Neighbors and domestic violence (trigger warning)

[Helpwithneighbour]

I’ve name changed for obvious reasons. I’m hoping to receive some advice about how to handle the ongoing abuse of a neighbour. Sorry for the length. I’ve seen many women receive help for DV here and I’m a little clueless but losing sleep over it now. Situation is this. Very young Couple live across the road, not directly next door. They have a toddler living with them (their child). A month or so ago in the morning I witnessed the boy chasing his girlfriend down the footpath brandishing a garden shovel. He was swearing/shouting and threatening her. She got into her car and drove off. He whacked the floor near the car door just as she got in the car. child left alone in the house with him whilst he was pacing around outside (still yelling and sounding off). Woman then came back. I promptly called the police who came out quickly. I don’t know the outcome of the police visit as I had an appointment to get to so I left home just as they were entering the property. I don’t know if they took him for questioning or anything. Since then I have witnessed him being very verbally aggressive to his gf on two more occasions, once threatening to burn the house down if she didn’t do what he wanted. Both times me and dh have made it known we were looking/listening whilst in our front garden (which seems to make him angry) and he has recently threatened to ‘come over and punch us’ and called us foul names including ‘cunts’ and ‘nosey fuckers’. We have not reported these incidents to the police yet. We are worried about him forming a vendetta against us and we have 2 young children, however I’m more worried about the woman and child living with him. My questions are

Do I need to report to social services separately? I assume that police call out for dv triggers this? Woman goes to work and leaves child in his sole care whilst gone(I’m presuming).

I have seen the girl alone a couple of times, should I say anything/offer her help/number for women’s aid?

Do we just keep reporting any incidents of him shouting we hear to police even if there are no direct threats?

This morning he has posted something on our local town Facebook page (smallish rural town) so I have had a look at both their facebooks and could potentially contact a member of her family to let them know the situation but this does feel very much like overstepping the concerned neighbour mark. Given the fact that he’s prepared to threaten her with a potentially lethal weapon I don’t really care, I just don't want to make anything worse for her and have no clue what would be a good action.

I feel there’s a cycle going on of police call outs, nothing changes, things settle for a week or so and then start up again (I believe the police have been to the property before a few weeks before I called them, but this family weren’t on my radar then so I don’t know for sure).

Any advice appreciated.

I would keep ringing the police every time something happens and also ring the NSPCC.

I personally don’t think contacting her family is a good idea. You don’t know the dynamics, or history. It could make things a lot worse for her.

You should be calling the police each and every time.

Each one creates a child protection flag on their system that is raised with MASH.
Each one builds up a pattern of his behaviour so when he is charged with something and/or she is ready to support a prosecution, it doesn't present as a one off occurance and every incident is put in to the court report.

You might not think the police are 'doing anything' but I assure you they are doing a lot behind the scenes and the more reports, the more action can be taken whether the woman wants there to be or not.

Thanks. Can I report an incident from a couple of days ago now? He directly threatened us at this point.

Yes you can.

Yes you can. And from now on call the police every single time.

Don't get involved with contacting family etc. Getting out of abuse is complex, there's conditioning involved keeping her there so it's not as simple as telling her she's being abused or how to call WA. The police will have done that anyway.

If the police ask for statements as witnesses please do provide them.

Yes, continue to report every incident but do not contact her family. Your kindness as a neighbour reporting these things could be her/her child/future victims saviour one day.

Also well done for caring about others

If you contact the NSPCC everything you say will be reported to the neighbours who will know who made the report, so do it anonymously and without any identifying details if you do that.

You need to keep reporting to the police and you can also contact Social Services yourself regarding the child as it is considered abusive for a child to witness domestic abuse. Keep a log of all times, dates and incidents as well.

He sounds out of control, so do look after yourselves and I wouldn't contact the family either as you could be putting yourself in danger.

yes, thank you for doing this
as PP have said, report every time
don't approach them, he will use your concern as an excuse to abuse her further
if you have the chance to speak to her and you are absolutely confident that he won't interupt you, tell her that she will be able to get help if she can speak to her HV, GP or the child's nursery. Don't give her anything he can find, like a leaflet or anything, that will make him kick off.

Ok. Thanks everyone. This has confirmed what I felt was right. I won’t approach her. I have called the police again about the last 2 incidents. They have also advised me to contact social services separately and log my concerns.

Why have the police told you to contact SS? They do it as a matter of course when a child is at the address and a call has been made for domestic violence. Or should!

I must admit I was a bit surprised when the call handler said I should contact ss myself too, which I’ve done. I would be completely horrified if that child wasn’t on the register already for a number of reasons. Either way my reports should trigger another round of welfare checks and at least they will help to build up a picture of the pattern of his behaviour.

Keep a diary op. Report everything.
Cctv up if necessary to get evidence if he threatens you.

Keep calling them, and keep a log of him throwing abuse at you too and you could add that to each report probably unless you feel in danger at the time in which case call the police right away. Make it clear when you do report their fights there’s a small child involved and you’re worried for their safety. The police should involve SS automatically, but if you’re still concerned get advice from NSPCC.
Before marriage and kids I lived below a couple with a young one, think he was possessive and jealous because she’d liked a man’s photo or was out longer than she agreed or something like that (from what I heard being yelled). Their rows would get very violent, furniture thrown around the works. When it gets that rough it’s only a matter of time before the LO is physically in the path of the bedside cabinet being thrown, or in your case the spade!

Anyone can report to social services, it is part of safeguarding. I'm glad you have reported.

So glad you’re looking out for that little one.

If you could try to have some sort of proof? A sneaky Ring doorbell or something that would pick up frankly terrifying behaviour maybe?

I know you need to contact the police and it the right thing to do but it can make things hard too for the victim. I was in a similar ish situation where my abuse was mainly verbal and after a few police call outs from my neighbour I ex made me feel so awful that during rows after I would stop shouting back to try and prevent the neighbours calling the police as the fall out from a police visit was horrific. Eventually the police did help me but wanted to give you that perspective.

If you ever do see her alone just let her know that if she ever needs anything you would open the door to her - that alone could be enough that if she gets scarred or needs to run quickly she can come to your door

Ofcourse she needs to contact the police. Sorry but ignore pp above. It’s the child that needs protecting in this situation.