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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Comparisons stealing away my joy

21 replies

Toodleo · 06/01/2020 13:26

I've never been one to compare, genuinely never been bothered. I came from a crap upbringing so have always been quite proud of the way I keep my life together in general and of the things I've achieved.

But there's just this one friend.

And every time I see her I feel like she's winning at life and I should be doing so much better. The whole meet-up seems to centre around achievements, goals and money.

"We have booked 3 holidays this year, have you booked any yet?"

"Are you still separating from DH? My DH and I are now volunteering at a homeless shelter together every Wednesday- it's lovely to be making a difference together."

"DCs went to 4 different friends houses from school over xmas, did your DCs visit anyone?"

"Over Christmas we were invited to so many places and waited on hand and foot, where did you go?"

"DH and I got pissed together on New Years Eve and had loads of sex, it was great-what did you do?"

"I've had a promotion, how is your work going?"

"I'm doing a triathlon in September, have you taken up running yet?"

I feel crap after every meeting.

No holidays booked- can't afford one.

Still leaving DH.

DCs have seen their cousins over Xmas and that's it because one has autism and people find him hard work so wouldn't palm him off to friends.

We hosted the entire family because they're all useless and expect us to host them. My parents infact can't host us because they are currently homeless and sleeping on a friend's sofa.

DH sat downstairs and I sat upstairs on NYE. I drank hot chocolate and was asleep by 10.30 because my suspected autoimmune condition flared up again.

I'm struggling to make ends meet in a boring job, but stuck with it until DS3 starts school.

No running. I am having tests for autoimmune conditions as I wake up not being able to walk on my right foot most mornings and any strenuous exercise causes me pain and a limp.

I was nowhere near as blunt in my responses as this, but this is how I feel when I compare our 2 lives.

It's hard to feel happy for other people right now, probably sounds selfish and lame and I know I probably have much more going for me than I realise. Every meet-up with this one friend leaves me feeling inferior and failing. She is competitive by nature from what I have observed over the years, although would always deny it. She seems to be in a happy confident place in life right now; I am muddling through as best I can. I have known her belittle others when she has felt threatened before, but she has absolutely no reason to feel threatened by me.

Just looking for a handhold.

OP posts:
Justtryingtobehelpful · 06/01/2020 13:36

No one is completely okay. We all have one face to the public and another to ourselves.
I suggest journalling. Naming it all will help you sort out what really matters.
Read lots of books, find ones which help take you out of your slump - The Happiness Project, The Courage to be Disliked, etc.
Research family dynamics and see how you can feel more in control of your place within your own extended family.
Join support groups for your son to find other famous to connect with who are in the same boat.
Focus on yourself and your family.
Read up on how to have more connection with your husband.
Just some thoughts.....
Most of us are in your boat - trying to find ways to live a more meaningful life, step by step.....

22esmeweatherwax · 06/01/2020 13:37

Sounds like she is being tactless and isn’t a kind friend to ask questions like this if she has any knowledge of your circumstances. I would give her a wide berth for a while as these meetings might be making her feel better but they clearly aren’t working for you. Not unreasonable at all to say you don’t want to meet for a while. You are coping with a great deal.

jeremypaxo · 06/01/2020 13:45

Anyone who meets up with a friend in your situation and brags to them about how great their life is, isn't worth having as a friend. Kick her to the curb and best of luck with everything on your plate in 2020 Thanks

Chamomileteaplease · 06/01/2020 13:48

If you always feel worse after meeting up with her then I suggest not meeting up with her Grin.

I hope you have some other, much nicer friends Smile.

BeyondMyWits · 06/01/2020 13:58

I would just pootle along with my own life and nod and smile when meeting up to be honest. All that crap is important to some people... it seems to define them, if they are not off on holiday/out and about they feel lost for something to talk about.

I have a couple of different types of friends -

I had a really bad Christmas and New Year. One type of friend knows this and asks how I am coping. The other type doesn't know, because our conversations have been full of their "stuff".

But I value both sets. It is nice to know that I am the first thought of some friends, but also nice that I can escape from my life into the lives of others.

picklemepopcorn · 06/01/2020 14:00

Unless there is some hidden backstory and you know she's actually really insecure and unhappy, then I can't imagine why you keep meeting with her.

