Lack of laughter, desire and feeling. Split?

[sammiches79]

Thinking of leaving my oh but I don't have the guts. I'm not even 100% sure about it as when I've tried to broach it a few times (months ago) he's said this is how lots of marriages are. I don't think they are but I wonder if most people just put up with how they feel?

Oh hasn't done anything wrong intentionally, he just annoys the hell out of me and I'm constantly on edge with him. He works away a lot and I find myself looking forward to him leaving and dreading his coming back. We haven't had sex since 2014, the thought of it (with him) makes me shudder, we don't kiss hello, goodbye, goodnight, don't hold hands, don't touch each other. We sleep in the same bed but never touch. He occasionally makes a comment about wanting me and I clam up, thinking about touching him or kissing him makes me nauseous. We've been together 17 years, married for 10 and have 2 ds, 8 and 5.

Also we never laugh together, like properly laugh. There is no banter and I feel like I haven't laughed in years with him. We regularly get a babysitter and go out for meals but I feel like I'm with a stranger, we just talk about the boys and conversation is very stilted. On car journeys and at mealtimes with ds there's often silence and I worry the boys will think that's normal or we'll turn into one of those couples who sit in silence in restaurants. I've mentioned all this to him and he says we talk lots and he doesn't see it how I do. I once didn't speak intentionally on a drive and it took 2hrs for him to say anything to me.

I think I want to leave as have felt like this a long time. I'm terrified to do it though. I have a very small income, less than £10k, he makes around £60k. We live in a lovely neighbourhood, great school and I panic about taking the boys away from it, I'd never be able to afford anywhere around here by myself.

I've thought about counselling but really feel my love has gone and that's not something I can get back. He's constantly telling me he loves me and how he couldn't live without me. He's back to work (down south) this week after 2 weeks at home for Christmas, so I put up with it as only have 3 nights a week with him and can live happily with my ds the rest of the time. They chat, laugh and the atmosphere is completely different when just us 3. When he's there it's like nobody can think of anything to say.

I've also suffered with depression and anxiety for years and I wonder if that's a factor of being in this marriage? Was recently put on prozac. Help!!! Is this how some people live? Is this just normal to be annoyed by your husband or should I do something about it, I don't know if I'm overreacting. Does your husband make you laugh and do you ever run out of conversation? With friends I can chat for hours, so can he. Just feel so down in the dumps. Any help really welcomed, thank you.

I don’t have the answer but wanted to say you’re not alone. I’m in the same boat with my marriage. It’s boring with very few laughs. Just want some fun and passion in my life!

He works away a lot and I find myself looking forward to him leaving and dreading his coming back. We haven't had sex since 2014, the thought of it (with him) makes me shudder

No wonder you're depressed and anxious. What a miserable way to live. Life is very short and very precious. You are wasting yours and I hope you make the changes you know you need to.

Does he talk to you about your lack of sex life? Does it bother him? I ask because my husband would go mad in that situation and would leave.

You sound like strangers. Imagine the next 10 years like this.

You say you have a small income, are you working part-time?

Agree with @Aquamarine1029 life is short. Don’t waste yours in a loveless trap.

Your concerns about your sons are important but it’s not impossible to split up and still give your children the same life - you’ll just need to plan it and try to go about things fairly and amicably.

How do you think he would react if you told him you wanted to end the marriage?

I think you can overcome a lot of these difficulties but it will take real determination and conviction from you both. Long term relationships can be very mundane, lifeless and downright boring. It is possible to put a spark back in your relationship if you really really want it. I don't claim that it is easy mind you especially as you have no desire for that at the moment. All I can say is that living as a single parent with very little money sucks the life and soul out of you and could be an equally miserable life as you have now. You have some difficult decisions to make.

I think that it's not "normal" exactly for a marriage to be like this, but I'd bet it's fairly common.

You shouldn't live like this, you're obviously unhappy. You say you like the 4 days a week when he works away - if you split you'll be able to spend all your days away from him. You'd be able to stay in your home with your children, and it will leave your husband able to find a partner who loves him and enjoys his company, which is also important as the ideal situation would be having both of you living enjoyable and fulfilling lives.

