Hi Mumsnetters,
This is my first post – I’ve never registered (until now), I’ve on the odd occasion lurked after coming across previous posts after googling varying things in the past.
This is going to be a long post, so I apologise in advance!
Today I came to the realisation that I need to leave my DH, I have been thinking on this for the past year and a half in truth, but after today it is the final straw.
Some background; DH and I have one DS who is 3. I am a full-time working Mum (as a PA in the public sector), my salary is £33k so is a decent wage. I work in London, we live (rent) in SE London where the rental prices are high. DS attends nursery 3 days a week, the 4th day I work from home so DS is at home with me. On the 5th day my Mum comes to look after DS.
DH works full-time, salary is almost 4 times what I earn. For periods of time he works abroad for 6 months at a time (sometimes longer). Recently has returned from 6 months in Europe working, whilst I remained in London. He would return every 4th week of the month for a week, and is back in London for now.
During our relationship he worked a year in OZ whilst we were engaged. I was able to take 6 months unpaid leave from my job to join him. He has also undertaken another 6 months in Europe which started a couple of weeks before we got married and he returned every 2nd or 3rd weekend to London.
In hindsight problems seemed to have started right after we got married, but majorly changed immediately after DS was born.
DH and I have separate accounts; DH point blank refused to have a joint account whatsoever. Which to be honest I never had a problem with. He pays the rent. Where we live was of his choosing as he wanted to be close to London. I didn’t have any say in the matter despite my reservations over the cost of the rent. DH also pays for the 3 days for DS nursery (which is to be 2 days soon due to the free government hours). DS has attending nursery since he was 1 year old. Which in total, rent and nursery is around £2.5k a month – so a very large amount a month. He of course also has his own expenses – phone, lunch costs, travel to work etc.
DH see’s his money as his, and his alone. I see my money as “for us” as a family, and I have never asked DH for any money or anything infact. I do not even like to say what I’d like as a birthday/Christmas gift when I’ve been asked by him.
I pay all utility bills (gas, electric, water), the council tax, food shopping (£400 a month), everything for the household as and when needed (bedding, plates, etc.), I buy all the birthday/Christmas gifts for both mine and DH’s family, the cost to run a car (purchased by myself) ie. Petrol, tax, insurance. I also buy everything needed for DS ie. All clothes, shoes, birthday/Christmas presents, buggy, bed, cot. Apart from the pram before DS was born, DH has never once brought or given me any contribution towards any of these things for DS, that includes his birthday/Christmas gifts. Naturally, I have my own personal expenses aswell – phone, lunch, contact lenses, I pay for my Mum’s travel when she looks after DS, credit card (still paying off for my share of our wedding). So end of the month I’m left with around £500 disposable income.
We never go on holiday. If we do it is usually to visit his parents who live in Europe and I will pay half the cost of the flights and car parking. And when we do go away, he sits there is silence looking into space, never engages or even walks alongside me – he always walks 10 paces behind me.
I can hand on heart say I have been a good wife; I do all of the household chores – cleaning, cooking, washing, maintenance (DH won’t even change a lightbulb). If we’ve had a problem with the flat (boiler, etc.), I am the one who sorts it out, I am the one who takes time off of work to wait for the problem to be fixed.
This hasn’t always been the case, he stopped doing his “share” after we got married.
I take care of all the childcare – I take DS to nursery and collect him. DH has never done so and refused even though DS previous nursery was right next to where DH worked. If DS is unwell and needs collecting, it is I who does so and has to take annual leave to look after him at home when he’s been unwell. I am the one who gets up in the middle of the night if DS wakes up or is unwell. DH has never once gotten up even if he has been awake and this has been since DS was born. I make, prepare all of DS meals, and everything else that comes with being a Mum.
When DS was first born DH took 3 days off of work. On his return to work he would come home, have his dinner already prepared for him, then go off to bed. We agreed that whilst I was on maternity leave I would do all the getting up at nights which I was happy to do as he was at work all day. At weekends he was the same, never helped. He would lay on the sofa and listen to music with his headphones on or play playstation. He never once took DS out in the pram, I was functioning as a single parent with a newborn. I would get yelled at for asking my Mum for advice.
One evening he came home and I said to him it would be really nice if we could have a conversation when you came home instead of you going straight to bed as I hadn’t seen or spoken to anyone all day. His reply was “if you wanted a conversation you should have married someone else”.
I took a full year of maternity leave. As much as a wonderful time it was, it was also a very lonely time for me. DH was happy for me to take a full year, and when my salary lowered to half pay, SMP he stated he would give me the difference so that I would get my usual monthly salary amount. When this time came and my salary decreased, that money promised turned into “I can only give you half the amount now”. So I also struggled financially during maternity leave as I was still paying for all the household things that I do now.
Despite this DH had no qualms in asking for very expensive birthday/Christmas gifts even though I couldn’t afford them. i.e he wanted (and I stupidly brought!) a £500 coffee machine which then he never used! When I was 7 months pregnant, I even took him for a 1 night stay in Cornwall for his birthday as that’s what he wanted. He point blank refused to drive, I drove for 10 hours straight to get us home.
