Feel a failure

[Itsallpointless]

My DD is getting married this year. When discussing wedding invites, I am very conscious I have nobody who has been in my DC life to invite, no constants.

I was in a very bad relationship with their father, abusive, and spent most of our time with my mum and stepdad, I and they were happy with this, but I realise I haven't nurtured any family friends. This upsets me deeply and the wedding brings it all to the fore.

I feel I have completely failed them in not providing this. Their fathers family do not bother with them, there was no falling out, just laziness on their part. I am also single, so no other half/families to invite either.

I am incredibly sad, and feel a total failure/loser that I chose a dreadful father/family for my DC.

I do not mention this, and DD is very happy with her chosen guests, but I can't help feeling this way

I’m sure you’ve done the absolute best you could with the hand you were dealt. And it saves DD a headache with seating plans and the extra cost of loads and loads of distant relatives and family friends wanting a free feed on someone else’s money.

What a strange reply QueenofPain

Itsallpointless it can be very difficult when relationships break down and natural for you to spend time with your parents. You’re not a failure 💐 Don’t invite people for the sake of it.

I can empathise as I felt similar at my DFs funeral, apart from my DH, there was no-one else there for me.

Look forward. Do you have friends? Your DD is getting married and your parents getting older perhaps now would be the time to nurture friendships

How was it strange? I’m sure she did do the best she could with the hand she was dealt, having an abusive husband and seeking solace with close family?

And it’s a common bone of contention parents wanting to invite loads of random people and distant family to the wedding and the bride and groom having to cut out actual wanted guests to accommodate for it.

It was the ‘wanting free food on someone else’s money’ comment.

OP we had 'family friends' growing up and none of them will be invited to my wedding.

In fact, when my brother got married my dad told him not to bother inviting his siblings (dad sees them often, I've only seen two on them in the last decade and one of them was at a funeral).

It'll make my life so much easier not worrying about who my parents want there. It's my wedding.

Your daughter is happy with the people in her life. Don't feel sad.

Please don't feel like this OP. You haven't let her down. When I was growing up my parents had various friends. None came to my wedding or became a meaningful presence in my adult life. What was important at the wedding was that my friends were there, not my parents'! And my Mum of course.

Various of my friends got married and their parents (who had, to be fair, paid for a chunk of the wedding) invited loads of their own friends, which felt a bit strange to be honest.

Please don't feel like you've failed her. She knows she is loved and the important people will be there, you and her grandparents.

DH and I wanted a small wedding (parents and siblings) dh aunt kicked off when she found out, we ended up with over 200 guests instead of the 10 we wanted, because we had agreed if we invited one aunt we'd have to invite all of them. (we planned to have a huge reception for the family, but they wanted to come to the ceremony) Problem is although dhs family is small, his mum has a sister and dad has 2 brothers, my dad is one of 13 and mum is one of 5, so numbers grew obscenely. But we couldn't only invite some and not others, that's unfair.

Thank you all for your replies.

I do know I've done the very best I could, given my circumstances, but I still feel I'm not 'enough'. Unfortunately DM and DSF are deceased, so no grandparents either. I do have 2 (possibly 3) siblings that will attend.

My DD and her fiancé are very happy with wedding arrangements, I would never expect my friends to be invited unless there was a close bond between them.

I'm feeling very low at the moment as my DSF only passed away last month, my close family is gradually dwindling away. The wedding magnifies my losses, and my lack of those constant companions in my life.

Luckily there will be no 'top table' as there is another issue on fiancés side, otherwise I'd have been sitting there alone too (which I would've done) so that eases things slightly.

I wish my DD the absolute best wedding day ever, and would always try my best to ensure she doesn't pick up any of my 'sad' vibes.

Thank you all once again