I don’t think my husband loves me anymore

[Wonderingwhereitallwentwrong]

Hi all,

I’m convinced that my husband no longer loves me and I have no idea what to do. Our relationship is really wearing me down. Essentially he shows no physical affection towards me...he would say this was initiated by me as unfortunately a few years so due to awful life events I had a bit of a breakdown suffering with terrible anxiety and depression and I went into my shell a bit. I also suffer with recurrent UTIs from sex. But there are other ways to be intimate surely? Yesterday he was giving the dog a massage (yes really) and I was sat there thinking you’d never do that to me.

He was away all weekend and I think we exchanged about 5 very basic texts in that whole time and when he got home he barely talked to me. I feel very alone most of the time.

I have recently been diagnosed with a chronic illness which has been very hard and I feel like he shows very little sympathy and talks like he would just be fine if it was happening to him.

I have also put on a fair bit of weight due to medication I have been on and although I’m not that big (1-2kg above healthy bmi) I feel like he doesn’t find me attractive anymore. When I say I feel fat, he tends to agree with me :( whereas although he has a bit of a tummy, I would never say he was fat because when you love someone it doesn’t really matter?

I just feel like I’m a burden and he resents me being ill and tells me he loves me but I don’t believe him...

I know if I confront him, he will stonewall me which is what he usually does whenever we try to discuss anything.

OP - I am sorry you are feeling low, and soon many people would come here to tell you that it’s all your H’s fault and that you need to leave, etc.

However - relationships can’t be one way. It takes two. I have been depressed and struggled with anxiety myself. I know it made me very difficult to be around and it takes a toll on a partner.
In your post you describe years of you suffering with all kinds of issues. Fair enough, it was hard for you. But you must also realise it was hard for your H and he has to adjust and find some way to live with that.
You seem to fault him for not continuously trying to perk you up and make you feel better.
He can’t be your cheerleader, not over long term anyway. It’s not fair on him and removes responsibility from you to take care of you.
If you want to change your relationship and make it warmer and more engaged - you need to start with yourself. If you want a massage - give one to him. If you want conversations and texts - start those conversations. Stop talking about feeling fat, expecting him to say it’s OK - either do something about it yourself, or accept it as is.
It’s unfair to be a passive party in a relationship expecting your partner to be the main source of your happiness.

Thanks for your message. I see your point and maybe I’ve come across wrong, I don’t expect my dh to make me happy all the time and take responsibility, I just expect a little support and sympathy - I get virtually none. Umm and as for the massage and intimacy whenever i try he pushes me away as he doesn’t like that sort of thing.

I'd agree with the first post, there will be people along to tell you he's a cunt who should be massaging your feet and reading you poetry nightly

But a relationship does take two, and mental illness is difficult to live with, no matter the cause, then an inability to have sex, and then a chronic illness, none of it your fault, but takes a toll on any relationship for both parties,

I think you need to talk to each other, understand each other, and try to move forward together to meet both your needs, not just yours as they are more pressing.

Did he ever show intimacy when you first got together? I mean, is this a total change in behaviour from him, or did he start out as not very touchy-feely and simply get worse?

Because it could either be that he finds being with someone who depends on him a good deal rather oppressive, or he may just have reverted to type and not have it in him to be affectionate.

@Bluntness100 again take your point but he refuses to talk about things and doesn’t seem to want to move forward.

Yeah he did but he only likes sex basically, doesn’t like being touched, stroked etc so i find it hard. It’s like if we cant have sex then he’s not interested

So he was never tactile at all. Was your entire relationship based on the sex you can no longer have? Because it doesn't sound like much of a relationship, with no touching apart from sex.

I've just split up from a man after eight years because he found even cuddling in bed to be too much and he'd leap away after sex. Made me feel like a sex worker, to be honest.

He sounds awful OP, he shouldn't be agreeing you're fat, he should reply by reassuring you that he still finds you attractive, you're not that big etc- especially if he's not that slim himself.

And you're not asking for anything unreasonable wanting your 'D'H to text affectionate texts and be demonstrative and supportive. xxx

The thing is, it’s not in your gift to change him. It’s up to him to want to change and to want to give. However he has emotionally checked out. If he ever checked in.

So what are you going to do?

You don’t sound happy, you don’t sound fulfilled, you don’t sound optimistic things will improve.

What is your marriage giving you that improves your life? Did you ever have things in common? Tv shows, music, holidays, plans for the future?

Do you tell him you love him? Do you mean it? If so what do you love about him and how can you see things improving? Would you both consider counselling? Would things be better if you split up?

I know EXACTLY how you feel. This was my relationship for the last 3 years. Husband showing the cat more love and respect than me. He’s left me know and I ve started to see how abnormal our marriage was. It sounds like he’s checked out of the relationship. Take back the control and move on without him. If I can do it then you can. X