During my maternity leave I was told by DH that when I return to work I need to find a new job and earn an extra £1000 a month so that I could give it to him. I’ve also been told that my job is “lower” than someone who works in the fast food restaurants and that I should get a job there or in retail as they earn more.
My job is the same job as when DH met me. I have never been overly ambitious to be honest, I don’t have a degree (which I do now regret not doing one), so there is limited earning potential for my “career”. With my job I am lucky that I am able to work from home one day a week, and that I can go and collect DS at the drop of a hat if he’s unwell. I’ve always wanted to start my own business (ideally a little bakery or café) but alas, my dreams aren’t supported and is just seen as something that is a hobby and not for money making. Plus I just don’t have the time!
I have on the odd occasion applied for a few jobs I’ve come across with a slightly higher salary (not by much though), firstly as I’m concerned a new place may not offer me the same flexibility my current job does and also in truth I have the lowest self-esteem/confidence I ever have had at this point.
I have even been told by DH that he wouldn’t even get out of bed for the amount I get paid.
However, I have recently been given an opportunity at work to help out with a different role. I literally get paid 20p an hour extra for this work; I pretty much do two jobs during a working week and find myself some nights working until 11pmm_ after DS has gone to bed to keep afloat of the work. That said, it has afforded me a opportunity to undertake an apprenticeship whilst at work (when all the paperwork has been completed) where I will gain a professional qualification and more earning potential.
A couple of months ago I told DH about this, his reply was “that’s good, you’ll become more important”. Needless to say my heart sank.
I’m not a materialistic person, I don’t buy expensive things for myself, I don’t need a brand new flashy car or a big house to live in. I’m happy with my lot. I like to think I’m a nice person, caring, kind, generous, I’m well thought of at work – I’m the person who will bake of a weekend and bring in the cakes for everyone in the office on a Monday. Of course I have my moments lol but I’m an easy person to live with and will do anything for anyone. My Mum always has said I’m too kind hearted for my own good.
Two years ago, DH and I spoke about buying a property, a place of our own so that DS could have a garden. We looked at a few places, then DH announced he wanted to wait and see what happened with Brexit before buying somewhere. He then announced he didn’t want to buy a property with me unless I had to same amount of money to match he had for a deposit – of which I did not. And that he didn’t want to buy somewhere with me as we might split up. Now this was a serious shock for me as it was the first time he ever said anything like this.
He asked me to never mention buying a property again, which I did not. He then raised it again for some reason a while later, and told me he would buy somewhere but my name wasn’t going on the deeds. A while later we went to stay with his parents and he announced that he didn’t want to buy a property with me, but would if I asked my parents for money to match his deposit amount, I of course point blank refused!
A year and half after DS was born we went out for dinner by ourselves (whilst our trip to visit the in-laws). He sat there and told me that he had doubts about marrying me, he doesn’t like me having my possessions in our flat. I was too upset to say anything.
On our return DH told me that me and DS were the biggest cause of stress in his life, and that if he had to go abroad for his next work project at that time we might aswell take separate paths.
He has on numerous occasions commented that he pays for all the bills and I contribute nothing.
I hate to say, but he isn’t what you would call a good Dad. He never played, nurtured our son until I made some comment to his parents and then his Dad pulled him up on it. That was a year ago. Since that time he manages to take DS to the park for 30 mins of a weekend, he doesn’t sit and engage with him, play toys with him etc.
Christmas Day, DS was opening his presents, DH couldn’t even be bothered to sit with him whilst he opened his presents – he went for a run. DH see’s toys as “junk”.
I have raised with DH his behaviour and treatment on a few occasions now and stated that he has changed since we got married and especially after the birth of DS. He changes for a month or so, then he goes back to normal. I've spoken with him about his comments he makes about our relation ship, that I don't contribute enough etc. he always back tracks and says he didn't say it or he didn't mean it.
There’s no love, empathy, kindness, listening, support for me, even intimacy is rare and its always when he wants. Of an evening he’ll retreat to bed around 9pmm_ without any conversation before going to bed, and during the weekend he’ll either sit reading a book/ipad or retreat to the bedroom.
Today was the last straw, I overheard a conversation with DH and his Dad. Apparently I’m DH’s biggest problem. He relayed exactly the words to his Dad which I have said to him in the past (that he’s changed etc). He informed his Dad that I do not make the slightest contribution, expenses are his problem. That I do nothing to improve myself in work and life and that he doesn’t deserve that. He doesn't know that I overheard and I haven't said anything. Its not anything he hasn't said to me already.
I have made my decision and I want to leave this so-called marriage, but I don’t know where to start. I cannot to rent privately on my salary by myself where we live now. I understand that DH would have to pay maintenance but that is not something I want to rely on.
Does anyone have any advice on where to start?
And thank you if you managed to get this far lol
Kate