Help me to go to therapy (Possible Warning)

[Helpmetoseesense]

Hello

I’ve been reading Mumsnet threads for a few months now, and I’ve finally created an account and had the courage to post my own, after reading replies to similar threads.

This will be a long post so please bear with me!
When I was 16 I moved out due to my mums depression, and having to care for my siblings, and work stupid amounts of hours around school to help with the bills. I still feel guilty for this now, but that’s another story. I was offered a live in apprenticeship at the place I was working after school. There was a 21 year old man who also worked there, who had a lot of problems with drugs, and quite serious anger issues. He would be aggressive towards other members of staff and the animals we worked with for example. I was quite scared of him, but he was always quite nice to me. When I turned 16 he started being nicer towards me, and I think I was quite immature at the time, and wanted someone to talk to. One evening he asked if he could come over to chat, and being stupid and immature (I had never even kissed a boy) I agreed. He started kissing me, and as things progressed said something along the lines of ‘are you sure you want to have sex with me, it’s really important that you’re ok with this’. I agreed for some reason- I still don’t know why. He started trying to have sex with me, (No protection) and obviously I was in a lot of pain, I started crying and saying no, but he just kept on going. He said after that since I had agreed before that meant I had consented so I just kept quiet and continued to have sex with him regularly. I know I should have been on contraception but I couldn’t drive and had no one to ask to take me to the doctor (rural area) I eventually managed to make him wear a condom, but he would only do it if I promised to let him do whatever he wanted to me. I’m so embarrassed of some of the things I’ve done.
He would constantly tell me that the other girls he was having sex with had better bodies than me, that I was ugly, and that I should have sex with more people. This lead to me becoming very underweight, and starting to have panic attacks and severe depression. I was taken to the doctor when I tried to kill myself, and given Xanax, and referred to counselling for my anxiety. I went to one session, with a male therapist, who read through the questionnaire they ask you, and pointed to the questions about sex, he wouldn’t even read them... I was too scared to tell him anything, and at the time I didn’t believe that anything bad had happened, because I had consented, so I never went back. The man who I lost my virginity to told a few of his friends about me, and I ended up having sex with a lot of people, including men who were 29 and 35.

I am now in a stable happy relationship with a man I love very much, I have a different, unrelated job and live in a different town. I also know, from reading Mumsnet threads, that what happened was wrong, but I still blame myself 100% for getting in this situation. I get constant flashbacks, I regularly feel worthless, and embarrassed about how I look, but I am too scared to go to therapy. I am scared that it will affect my relationship with my partner. I haven’t told him because I haven’t managed to tell a single person exactly what happened, I’m scared people will call me a slut, or say I’m making it up and lying.

I just need someone on here to tell me that therapy will make it better, that I’m being unreasonable allowing thing that happened in the past to still affect me.

That was really difficult to write, thank you so much if you managed to read it.

Oh lovely...well done for opening up about this. You were young, vulnerable and groomed. You are absolutely right, it wasn’t your fault. I’m no expert but have had some issues in the past and therapy has helped me process things, challenge certain thoughts and make progress. I would hope that would therapy could do for you is help you to deal with the flashbacks and turn the words that you’re not to blame into a truth for you? It sounds like you know it’s not your fault but you struggle to believe it? I would specifically ask for a female therapist too.

I wonder if this might be better in the ‘relationships’ section? Chat can be busy whereas in Relationships people with better knowledge and understanding will be able to help. If you do want to move it, I’ll ‘report’ your post and ask Mumsnet HQ to move it for you.

Oh OP. You are very brave to write this down and brave to acknowledge the terrible things that you've been through, none of which have been your fault. You never consented to being abused. You were coerced and destroyed mentally so you weren't strong enough to escape.

But you have escaped and therapy will help.
I have gone through similar and I didn't do therapy for it but I ended up in therapy for eating disorders and self-harm which was a direct consequence of the actual abuse.

It will get better. It will. You are obviously very strong and you have support. Take each day as it comes and don't expect it to get better quickly. I think often it gets worse before it gets better because you are reopening wounds.

Be kind to yourself. You have been a victim, but you won't be forever. You'll be a survivor. You are a survivor. Much love and strength to you.

I did therapy for a thing that happened later and the things that happened earlier (and your post struck on a chord on many levels) came up in the end.

Yes it was worth it. It was painful. No one can magic away the shame (which isn't yours, it's his) . No one should have to suffer ptsd alone (but it is the loneliest condition)

Please go to therapy, with the right therapist you can come to an acceptance about what happened to you. You were raped and coerced into sex you didn't want and the blame lies squarely with the men who abused you so shamefully. Especially when we are young we can harbour feelings of guilt and shame when we know logically that the fault lies elsewhere and with others.

Yes go to therapy , talk it over and then you will be able to put it in a box mentally and move on

I’m being unreasonable allowing thing that happened in the past to still affect me.

I'm not going to tell you that because it's not true.

You're traumatised - that means by its definition that this stuff from the past still feels like it's part of the present for you. Not because of something you're doing wrong but because traumatic experiences affect our body and brain differently from regular experiences.

