I'm in a 2.5 year relationship, we've both been married before with DC of our own. His (DP's) job means that he has short periods of absence and difficulty being in touch from remote places (think army but it's not army.)
The relationship has been characterised by DP being a fantastic partner when we are together (which is about 85% of the time. Very connected, comfortable with intimacy, great sex, supportive, kind, emotionally available, knows me well, cooks, cleans, likes my family and looks out for me, thinks about me. I would say he has been the main one pursuing the intimacy and involvement in each other's lives. I have reciprocated and been equally affectionate and involved, but he has definitely driven and initiated it.
I think I would be more unbridled and reciprocal in my approach to him if there were not short periods where he tends to forget (or acts like he forgets) our relationship. They usually coincide with his periods of absence (we are talking a few days to a week, maximum two weeks.)
EG Before he left for Christmas, we said "goodbye" and "I love you" to each other. He told me he thought I was his soulmate and that he had never felt more happy and connected. When we picked up again a week later, he was markedly different. He didn't say he loved me, he admited he hadn't thought about me at all, he hadn't missed me. To explain it he just said he was so busy with family he got distracted.
He repeats things he has already told me about his life (big things, as if he is telling me for the first time) eg, with the same pre and post Christmas example, his daughter has a nut allergy which defines her life and when we go out together with both sets of children, it drives where we go and what we eat. We have had countless dramas and conversations around this over the last 2.5 years. After not seeing me for a week over Christmas when we finally reconnected, he told me as if for the first time, that his daughter has a nut allergy. I find this infuriating.
Before Christmas we spent a lot of time with his family. I met family members of his I had never met before. One particular family member I was there when his family were reuinted with her after 40 years. We went to parties together for his work and I met his colleagues and boss. I felt we took a big step forward. After Christmas, with the same example, he is telling me who these people are, as if I have never met them. He told me the story of the reunion as if I was not there. As if it was news! When I remind him that I met them two weeks ago, he doesn't acknowledge it and glosses over it.
I am using christmas as an example here but this is a cycle rather than something that has just happened recently. It is usually short lived but I find it extremely emotionally painful that there is no constancy and that his tone goes from partner to acquaintance in a matter of days. It always correlates to when we don't spend time together. It's like out of sight is really out of mind. He is at his most loving, connected and affectionate and brilliant when we are seeing each other every day.
When this has happened in the past, I have responded in two different ways. One is to challenge him about discrepancies, whereby he gets defensive and says he is tired or has been busy and begs me not to be upset with him, that he's overworked and distracted, not thinking properly and I need to be less demanding for a bit.
My second response is to withdraw completely, whereby he becomes extremely upset, bombards me with calls and messages, shows up at my house, buys me presents, books holidays for us, tells me he "remembers everything" and begs me not to leave him.
I keep rationalising that this is not classic hot and cold behavour because it is only going from hot to luke warm and quickly back again. He is not ignoring me in the cold bursts. He dutifully calls and texts and keeps his promises, and it's usually all over so quickly when we see each other again that it's easy to make it water under the bridge. But it's this behaviour which holds me back from committing any more. The feeling when I know what's about to happen; that my level of intimacy will be unmatched after a short period of absence; even though he is the one who has pushed for that level of intimacy, is torturous. It makes me feel silly and embarrassed and like I misread everything all along.
What do you think? Is he a bad 'un?