How long did it take your abusive partner to accept the break up?

[Skye55]

I’m in the process of breaking up with my DP, who is also the father of my two children. I’ve told him that I’m not in love with him and that I need some time to find myself. He’s quite controlling (he says he’s just protective)... and Ive tried to break up with him at least 3 times in the past, which hasn’t lasted long because he thinks of a way to get back together e.g. book a holiday, say he’s depressed, use guilt etc. I know he loves me lots and I feel so bad for what I’m doing but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I know this is going to be a long process, and that it’s a matter of persistence, however I was just wondering how other people got through this with a difficult partner. :)

You don’t need to give him the power to say when the relationship’s over (or to ‘accept’ it). If you say it’s over, it’s over. Simply refuse to be sucked back in. If he books a holiday, more fool him, you won’t be joining him. If he says he’s depressed tell him to talk to his GP. If he uses gilt just refuse to listen. In fact, best thing is to refuse to engage with him at all about anything other than absolutely necessary practicalities such as arrangements for the children.

He’s got you so cowed that you think that he has the power to say when the relationship is over or not, whereas the truth is that for a relationship to be in existence both parties have to consent to it, and one party wanting out means it’s over. Stay strong.

I said I was moving out for two weeks and would have a think about the marriage while I was gone. I knew I wasn’t going back but thought asking for a break would be easier to sell. Two weeks later I asked to meet him in a public place and told him that was it, I was filing for divorce. No children so much easier but once I’d decided I wouldn’t have been moved by a holiday or anything else he said.

What’s your housing situation? Do you want him to leave or do you plan to?

Leaving aside the controlling stuff, you have to realise that by keeping on going back, you're not doing him or yourself or your children any favours. It's just dragging it out, it's putting everyone through stress again and again. None of you can move on and heal.

The relationship is over, and you have to be the strong one and stay apart, for all your sakes. Don't enter into discussion or explanation, reduce contact and keep it to the practical (money, access to dc).

Adding in the controlling behaviour again, I have to point out, it's not love to control someone - it's not because he loves you so much, it's because he thinks he owns you and can't bear for you to be independent of him.

Thank you both for replying. The main thing he does is pretend that the breakup never happend.. I’ll speak to him about wanting to end it and he’ll be angry then leave, he’ll then come back acting as if none of it ever happend.
We live together most of the time but he has he own property too so I guess that’s a plus.

All*

So don't let him walk back in. If the property you live in is in your sole name, change the locks. Pack up his stuff and take it round to his place.

You have to be serious. If he comes back pretending you're still together it doesn't change that you know it's over. So what if he books a holiday or claims to be depressed? It's all bullshit, you know that so don't go along with it. If he refuses to leave you call the police.

Abuse is a choice. He does it to you on purpose. Would you abuse someone you loved? Would you deliberately hurt your children just because you liked feeling powerful over them? That's why he abuses you, because he likes how it feels to have power over you.

That's not love. He doesn't love you, he's just good at manipulating you.

Don't feel bad for him, feel bad for the children he's indirectly abusing and forcing to grow up in an abusive home suffering developmental trauma that will damage the rest of their lives. One day they'll want to know why one parent hurt them and the other allowed it.

All children, right from infancy, are damaged by living in an abusive home even if you think you are hiding the worst of it. Never mind the impact of them growing up believing this is normal and ending up in abusive relationships too - or imitating his abuse against you or others.

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