Good luck in whatever you decide, op

User987, I've mentioned it when I've gotten angry and he's just laughed it off. He'll joke about it every now and then but honestly doesn't seem bothered really. He's not mentioned it for at least 6 months.

Kerning. Yes part time in my own small business. I'm mostly sahm.

Sadie789, I know he'd be devastated. He's always telling me how much he loves and needs me.

Windymiller, I don't know if I could stay in our home, I couldn't afford it and he wouldn't surely pay the mortgage if he doesn't live here? Cause I only have to spend weekends and holidays with him I wonder if that's doable? It seems so drastic when he's so happy and so are ds, it would uproot and upset everyone and we might end up a lot worse off and in a worse place. 😔

It seems so drastic when he's so happy and so are ds

I don't believe for a second that your children aren't aware how unhappy you are. Children always know. They are much more emotionally sensitive than adults.

I'm in a very similar situation OP.

There is nothing wrong with my DH but there is no joy in the house for me when he is here. Sometimes I can feel my shoulders stiffen when he is around and I feel so much more at ease when he isn't here.

Your DC are learning that marriages are loveless, joyless and not to expect intimacy - either physical or emotional.

What do you think your H learned about marriage from his parents?

If you leave now, you'll be teaching your boys that they deserve more from relationships. That they deserve not just teamwork and shared finances, but an emotional commitment to and from another human being.

I hesitated to write this, but have you wondered if he is getting sex elsewhere, i.e. when he's working away? I don't know any men who would go without sex for 6 years if they still desired their partner - which it sounds like is the case here.

I strongly suggest seeing a solicitor just to find out what settlement you could expect if you were to divorce him. As you have been the primary caregiver and I assume you downsized your career in order to do that, you might well be entitled to more than 50% of the equity. Also speak to CAB and/or use the calculators at entitledto.co.uk to see what you would get in benefits.

You and your boys deserve more than this half-life.

Your relationship with your DH sounds mundane. I'm guessing you're still quite young and you don't need to accept this, there is more to life. Leaving a relationship because you are unhappy is ok you know.

I'm guessing you're been plodding along BECAUSE he works away and you don't have to see him too much. My parents stayed together much longer than they would have done because they barely had to see each other. You also seem quite happy with your children and their company which would explain your reasons for continuing with DH as the main earner whilst you care for the children and work minimally. It's easy to end up in a situation like yours.

Not having sex since 2014 is not normal. Your romantic relationship has clearly run its course. You don't have to leave if you are happy with the set-up as it is, but if you are craving intimacy and connection and want to teach your children about healthy romantic relationships then you should begin plotting your escape.

I am plotting mine and my first step is leaving him with the children for 1 whole day every other weekend whilst I escape, run errands and then plan my future in a dark cafè whilst he gets used to parenting alone.

We have a parenting schedule which he knows nothing about; I even 'work late' twice a week so that he can get used to the way it's going to be.

we don't kiss hello, goodbye, goodnight, don't hold hands, don't touch each other. We sleep in the same bed but never touch. He occasionally makes a comment about wanting me and I clam up, thinking about touching him or kissing him makes me nauseous.

You're not lovers. You're housemates who are co-parenting (at least, this is what it's like on your side). Why do you feel nauseaous? As in, what is it about him that is so bad that it inspired this visceral reaction? Have you ever had an intimate relationship with any other man besides him before? If so, how were you then? Have you ever felt good being around him intimately? The nausea could come from your medication, emotions and just a lack of physical attraction. Are you attracted to other men? Do you think you could be be asexual? Do you have traumas in your past?

Skimming through your post, you haven't had sex since your youngest was conceived, maybe 6 years ago? And the thought of him even kissing you makes you skin crawl?

I'd say your marriage has run its course. This happens, and its probably neither person's fault. You have been together for almost 20 years though, so you should probably give it one last go. You'll both need to talk, really talk, no matter how uncomfortable this makes the both of you. You'll need counselling. But if this doesn't work, and odds are it won't, you'll need to separate. Neither of you sound happy at the moment.

He can't be happy either surely? It's not fair on either of you to be in a passion less marriage where you dread him coming home.

