old single school friend and suddenly inviting herself round is not doing it for legit reasons

Tbh it sounds more as though she’s chased him a he’s flattered and thinks it’s a great chance to have convenient no strings sex with a woman he probably fancied at school

Well strings may become very apparent if her husband finds out. He's playing with fire, it's only a matter of time before he gets burned, somehow.

Yes exactly .. he’s an idiot . Apparently things aren’t good in her marriage but from someone whose husband had an affair I remember my husband crying on his OW shoulder telling her how bad things were when I was eight months pregnant and blissfully unaware

You say he’s going to get burnt. Don’t be his security blanket when that happens. He’s going to try and get back in your bed when it all falls to shit with the married woman.

Oh believe me I won’t be there to pick up the pieces

@PerfectionistProcrastinator he sounds like a future faker .. I’ve been with one of those before . This guy never mentioned a future but talked about us in the future tense always ie next year we will do such and such (usually hobby related) He used to refer to me having my own mug at his and seemed out out constantly that he didn’t have one at mine !!

Thought I’d resurrect this and give an update . So I went along to the event we were all at and he barely acknowledged me . It was so humiliating and his “married” friend was all over him like a rash . Flirting like mad and draping herself all over him for the group photos . I ended up going home in tears . My friends who knew about us thought it was disgusting .
I contacted him and asked if we could talk and told him how I felt (god knows why ) and of course he said he had never felt a thing for me and had only ever stayed overnight and spent weekends with me .. cuddled me and been in constant daily contact .. to be polite ! He said he hadn’t wanted to look like an arsehole 🙄 This was the man who would kiss my head in the night when he thought I was asleep .. I was so upset I told him I didn’t want to have anything more to do with him which I don’t think he was expecting as he pleaded with me to stay friends .. it’s been three weeks now I’ve stayed no contact and intend to but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t confused and devastated by the situation ..clearly he wanted all the benefits of a relationship without a relationship.. thankfully though I didn’t stick around for his offer of friendship which no doubt would have had an ego massaging shag thrown in once in a blue moon when he was desperate