I think I've worked out what is wrong with my marriage.

[OrmIrian]

DH is one of the good guys by and large. Loyal, loving, funny and intelligent and finds me attractive, mostly a good dad. He also has his faults but so do I. I like him and I enjoy being with him most of the time. But I'm not in love with him. I don't want to have sex with him - for years I told myself it was because I was tired etc but now I'm not sure it is. I would be very happy with him as just a friend. I know that he wouldn't be happy like that and we do have sex regularly because it keeps our relationship on an even keel. It wasn't like this pre-kids.

I think that the simple fact is that I'm in love with my children. I have never felt this much love for any other person. They take up almost all of my love, time and energy. I never thought I would feel like this about kids. I feel devestated when I think about them growing up and leaving home. I'm breaking my heart over DS#2 starting school. I get most hostile to DH when he punishes the children too severely or shouts at them - even though I've been known to shout too. It drives me mad when he tries to imply that he and I are one side and the kids are on the other and we have to be strict with them. I hate it! It just makes me feel really cold towards him. I want us to be all on the same side - not the heavy-handed parents demanding instant compliance from cowed children.

I don't know if I'm making much sense. If I am, am I wrong? I feel quite sure that if we hang on in there it will change - maybe things will go back to the way they were. But meanwhile there are the children and I find it hard to see past them sometimes. Can a marriage survive that? Anyone else feel like this?

oh and TELL him you need time to yourself. He can't mind read. Take the time assertively, that you need and tell him it's as part of you giving yourself the spare capacity you need to be able to be a wife to him!

And remember these years are the very very hardest on a marriage. It won't ever be so hard again. You won't ever be so 'pulled' in all directions again, when the kids are independent and not wanting your input too much.

But meeely - I wasn't aware that we were on opposing sides. That's what gets to me. I thought we were just one unit.

Then OI, this is YOUR wake up call from your DH. He is showing you, albeit in a clumsy way, that he feels pushed out, so whether you realised it or not, thats how HE feels.

I think focussing on the 'sides' issue isn't really very helpful. Of course your family is one unit but each member has a role in it. Those roles can be fluid and change over time but there are definite roles. The role of your children is to learn, develop, grow and test boundaries in a safe environment. The role of the parents is to help with this and to provide a safe environment in which the children can do all these things. In that sense your role and your dh's role have more in common with each other than with that of your children.

Think of it like an army unit (bad analogy for any pacifists but I couldn't think of anything else). Everyone depends and helps each other but there are clear lines of command and in that sense you and dh are the command level. That puts you on a par with your dh and in a different position than your children. This does not mean you are not still one (family) unit.

It was third child for me too and I remember exactlly when it happened, we were shopping on his last day of peternity leave and I sat down instead of helping him choose trousers and cos I have always helped him he couldnt cope and threw a tantrum stormed off, I was really hurt, had just had baby and the post baby haze shattered. I shut down to him completely did what I had to do to survive and practically ignored him, had sex when I wanted to and was too tired the rest, came to depend so much more on my friends,

I dont know what we did to pull it round we had been away for the weekend when ds was about a year and it was a disaster and we nearly split, actually I think he is just happier now in his work and feels he is in control whereas before he was really unhappy at work and brought it all home, and I have just relaxed a little and apologise every time I am even a little out of order and tell him he has upset me, but it just is easier because the kids are older.

The weekend away when everything got better wasnt booked to try and fix things if it had been I think it would have been more pressure, what I am trying to say is I cant give you any practical advice, it should just ease as the kids get older.

paternity (why do you only notice spelling mistakes after you have posted)

Hopefully it will. Although my eldest is 10 now.

I think that I feel a little hurt that seeing I work 30 hours a week, pick up and drop off kids every day, do all the housework as DH works long hours and we can't afford help, get all three kids up and ready for school blah blah...that he still demands more from me. He used to be so much more understanding.

I think we all get to the point of focusing on how things USED to be. POSTkids is never going to be the same as PREkids, but if you don't accept that you end up resenting the life you have now. He is possibly remembering how life was before kids too, and remembering how YOU used to be.

I know my DH has sulky moments of 'you always USED to do so and so' and i always reply with 'but you always used to do so and so first.....' I think we all need to grow up and realise our lives move on with the arrival of kids, priorities change etc etc.

If you both sit round festering without telling each other what you are feeling it's not going to get any better.

I know, my dd1 is 10, dd2 is 6 and ds is 3 and it is getting better between us week on week, but you have every right to moan it is hard work with the three of them especially when they are spread over different ages, and people think by the time you have your third you have it sussed and need less support, but we dont we need a good bawl,

I think it is a defense mechanism that goes off that sets us into single mum mode and we get further and further away from them, I think you are doing a great job and thank god for mnet so we can vent,