When I've not wanted sex with my exes it spelled the end of the relationship. It was for different reasons each time.

See a solicitor and see where you stand and look at what benefits you would be entitled to and maybe look into getting a full time job to give you more financial freedom.

My marriage was so similar. He worked away , my kids at home , no income. So I stayed.

Turned out ,he was having an EA affair online.And then digressed further . ( Whole other thread on this )

So , after 30 years married, in my 50s , I have bugger all options. And I so regret it .

You are young, don't waste your life. Get yourself in a better financial position , make plans to leave when you are ready. You deserve to be with someone that you enjoy spending time with and want to have sex with.

I could have written this post. Exactly exactly the same as me. He asked me the other night if I dread him coming home from work, and I said no, just to save hurting him. But I so so so meant yes. He drains the life out of me. I don't want that anymore. Hope you find a way to start again x

Can you afford to rent a room somewhere? For example, the nights he is in the house you leave at 8pm and come back at 8am.
Or take up hobbies that get you out of the house?
Or visit family or friends?
Whatever you are doing isn't working.
Time to do something different.
Doesn't have to be drastic! Just different.

"He asked me the other night if I dread him coming home from work, and I said no, just to save hurting him."

You absolutely have to tell him the truth. I don't think you are being honest with yourself either. You aren't really worried about hurting his feelings. You are probably more worried about how uncomfortable it will be for you having to separate and make a new beginning.

Aquamarine. Ds know I'm upset and an merry at daddy but it isn't constantly. I know it's not a great relationship to present but I feel trapped now as would never be able to give them as much or such a great life as they have now. They are so happy as is oh.

Greeeen. That's great you're planning your leaving so well. Think I'm going to have to get a new job and start saving.

Bearski, RowenaMud, sorry you're in similar situations. Are you going to separate?

Wondersense. I'm still attracted to others (not so much since prozac) just the thought of anything sexual with him puts me off. Him kissing my head makes me shudder and I can feel it for ages after. I must have been attracted at some point but its long gone now. No spark, sexual attraction on my part at all. He thinks everything is fine though, thinks we chat and laugh fine and I honestly think he'd be happy never having sex again if it meant us staying together.

Stillfunny, sorry you went through this. I'm 40 now so still time to move just scared to start, hurt everyone, oh has done nothing wrong, works really hard for us all and us a lovely guy, just no attraction or spark for me but he is happy. I feel selfish at the thought of putting myself first as ds would have so much upheavel and upset. They know I get angry and have issues sometimes but they are overall happy and I'm scared to wreck trying to attain a new happiness for myself.

Thank you everyone for comments, they really help to read others opinions and hear from those who've been there.

Yes I would like to separate, but I know how much it would devastate dh. As you said, as far as my dh is concerned, he's quite happy never to have sex again if it means we stay together. So therefore I feel selfish for wanting that. And, how do I achieve happiness if I am upsetting so many around me??? If I could just know my boys were going to be ok, then I'd be ok. But, having said all this about massive doubts, every friend I know who has been through it has come out happier in the end, and everyone is fine. I think with most things in life, the thought is usually worse than the reality. There are only two options (I keep telling myself) - do nothing, or do something. Sending strength to everyone feeling stuck right now x x

OP would you consider just speaking to a solicitor to see where you stand? You're understandably concerned about finances so finding out what would happen if you were to separate might ease some of those worries. You don't have to go through with a separation but at least you'll be informed if you do decide to. Is there also an option for you to increase your hours and grow your business?

You say your DH hasn't done anything wrong but people don't have to do wrong in order to separate. Sometimes relationships run their course and couples grow apart without anyone having done anything wrong.

Your kids are surely too young to appreciate living in a nice house in a nice neighbourhood. They need to feel safe, secure and loved - you can do that without the trappings of a 'nice' lifestyle.

You've talked about the impact of splitting up on your DH and kids, but what about the impact on you if you stay? Don't you deserve to feel loved? You mentioned counselling upthread but I sensed you meant to try to make your relationship work? Perhaps you should seek counselling for yourself to help you work through your thoughts and feelings.