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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Crippled by guilt

10 replies

Nogoodwithgoodbyes · 06/01/2020 03:13

My marriage is breaking up. We made the decision together last May but it is clear to me that H would rather we stay together. We got drunk the other night and he tried to hold my hand. When I wouldn't, he got angry and kept saying 'but you're my wife!' I felt so sorry for him. I have come around to the idea of us not being together forever anymore but I don't think he has.

I guess we were both at fault but the catalyst for me was the way I was being treated at the time. I'm sure I annoyed him too but he would use crass language towards me and be very hard on me. It got to be too much. Since we've decided to separate, he has been so much nicer. He is a good person but I'm too far gone.

Any of you who have gone through this, how did you cope with the guilt? I know, in a way, I shouldn't feel it. I have been faithful etc. but it's like I can feel his emotions as well as my own and I just want to make everything better for him.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/01/2020 03:17

Lose the guilt by knowing if you take him back, he will soon go back to being the abusive bully he really is. You didn't ruin your marriage, he did.

Nogoodwithgoodbyes · 06/01/2020 17:18

Thanks. God it’s tough!

OP posts:
Therebythedoor · 07/01/2020 07:08

It's tougher living with someone who you don't love and who doesn't, or won't, acknowledge it's over.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/01/2020 12:04

So you agreed in May to separate but are still living together?
Why aren't you separated yet?
That is your next big step OP.
You need to be away from each other.
How practical is that?

cravingthelook · 07/01/2020 12:07

You need out, it was what saved my head. I can't believe I lived in the same house for 3 months after the split.

You are not responsible for his feelings only your own

Nogoodwithgoodbyes · 07/01/2020 16:57

Thanks. Believe me, I’ve been trying but the rental market is just impossible where I live and its surrounds. I’ve been to so many viewings and for many reasons, nothing has worked out. I’m actually starting to feel seriously down about how hard it is to get accommodation.

OP posts:
Acuppaplease · 07/01/2020 17:35

What’s the matter with the rental ? Can’t you find a compromise ?

Nogoodwithgoodbyes · 07/01/2020 20:48

I can’t find anywhere that I can afford. I don’t want to say where I live but there are slim pickings and the prices are exorbitant. I’ve looked far and wide. The last place I viewed had 50 people viewing it, so I wasn’t chosen! It’s just taking a lot of time and is harder than I thought it’d be.

OP posts:
crestar · 07/01/2020 22:23

Lose the guilt by knowing if you take him back, he will soon go back to being the abusive bully he really is. You didn't ruin your marriage, he did.

So we've heard all about what he did but what exactly was it that you did?

Nogoodwithgoodbyes · 08/01/2020 20:31

I’ve done a lot of therapy and work on all of this and I know I put up with more than I should. No one is perfect but I know that’s true.

Thanks to those of you who gave advice

OP posts:
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