To Everyone Dealing with the Silent Treatment

[Somefantasticplace]

I read about so many people here who are dealing with sulks, silences, being made to beg to find out what they have done 'wrong' and despairing about what to do,

I have experienced this for over 20 years and have learned a few things:

1. It doesn't get better, no matter what you do. You could be the perfect wife/partner and you would still never be good enough
2. After a long time you feel yourself disappear as you no longer know what you like and dislike
3. Despite being told that it only happens because I'm loved more than anyone else so can make him angrier than anyone else this is not true. Asking for a divorce a year ago made the sulks miraculously stop. If he can stop now, why not years ago as I cried and pleaded?

Please don't doubt yourself. Please don't feel alone, you really aren't.

I'm now planning my escape and will go when I'm ready. The past year of no arguments and no sulks has actually made it worse as I have realised he could have stopped any time he liked but he didn't like.

Stay strong and come here for support. We may be strangers on the internet but we share something that unites us.

I’ve been in an on and off relationship for 4 years. Each time he ended it with silent treatment. We had a great time over Xmas etc and I finally thought this year was going to be different but he disappeared mid text chat the other day. I had a feeling he was getting quieter by the day and he’s gone. Haven’t heard from him since. I tried to get in touch but he won’t reply, just reads my messages. Standard every time. I know he’s gone now for good. I don’t know why I feel heartbroken because he just doesn’t care about me and I’ve completely wasted my time. I can’t bear the silence. Each time it’s usually because I’ve done something wrong in his eyes and I always try to make up for it. I used to be such a happy chilled out person but I couldn’t relax wondering when he would disappear.
Sorry to jump on your post. It just hit a chord and I feel pretty lost.

After going through this as well for 20 or so years, I just now enjoy the silence. I no longer beg to have an adult conversation to find out what I have done wrong and just let him get on with it. Unsurprisingly the sulks are now shorter in duration as I dont give him the attention.

It is designated as a form of emotional abuse.
Passive aggressive and linked to cluster B personality disorders, the silent treatment is designed to punish and control and is described as a preferred method of abuse by narcissistic personalities.
This type of abuse gradually erodes your self esteem and is very insidious. Look it up on you tube. There is some excellent advice from trained psychologists who are very knowledgeable about the subject.
If you want to live a good, positive, abuse free life....don't have someone who abuses you in it OP.

@Doingmyownheadin you are definitely welcome here and while you may feel miserable now you can count yourself lucky to have realised after 4 years. It may seem like a long time but I'm looking back at more than 20 years of this and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

That said, it wasn't all bad of course or I wouldn't have stayed but I really wish I had seen the truth sooner.

@TheCaddyisaBaddy are you planning to leave? I know what you mean about not reacting but my tolerance levels are now so low that I find lots of the things he does very irritating now

@pallasathena your comment on not having an abuser in your life is spot on.

Tat's exactly what I'm planning to do, but at a time of my choosing when I have planned where to go

I put up with this for nearly 20 years. Weeks on end sometimes; special occasions, family holidays ruined — and never a single acknowledgement or apology.

I left (this was a tiny aspect compared to other reasons) and I only wish I’d done it sooner.

Life doesn’t have to be a constant battle of second-guessing yourself and trying to rationalise whether their behaviour is abusive / bad enough to warrant you feeling this unhappy.

@pallasathena is spot on — my ex suffers from a range of cluster B symptoms and behaviours borne from a terribly traumatic childhood — for which he made me feel entirely responsible for years before I ever questioned it.

Well done OP and thank yo for sharing...

This is exactly the relationship I left a year and 4 months ago.
But it's constant drama re kids from ex and I have a new partner which is sending him round the twist it seems
Have applied for a protection order, which will hopefully be approved on Tuesday
Angry angry man, controlling of money and maintenance, threats of social services and cops
All unwarranted
I can't live like this anymore. It's not much better to when we were togrther- though my house isn't full of a dark oppressive cloud!
Extreme narcissist and bully
Has any one else gotten a protection order?

Three. Fucking. Months, that’s the record for DH to manage not to say a word to me. He only started again because our children were so freaked out about it that I told him that I no longer cared, but to start talking or leave for the children’s mental health.

@VinandVigour and I thought 3 weeks was bad! That was after I had (supposedly) shown that I didn't care because I didn't notice that he was walking differently and instantly know that this meant his back was sore and offer a back rub.

I don't understand how their minds work, how they can think this kind of behaviour is OK. With my DH it's not that he doesn't say anything, he says the bare minimum to me to get through everyday life while being completely normal with everyone else.

When I questioned this in the past, he says he isn't 'disappointed' with anyone else so can be normal with them.

Of course now I don't care as something has died.

I was given the silent treatment and then discarded because I didn't tell my narc husband that he looks really fit because he does the gym every night what a joke

I have learnt from experience that this is actually a good way to spot the narcissists early on as they will love bomb and then once they think they've got you hooked it's onto the silent treatment, the next step in their bid to control and abuse..so as soon as they do this to you, drop them like a stone and never consider them to be potential partner material ever again...they had their chance with you, and they told you everything you needed to know right from the off!

Wow Cluster B sums up so much of my ex fiance (of 3 years). He left on the 21st December following a disagreement about a professional assisting me with a huge stressful problem I've had for months. His ego took a battering because HE couldnt be the one to help me. He didn't speak to me when i got home that evening. I made him a coffe and dinner i got a grunt and a thanks. He left me a sleep on the sofa that night (wouldnt ususlly do that) and because i didnt go to bed when i woke up in the middle if the night the argument shifted to that and he left. I haven't spoken to him since.

Thinking back most of our arguements started over something so trivial but he then made it into something so huge. I left him to it most of the time (guess i was giving him the silent treatment!) Until id be bombarded with 100's of calls or messages telling me it was all my fault. He hasn't done that this time..

Everything and i do mean absolutely everything in his life is a drama. He gets sooo angry about the smallest things that i just cant comprehend and he has a huge victim complex. Its become exhausting to be with him. He had an horrendous childhood and I've excused alot of his abusive behaviour for this reason but i actually can't take anymore of it.

These last two weeks I've lived in peace and its been great..i think I'm finally done!

I had an ex boyfriend like this too. I was punished for some misdemeanour with the silent treatment, and he would be fabulously, unusually lovely to everyone else.
It was bewildering and pretty soul destroying at the time.

Narcissists follow a pattern idealise devalue discard hoover which goes round and round - if you let it - the silent treatment is part of the devalue phase - it's bizarre how they all follow the same pattern as well but they do - once you're wise to it you can see exactly what they're doing - but to get wise to it sadly you have to have experienced it and been hurt by them in the past