Do you believe that couples counselling can actually work?

[Sd183]

My Fiance and I have been having some troubles at home and I have finally persuaded him to have couples counselling with me. But in my classic style I am having doubts about whether it will actually help. Does anyone have any good news stories for me?

I can only speak from 3 couples I am close to who have had couples counselling and sadly nothing worked. This was due to only one half of the couple really wanting to sort the situation out and the other half just went along to keep the peace. What it did do for all 3 couples is it helped make the decision to separate due to the lack of enthusiasm from one part of the couple. All 3 couples I know have now divorced and have moved on. So for you guys I think it will be a good idea as you dont want to be married then in a few years time wished you had realised that the marriage shouldn't have happened in the first place. Its best to sort things out before the wedding.

Surely there’s nothing to lose by trying?
If it makes it worse than surely the relationship wasn’t made to last anyway and it’s arguably better to find out now.

On the other hand you could think that if you’re having issues now which are bad enough to consider counselling, is he the man for you?

I think perhaps I feel like if we go in early with counselling then we could mitigate these issues early and not let them cause us real problems in the future if that makes sense?

So as not to drip feed, our main issue is that 98% of the time my DP is a totally normal lovely (if a little lazy with the housework!) man, but he has this 2% anger rage where he will BLOW UP in an argument. I have told him in no uncertain terms that I will NOT stand it for the rest of my life and if he can't get his shit under control it's all off. After many "I am trying" attempts failing he has conceded that it would be best to talk to someone.

This doesn't sound so much like couple counselling to me as him needing to work on things himself. Although something may happen infrequently, if it is a deal breaker for you then leave. I say this as having left a marriage with someone who had massive anger issues, we tried counselling twice. I used the final session of the last one to let him know I'd finally called it. He and the therapists thought I would really struggle on my own (yes, terrible therapists). I've been a wonderful relationship with a fabulous person for over a decade now. The problem wasn't us (couple therapy), wasn't me (I was in my own therapy anyway), it was him and sadly he continues to struggle with anger.

That is hard to hear. If I am entirely honest, the ideal situation would be him having therapy on his own; he had a very tough upbringing and still has difficult relationships with his family, and I know this still play a part in how he reacts to things. But there is absolutely no way in hell he would go on his own (just to add I don't think I'm faultless here and that I am going to my own counselling). I am sort of hoping the relate people on the first assessment will suggest individual sessions too.

HE needs to talk to someone.
HE has anger issues.
Why do you have to go to counselling with him?
He needs anger management and he needs it quickly.
Do not take on any of the responsibility for this.
It is his problem to deal with.
If he doesn't want to then you know you are not a priority.
But couples counselling and you aren't even married.
Is it even worth it?
Things will get worse when you marry or have kids.
If I served you a cup of tea with 2% shit in it - would you drink it???

Please, if you stay, don’t have kids unless he has had individual therapy, on going for a good while and his anger is under control.

That's his issue and it does not bode well that he won't do anything about it independently, and is only going to joint counselling because you "finally persuaded" him.

When does he unleash this rage? When things aren't going his way? Does he blame it on you?

I would be very wary of marrying someone who has already revealed such a massive problem and shows no genuine signs of being interested in changing their behaviour (as opposed to temporarily appeasing you by promising/ "trying" to change but not or tagging along to relate).

People like this tend to get worse after marriage, not better, because they're confident you're not going anywhere so they don't have to moderate themselves anymore.

What are you arguing about? Is it always the same sort of thing?
Is he blowing up if you disagree with him?

I can only think of one couple who have had couple counselling. They are still together miserable but ok relationship. The counselling was instigated by the husband who had 'fallen' for his wife's single friend, wife gave up the counselling after a while and the husband kept going. Nothing changed. I think he wanted someone to talk to about his EA. Both husband are really nice and it would have been better for them to split, even if only as a trial separation.

I have been in a relationship where it seemed good 98% of the time. He turned out to be quite a lot more than 2% shit.
Anger would be if he was criticised in any way and he could turn it around to blame me.

I would get out of the relationship.

I wouldn't recommend it if one partner doesn't buy into it, and particularly if one partner is controlling, abusive and manipulative.
If you've you both lost your way a bit but want to keep the marriage alive, maybe it's worth a try - with a skillful counsellor.

It worked for me. My husband has a lot of issues with his childhood and family. We went to couples counseling because of issues in our relationship, which highlighted issues he was having from his childhood. He then went on to see a counselor on his own to resolve/understand these issues.

Of course everyone’s situation is different, we didn’t have rage issues, it was the opposite in fact where we just didn’t communicate any negative feelings with each other.

If you've you both lost your way a bit but want to keep the marriage alive, maybe it's worth a try - with a skillful counsellor.

This is sort of where I see us. The real anger has only come out in the last year, and I think it is genuine frustration most of the time because we seem unable to have a "healthy" argument i.e. we have both gotten a little mean when rowing about, in my instances, stupid shit. We need some help with how we communicate with each other.

Just to clarify here- he gets ragey and shouty, but he doesn't intimate and isn't abusive. For example, at the weekend when the "straw broke the camels back" he just burst out realllllly shouting in the middle of a heated debate, and then literally walked away to cool off.

From a professional point of view, counselling doesn't save a lot of relationships because by the time couples go for it, it's too late. In those scenarios it can be helpful to smooth the ending though so still isn't necessarily pointless. Agreements can end up being far more amicable etc. But if it's earlier on then it could well be successful!