Unless she thinks she's being helpful with suggestions for what makes life work better?

I'd ditch her. Or if you don't want to, gently pull her leg about her constant bragging. Answer 'only three? I'm aiming for at least six holidays- it's such a bind' or 'oh we used to do that, that's when it all went pear shaped cos he was flirting with the homeless guys' etc.

AlwaysMessingUp · 06/01/2020 14:02

No one's life is perfect and it sounds to me like she is trying way too hard to make out that hers is.

If I were you, I would take a step back from this friend.

hellsbellsmelons · 06/01/2020 14:03

Why is she a friend?
She sounds fucking horrible!
Knowing what you are going through and saying those things just shows she gives no shits about you or your feelings.
Please stop meeting up with her.
She is NOT your friend.
She is NOT good for you!!!
Drop her!

UpperLowercaseSymbolNumber · 06/01/2020 14:06

She isn’t your friend. She is a jellyfish who uses your comparative situations to feel better about herself.

Life is too short to spend it with people who make you feel bad about yourself.

nibdedibble · 06/01/2020 14:09

What chamomileteaplease said! You are holding a lot together there, don't let her get you down!

andstillsomehowhere · 06/01/2020 14:15

She's either tactless or full of shit. Don't know why someone would insist on detailing their every moment THEN ask you if yours matched up? If you've been friends for a long time she will know your circumstances. Tend to find the people who show off about their lives are the ones who arent really happy but can't admit it. You have done amazingly well and are happy until she starts her belittling so politely break ties or see it for what it is, her trying to 'win'. A secure person doesn't need to compete x

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 06/01/2020 14:16

She may be winning at life but she's not winning at being a friend. Flowers

Toodleo · 06/01/2020 14:18

That is true @OutwiththeOutCrowd

OP posts:
yellowallpaper · 06/01/2020 14:22

She sounds like a typical Instagram fuckwit. I'd distance myself and ignore all the bragging because that's what it is

Jomarchsburntskirt · 06/01/2020 14:27

I had a friend similar who reminded me every time I saw her how naughty my daughter used to be when she was tiny. She mentioned it every single time for donkey’s years. I’ve now decided not to have any further contact with you. If I were you I’d do the same. Friends should boost you and make you feel happy not be goady and braggy. No one deserves a friend like this. She probably making it up how great her life is anyway. Happy people don’t generally go on and on about it. 💐

minnie465 · 06/01/2020 14:35

Bin her. With friends like that who needs enemies 🤷‍♀️

Toodleo · 06/01/2020 14:43

In her defence, she doesn't kmow half of the issues. I haven't told her about DS's autism diagnosis yet. I just don't think she interested when I speak anyway- always only half listening.

OP posts:
Spied · 06/01/2020 14:43

She's enjoying looking in on your woes. Makes her feel better about her life.
Am sure there must be cracks somewhere that she papers over -or you have some attribute that she is envious of else she wouldn't use your misfortunes to inflate her ego.
She's not a friend.

gavisconismyfriend · 06/01/2020 14:47

It sounds as if she has very low self-esteem and/or a pretty rubbish life in reality and needs to make herself feel better by bigging herself and her family up. I’d guess that all may not be as it seems.... But that doesn’t mean you should be made to feel rubbish. Either mention to her that you’re having a difficult time and see if she supports you or just reduce contact with her. She has the right to boast about her life, but you have the right to protect your own mental and emotional well-being by not engaging with her.

BumbleBeee69 · 06/01/2020 14:49

She isn’t your friend. She is a jellyfish who uses your comparative situations to feel better about herself.

Agreed.. this loser is not your friend.. stop meeting her.. Flowers

nibdedibble · 06/01/2020 15:41

I bet she's not telling you any of her woes, as well (not that that's a competition either!).

I've a friend whom I love for who she is (funny and loyal and kind) but she get a bit iffy sometimes with her mental health and if I mention things I am doing (eg cooking something new/reading a French novel) she isn't able to see those things as part of really quite a messy and not always great life, she withdraws for a time. So I don't really chat about things like that with her! Your situation is different but your friend isn't reading you and that's a shame. Don't feel bad about not seeing her!

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