I have lost my optimism. Help me find it.

[KnickerBockerAndrew]

Probably wrong board for this, but it is kind of to do with my relationships with others.

I was always a kind and optimistic person, trying to see the best in people and not saying anything if I didn't have anything nice to say. I feel like I've become so negative in the last year. I find myself gossiping too much, more people are getting on my nerves, I'm not as sunny or cheerful and I actually think I'm not as nice a person as I was.

There are reasons for this, of course- had many people treat me badly in the last few years, was treated for depression in early 2019, plus politics is divisive and I think that does effect people. Because of the way I was treated- particularly by one friend, who I loved and trusted and who turned on me horribly- I have felt the need not to be as much of a doormat as I once was. But that shouldn't mean negativity.

I feel like I've lost the essence of who I am.

Has anyone else had this? Anyone with any tips on how I can find nice me again?!

Try starting with the small things, if you catch yourself moaning to yourself about say a queue taking for ever, think 'does it matter, I have the time?'. Somebody does something daft driving in front of you - even good drivers make off mistakes. Kind of practice thinking of reasons why people may do seemingly negative things. It's not a perfect world, but you can't change it usually, you can change your response to it.
Your ego has taken a hit from your friends treatment. I find if you are kind and positive to people around you, it's reflected back and makes you feel better, so there's a bit of 'fake it till you make it'. Might help to pull you out of negative thoughts.

Thanks open. I think a lot of it stems from insecurity too- I feel a bit shit and so am jealous of other people, finding fault with them. I'll try doing as you've suggested.

Sorry you're feeling the way you do, I've experienced something similar. Try and avoid negativity or, at the very least, don't respond to it. By removing yourself from negative situations you should hopefully find life becomes more peaceful. When people treat you badly, you should consider if there might be a reason for it before responding. Sometimes you just need to let other people do or say what they want and step back from it rather than become involved or dwell on it. Focus on you and find something that helps you relax and that you enjoy, you'll then feel in a better place to deal with things as they happen.

You can not change others peoples actions only your reactions.

Do things that make you feel good and build on your own confidence and don't respond to negativity. Don't dwell on things that can't be changed and learn from them and think about how you would do thing differently.

It's ok to acknowledge you're sad. You can't force emotions to go away because you don't want them. If you try to bury sadness and pain it'll come out in other ways. If you acknowledge it and allow yourself to cry and grieve you can let go of it.

Your personality hasn't changed, you've been through a hard time and it takes time to get over it. The trouble is that when you feel negative it often leads to further negativity - that's unrelated to the real problem and being used as a form of denial because the real sadness is a bit hard to face.

Be kind to yourself, and remember your feelings are as important as anyone else's, and of utmost importance to you.

You can't give if you have nothing to give, and if nobody is depositing into your emotional bank account, you must do it. So be kind to yourself, do nice things for yourself, don't beat yourself up, let go of guilt, tell yourself it's not you it's them. You are a great person. Tell yourself. You're a great friend. Spend time with the nicest people in your life, the ones that give back. Fill up your bank account, its your turn to be a receiver.

Could have written this post myself. You are not alone. Hope things improve for you. I am so negative that I barely recognise myself nowadays. Wishing you well. and sound advise from above about depositing in your own emotional bank. :)

Are you surrounded by negative people? I've just left a job which was horribly gossipy. I never worked anywhere like it and staff were treated horribly which led to resentment. I didn't recognise myself so I've left. It's easy with a job because you can just leave. With politics I've tried to disengage a bit as it was affecting me too and seeing so much vitriol all over the shop on social media. See if you can pinpoint a few things/ relationships which aren't helping and then let them go out reduce time spent on them.

Watch and learn from others. I work with a woman who is always kind. Always patient even with the most difficult people. I compare my moody and cynical reactions which are based on me and not the person. It's my issue sometimes no one elses.
She genuinely likee people and her job. Everyday I try to take a leaf out of her book and find a better way to respond to the world.
The world sometimes, not always, returns the gesture.
It makes life a little less fractious. I had to relearn happiness and peace within myself and some of it came from dislike of myself. A kinder me emerged once I got out of my own way, stopped speaking negatively to myself and slowed down a bit. I stopped putting pressure on myself about everything.
It's not easy ut it helps when there is someone showing u how.

I’ve learnt to be much nicer thanks to a friend of mine. She’s so lovely and smiley and never seems to be negative for no reason.
I look at the miserable and negative people in my life and think it’s such a waste of energy. I know how I prefer to be and don’t see the point of being miserable and negative as a default. Yes, we can all have bad days when it’s justified but it’s such a waste to be like that constantly.

Find out what puts you in a more positive mood and do more of it.
Exercise, mindfulness, nature, remembering what you’re grateful for, comedy on tv, uplifting books, TED Talks, playing with my kids, going out with my friends are all things that help me.

Thank you all so much. This all really helps. I had counselling this time last year, and tbh what a pp said about acknowledging sadness is a big thing for me. It has taken a long time for me to get over the process of counselling. It was so, so hard and I wasn't ready for it.
I'm going to try and be more thankful, because that has worked for me in the past. Concentrate on the wonderful things in my life and the kindness of people.

I'm self-employed and I love my job, so not surrounded with negativity there at all. However, DP had a horrible spell of depression about a year ago, and living with someone else's sadness is so fucking hard. He left me for a while, but we'r back together now- but maybe the experience of trying to be strong for him took it out of me.

Why is it so important to you to be a nice person?

Because it makes me happy, I like people more and I like the world more. The world is a kinder place when I show it kindness.

Do you mean that people are nicer when you are nice to them? Why do you think that is?

No, that's not what I mean. Kindness is its own reward, isn't it, because you feel better having ensured that your interactions are pleasant for everyone concerned.

I'm just wondering why you feel better when you're nice - sounds a little bit like you might be afraid of not being a nice person? I might be imagining it.

I like it when I get up the energy to be nice to people because when I'm nice, they are nice back: I like it when you see someone that appears to be unfriendly, but you say your stupid joke or whatever and they turn all friendly after all. I've cheered them up and they've cheered me up, it's mutual.

I'd bet that you are just as nice as before, and just need some cheering up.

I understand despite being seriously ill last year a colleague turned on me,
Over something I hadn't done
It doesn't stop there the last ten years have been the same with so called friends. I'm starting to trust people less and less now
So I'm bookmarking for other responses. Need tips too x

You might be right raven - I am probably afraid of not being nice, and when I stand up for myself (completely reasonably) I do have feelings of shame.
So sorry you're feeling the same whydoi- it's awful isn't it. I've been in some crap relationships but nothing is as bad as being badly treated by a friend. I think it's made me isolate myself a bit, emotionally and physically. I used to walk all the time, I never do it now.

@KnickerBockerAndrew it really hurts having a friend treat you in that way, so you feeling as you do is a method of ensuring you do not feel that hurt again so soon, a sort of self protection?
But, there is nothing wrong with being authentic? On some level trying to please people is draining and exhausting and although hurt there must be a relief of setting new boundaries in the future?
Why not write a letter saying exactly how you feel about the situation and then burn in/ destroy it.
Draw a line under this accept you feel hurt and then put the energy into just accepting you feel like this at the moment and that is fine?
Feelings change all the time if you had it difficult recently you are bound to be feeling low?
Be extra kind to yourself now treat yourself like your own best friend and make yourself a priority 💐