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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I move past this? Escorts etc

6 replies

MrsKaplan · 05/01/2020 11:30

I posted a few months back under a different name. I had been with my husband for 25 years in what I considered a great marriage. One day I saw him click out of an unfamiliar email account when I walked past his office and he was so so flustered I knew something was wrong. While looking at all the email providers to try and find this account I stumbled across his google account and saw he had been searching escorts and hook up sites for years. I have since been through a year’s worth of phone bills (all I could get) and found texts to a local escort.
I kicked him out and he is living in a flat although comes round a lot to see the kids. He still swears blind that he didn’t go through with it but I obviously don’t believe a word of it.
I just don’t seem to be getting any better, I think about it all the time and wonder how he could destroy our perfect family for this. I feel like the most unloveable person in the world.
I am going to book some counselling sessions soon but just wondered if anyone else has been through this and can tell me it will get better. It just seems such a pointless thing to throw our family away for, and I would have thought he was the last person in the world to do something like this. I miss the man I thought he was so much.
Thank you for taking the time to read if you got this far!

OP posts:
NightsOfCabiria · 05/01/2020 11:33

I remember your post.

You’re grieving the relationship you thought you had and the future youve lost. Sex is a compulsion for some and a lot of men seem able to compartmentalise their lives.

It’ll get better but it’ll take time.

category12 · 05/01/2020 11:37

Counselling is a good idea. I think you need to allow yourself more time to grieve and be angry. It's only a matter of months since you found out, so it's a lot to process. Things will start getting better.

Savannaha · 05/01/2020 12:05

If you're willing to forgive and he is willing to
work on your relationship and go to counselling, then you're right it's silly to throw away your marriage. But could you ever fully trust him again?

redastherose · 05/01/2020 16:50

It takes time to get over such a betrayal, the longer the relationship the longer it takes to get back to being yourself. Book some counselling, I had hypno-psychotherapy which actually worked really well for me. One of the sessions dealt with breaking the emotional ties I felt to my ex. Unfortunately for me my ex was a narcissist so I've had to deal with all sorts of abusive behaviour since we separated and it still worked to let me let go and move on.

mamato3lads · 05/01/2020 16:59

My god, I'm so sorry to hear you've been through this, how awful. I could never personally forgive this...and have no real advice either but sending love....lots of women have been through this on here...I'm sure plenty of advice will.follow

Xxx

SandyY2K · 05/01/2020 17:56

It just seems such a pointless thing to throw our family away for

He didn't see it this way, as he wasn't expecting to get caught.

So to him...having used a secret email account, the risk wasn't really there.

The most annoying thing would be the denial. It's insulting your intelligence.

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