They don't get processed by the brain and turned into archived memories in the normal way so your brain can't tell they're gone and in the past (hence the flashbacks and all the other difficult feelings you still struggle with). That is not your fault, it's not something you can simply choose not to struggle with, it's caused by being traumatised. You are not causing it, the trauma is.

The right kind of trauma therapy can help with that. I would also agree about finding a female therapist. Learning about trauma also helps.

Even those feelings of blaming yourself are part of the trauma and your brain searching for ways to feel safe despite feeling under threat. It's a way of trying to make you feel safe again because if it is your fault then you can control it and prevent it from ever happening again, which makes you safe. Whereas the reality that it was not your fault and was beyond your control makes the world feel unsafe.

Although he described you as "consenting" (because he needed to convince you of that to protect himself from the consequences of raping you), do you recognise now that was not consent? Complying isn't consenting. What you've described was not consent.

Have you ever contacted Rape Crisis or looked at any of their resources?

You don't have to feel embarrassed for the things that were done to you. It was not your fault and you did not deserve it. I am so sorry that it happened to you and you've been having to live with this.

Go to therapy. Shop around. It is about finding the right therapist. Do not continue with therapy with anyone who doesn't feel right (I don't mean in the sense of sensitively challenging things that you say, I mean someone who doesn't let you talk or who keeps leaping in with assumptions about what has happened or how you feel that you know are wrong - I had a therapist who kept telling me that my mother wanted me to be a pretty feminine little girl which was really, really not true and he just would not accept that).

Just a thought... If you're not ready for therapy yet - which you might not be, and it's important that you're ready first for it to be effective - then doing some reading first might help you start healing?

I don't want to bombard you with reading suggestions when I don't know what would necessarily be right for you or even if you'd feel up to it, but one book that comes to mind is Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman.

It might help you start to process and make sense of things and understand how therapy might work in helping you.

Thank you all so much for your understanding.
@FaithInfinity thank you, you’re right, I know that it wasn’t my fault, but I think because he put so much effort into telling me that I had consented, when I hadn’t, it sort of makes me doubt myself. If you think it would be best to move the post please feel free.

@AloneLonelyLoner thank you again. I’m so glad to hear that things got better for you, and it gives me a lot of hope

@SonEtLumiere I don’t think for one moment my parter would call me a slut, it’s more I don’t feel that I would be able to explain it properly to him in a way that wouldn’t make me look bad? I spent ages writing this post to make sure it was factual and I feel slightly like I’d rather talk to a female friend or someone first before him, but I feel like they might judge me. I do trust him, and love him, but I’m scared he might see a mans point of view? I think it’s because I know I’ll probably downplay it and make it seem like it wasn’t as bad... I also feel like I want it to be in the past, and not to affect my future relationships? I’m 21 now, I’ve been in my current relationship for two years.

Thank you so much to everyone else, I wasn’t expecting to get so much support.

@ohwheniknow that makes so much sense.

I’m feeling quite emotional reading these responses, so I probably will come back and read more when I’ve composed myself.

It is absolutely not your fault OP. He was old enough to know better and he manipulated you knowing you were too young and naive to say no, so your 'consent' wasn't real, as a PP said, complying isn't consenting. Something similar happened to me, I was 14 and a 24 year old man coerced me into all sorts of things 14 year olds should not be doing. I'm 29 now and have very recently gone to the police and am making an appointment at the GP next week to ask for some counselling. I've gone through the same thought process as you, blaming yourself and thinking you consented so it must have been fine, the shame, not telling anyone, subsequent MH problems. If you like I would be happy to PM to chat more about it if you want someone to talk to x

I’ve asked MNHQ to move it.

We'll move this for you now OP

Well done for writing it down
Honestly the very fact you are writing this shows you realise a great wrong was done

Firstly by your mother and then by this vile vile vile man

Think of therapy as an investment and an emotional MOT , and shop
Around and choose one you feel is a fit

I am very saddened this happended, but you clearly are starting to realise you were wronged
Very much so

Just checking in OP. You ok?

Hi @Helpmetoseesense, that was obviously a very difficult post for you to write and you must be confused by the feelings that are haunting you from things that happened in the past. You have been badly let down and abused by your family and this vile man and his associates. No wonder you are feeling this way and these feelings are unlikely to resolve on their own so you are doing the right thing by considering therapy.

As someone who has hugely benefited from long term therapy I can highly recommend it to you. It can be life changing, it really can. Take your time and find someone who is accredited. The BACP website is very good. Sounds daft but I looked at the pictures and chose someone who I thought looked 'kind' and struck gold. I have been working with my therapist for a few years now. I did use a couple of other therapists sometime ago but I must admit I just didn't click with them.

As for any feelings you may have of embarrassment and shame, please be reassured that therapists aren't there to judge you although it may feel awkward at first telling them your experiences. I cried a river when I first went which I was embarrassed about but the feeling of relief is cathartic.

I would like to add that I haven't read anything you have said here and thought you deserve anything other than compassion and understanding for your experiences. It wasn't your fault. You deserved better.