Affair

[Littlelionman1]

I discovered an emotional and physical affair (more emotional than physical I believe but can’t know that) and believe my husband was planning
To leave me.

However i discovered this and he has this other woman ready and waiting i believe. Now all of a sudden he’s changed his mind.

I have spoken to my two older brothers for support, they have advised that he more than likely doesn’t want to end this marriage, but needs to understand reality and consequences of his actions i.e me telling him to leave and he is free to be with her.

The reality is she is 32, lives with her parents and is being expected to marry someone of her culture. So that isn’t an option (certainly not at the moment) the way he talked about her there was an element of Knight in shining armour, she confided in him about all this and he spoke to her about why he was unhappy in his marriage.
He has gone to his parents (reluctantly)

I just want to know. Rip the bandaid off so to speak.

He has agreed to give me all the time I need, find a new job and do whatever it takes to stay together and start again.

I have no reason to trust that or him. He has gaslit and stonewalled dreadfully this last 6 months.

But I do love him, and more importantly I have acting badly (controlling, needy, dependant financially because of a mental health condition I haven’t worked hard enough to get under control) so I can certainly understand why he may have been unhappy. And sought escapism. Not excusing, just genuinely can see how I have sometimes pushed him
Away.

So what
The hell are you supposed to do next? I found out on Friday, made him
Leave yesterday and know they will see each other tomorrow at work.

I have never felt more unsure of how to proceed in my life.

In your position I’d go for couples counselling but I’d also try to work on my health issues (you mention that you’ve neglected this). Some time apart isn’t a bad idea whilst you work through it with a counsellor in order to decide whether to separate amicably or not.

It’s good that you have support from your older siblings but don’t let them make your choices for you.

I am sorry to hear this.

As you have only just discovered, you will go through a series of emotions. At times you will not know whether you are coming or going. One moment you will want to stay, another moment you will want to leave. You will need to heal whether you decide to reconcile or leave.

You say you discovered. You will need to identify if your dh was planning to leave you.

You say you love dh. Are you willing to attend counselling? Is he willing to attend counselling?

Does the ow work in his immediate team/department?

If my husband had an affair I'd never be able to trust him again. If you feel you might be able to trust him again/ work things out after counselling then it might be worth a shot for you. Working on your mental health and your wellbeing after this huge shock might need to be your priority for a start. Don't blame your own behaviour for his. I don't believe veing driven to havong an affair is a valid thing. Everyone has a choice. He should have ended it with you if serious about the other woman. If not serious enough, then he should have supported you through your difficult times and helped you and not had affair. I wish you luck.